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Feels like death.

I cried and cried again last night. It started on the bus on the way home. By the time I was nearly home, I had to get off the bus, I could hardly breathe I was hyperventilating. I don't think I stopped until about 9pm.

God, I don't know, it all felt so fucking FINAL. Like death. I had so much fear, there was another feeling under the sadness, hard to describe, but it felt like total hysteria.  I could see how people slip into madness and just lose control.
All I can do is bear this in mind as some alchemical process, some change in me, which can only be good, an acceptance, a letting go, possibly. I don't know. But I know the energy between Ex and me is shifting some how, I can feel that so strongly. I keep almost expecting him to walk in the door, but that's not going to happen. He feels so tangible lately. I just feel his etheric presence somehow.  Fuck, that makes me sound crazy. Perhaps I am. 
Being an Aquarian, at least I am good at viewing this whole thing as a science experiment. "Wow, look at that, I've gone nuts today, how interesting".

And no response to my rose.  But that's ok.   

I wrote a letter to him, about 5 pages, handwritten.  I included the lyrics to the Dylan tune.  Of course, in the light of day, it's best not sent. But it was a good letter.If ONLY I could write to him and I knew he wouldn't show it to Master or any of his guy friends.  That's why I didn't write an email, so it wouldn't get forwarded. Hitting 'send' when you should hold back is to easy.

Why is communication with him feeling so fucking complicated, why am I SO scared?? Why can't I just email him, and say hey, what's up?  Ready to be friends?  Surely it could really be that simple.  But there are another 30 pages in there somewhere.  It shouldn't take all this clandestine pseudo-magickal stuff to get a response from him, surely, when we live in the age of the text message. Am I really crazy?
Pride, I guess. I don't want to be the first one to make the move. But I don't want to wait, I want to feel like I DID something, but can write it off when nothing happens. That, and this shit fascinates me. What IF I get a result this way, how cool and freaky... And how powerful I will feel, look at me, the great Manifester of Weird Shit. Fuck, what a pose.

S texted me this morning, she had a shitty night, too, she saw her ex's wedding photos.  At least I didn't have to see that.
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