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Dream and Tarot

Dreamt I was on a bus with Ex, and there was a rockslide. We all got off the bus, thinking we'd be safer. For a while we were in a cafe having lunch at the side of the road, then went to watch the rock slide. There were small rocks and big rocks heading straight for me, and somehow they all missed me, so I got back on the bus, and realized Ex hadn't, and as the bus pulled away, there he was, getting smaller in the back window, and I was frantic, waving, wanting him to get back on the bus, and he couldn't, or wouldn't. I was so sad.

Had a great tarot reading with my friend the writer the other night. He reads Crowley's Thoth deck, and has his own somewhat unique way of reading the cards based on an old kabbalistic system, where each card has it's own day of the year, and you can tell where a person is in your life, relative to where they show up in the deck in connection with you.  Ex is the Prince of Wands. According to my friend, the Prince of Wands was there in my immediate past, and the more mature form of him, the Knight, was there in the future. So yes, Ex will be in my life again at some point, he's there in my future, but he didn't know or say when. He said that he will go through an awakening, and I will encounter the more mature form of him at some point. That's a comfort, but also a sadness, as I got the impression it might not be for a long time to come.  He also said I cannot tolerate the less mature form of him, he's toxic, and really needs to grow the fuck up, before I allow myself near him again. Interesting, from a man who has never met Ex, or knows nothing about him and Master. Seems Ex's time with Master has brought out the worst in him.

So, I have to keep letting go, stay on the bus, let him recede into the past.

He also said that my whole process with Master was my own personal Apocalypse, I pulled the Aeon card, Judgement in other decks, and that what happened was right for my growth, even if it was profoundly painful and uncomfortable. I can't grow, under the confines of the teachings of an organization, I have to find Truth for myself. He said I would awaken soon. He seemed to think it was soon.

It seems a million miles away to me. I seem to have gone so far backwards, in my own perception of my spiritual life. I was really starting to doubt that  I had done the right thing, but I couldn't stay. I couldn't go on like it. Master was so clever at manipulating people.
Master's old friend told me about some of their conversations, and how he had planned to split me and Ex up. He never got what he wanted from me, but he did from Ex, his patronage.

He did bring about my own sense of self-respect and the end of being so easily manipulated, so perhaps he did his job, after all.
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