Scared

So scared.. I am signing the papers for the house today.  Why do I think it will all fuck up?
The mortgage company called work to verify employment just now. Haven't they done that already?  My  HR manager is out sick today, of course. So I had to put them through to my boss instead, who I am now paranoid in thinking he told them he's going to fire me any day..  Jesus H. The paranoia and fear is truly ridiculous. It's that utter lack of belief I have in myself that I 'deserve' any of this.  SO many things in my life have fucked up, I just don't trust things any more not to go tits up and that I won't end up getting hurt and getting what I want taken away.

I'm sure that's early life stuff. When I analyze it, that's always what happened. Stuff I wanted was taken away, either forcibly, or by my scheming and jealous mother.  I exaggerate not. She was a bitch. It's hard to counter that in yourself when it's there all the time, dictating your emotional response to things like this!!  That voice, "It'll never happen", "you don't deserve to be happy", etc, the image of myself walking along the sidewalk, slipping on unseen banana skins.  I had that image in my head all the way through my marriage. "This is too good to be true".  I was always expecting the axe to fall. So somehow I manifested my worst fears.  I always have. And that's what scares me.  I do it.  I create the circumstances of self-sabotage that always result in these things.

Please God, don't let this one fuck up.  Not today. Not ever.  I want a home.  I want to get something right.