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Death throes

Have been out, knocked on my ass with a bad cold for a week now.  And there's snow here, more coming. And I haven't moved yet.. I have the keys to my new place, and went over there on a day off I took sick, but only with minimal token stuff, to do a puja. I took over a small picture of previous Master, some incense, and a candle, and my old mala, that previous Master had blessed.
It was both lovely, and an anti-climax. It was quiet, peaceful, cold, lonely.  An empty unfamiliar space with none of me in it yet.. I could hear crows in the distance, and silence.  I wanted somehow for my moving in to be done with loved ones, and as a celebration, when in reality, I felt like crap, it was a cold, rainy day, I was by myself, lonely and exhausted..
But that's ok.  It was still awesome. It was still mine.

Because of the snow, and I hate driving in it, I have been staying at E's place for a few nights, and so haven't even been home to pack much of my stuff up!  Movers are coming Weds night at 6pm. I'm not sure I'll be ready or that the ice and snow will have gone by then. But that's the tentative plan. Spend Weds night at my new place.. Hopefully I can persuade E to stay over, I would like some company that night, I think.  Or not. I don't know.  (I hate to be clingy and dependent.) But, it's been strange, disjointed, rushed, and all somehow not a worry too much, as I have until months' end to be out of my apartment anyhow.  It will come together some how.  The guys moving me are friends, so they're nice and mellow about it all, which is wonderful. I have used them to move before, they were great.

I don't know, I feel a little odd lately.  A strange mix of melancholy, tiredness, expectation, feeling the Wheel of Fortune moving underneath me again.

Previous Ex's mother died at the weekend, not altogether unexpectedly, she was 80. He's been emailing me, feeling sad about it all, the empty house he has to go visit, the house he grew up in, the dead body to go see. At least there's no dead body waiting for me, I hope. Only something in myself. It's kind of fitting in a way, to be talking about death with him at the moment.

I fucking hate January. My worst month.  I think it's being an Aquarian, we're all about February, when the snowdrops come out, and life starts showing signs of still going on, of returning. Imbolc, Candlemass, Feb 2, is the half-way point between the Winter Solstice, and the Spring Equinox, and signals the returning of the light. But not yet.. We have to wait another 3 weeks. We're still in the death throes of the old year, even if the calendar has changed, and the Solstice come and gone, it's still not time to celebrate the start of Spring yet, only the ass-end of winter that we're passing through.

So I haven't been back past Ex's office in a while, since I have been out sick, and then staying at E's place. But I did last Thursday, and stopped, and touched his car again, one last time. He wasn't in the window, I didn't see him, nothing happened. It just was ordinary. I didn't even cry. 

God, it all just feels so odd at the moment.. I think it must also be Neptune transiting into Pisces, making the illusions and delusions come up for air, giving us a glimpse of what might be possible, but hasn't manifested yet. The Mystery.
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