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And there goes the last...

I thought this was rather awesome. 

I wish I didn't, but I do. 

I bought some clothes on my lunch break today.  I have put on about 14lbs since I began dating E, I'm now about 134. Yikes!! At least about 2lbs of that is PMS water retention, but I can't put the other 12 down to that.  I have bulges in all the wrong places, and I hate it.  I feel despondent that now I'm in my (early) 40's, it's all downhill from here, and I will never get my shape back. I feel like I have an alien plastered to my stomach and butt, and that they're not part of me. I can still feel the 'real' my buried under there somewhere. 

Having the depression, and the ankle injury that's still making me walk a little gimp-like a year and a half later, hasn't helped. Nor the drinking. I have been drinking more than I ever did before, I must get through a good bottle of wine in a week. Not much, really, but it is for me, I was almost T total before all this happened!! 

I wish I could lose the cellulite, ass and belly, and keep the tits. My tits are spectacular at the moment!  32E, or DD, depending where I buy.   

I hate that I feel I am letting myself go.  I hate that I have put this weight on.  I sort of resent E for his couch-potatoness, it's so hard to get him off HIS fat ass, and get some real excercise. That makes me sad.  I love him dearly, but am a bit afraid he's not good for me, ultimately. Although he's so loving, consoling, comforting, the sex is great, but I am turning into a fat slob myself.
We have Jupiter in opposition, we are 6 years apart. We enable each other and support all our worst vices. It's all about enjoyment, which has a definite down side.
I kind of miss Ex's criticism in a way, at least I kept my figure and didn't turn into a fucking alcohlic. 

My astrology mentor hates E, perhaps this is why.  He called him a fat lazy couch potato, before he'd even seen his chart, he's pretty psychic that way. 

What a dilemma.  I'm happy, but not.  I'm happiest I've ever been, in some ways, and that's the fucking paradox. 
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