Dreamt I was with my mum, we were walking down a long corridor, and Ex was in a room we walked past. He saw us and I ran away fast, and hid. He found me. I didn't want to talk but I ended up with my arms around him, hugging him so tight, telling him "You're my soul mate! You are my soul mate, I need you to hear that!" and he coldly said "I have a girlfriend now, I have moved on".
"No, that's not true", I said and grabbed his face in my hands and made him look me in the eye and tell me that. He had blue eyes in the dream, almost like a zombie. He said I could be his sister, and I said I didn't want that.
I was crying, I was so sad and scared that I couldn't reach him, couldn't find the part of him that was his soul, and that I couldn't remind him of what he needed to know. He was so calm and distant and rational.
So painful. Worst dream of him that I've had in a while.
Fuck. Shit. Jesus Christ. Why can't I just let go? FFS! It's been a few years now, since our relationship went south, and over a year since the divorce. I feel like a fucking emotional retard. I can't stop crying this week. The anniversary is coming up next week of when I got 'that' email from him, telling me after 10 years we were over, and he was now 'intimate' with one of my (formerly) close girlfriends. It will be a tough week. Another one. I guess the anniversaries of this and that never really end, do they? I need to man up.
The only thing I can do is to force myself not to think about him.
I emailed a friend of mine who is a great tarot reader, but has never met Ex, didn't know him, or anything much about my circumstances. We're doing a phone session later this week. I think I would just like an objective something from somebody quite renowned as a reader, who I know knows his shit, on a deeper level than a lot of people. I am lucky, the cool friends I have! He is the best of the best.
Ex and I had a favourite album we really loved, and I haven't listened to it forever.. It came on Pandora today.
In other news, one of my dear friends persuaded me to join Skype finally! I tried chatting with a friend who's having a really hard time with his wife at the moment, and they couldn't see or hear me, though I could see them, until they hung up thinking it wasn't working, it was sad. Felt like looking through a window into another dimension. Skype is odd.
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