Thanks for the call Sartorious! Always awesome to hear your voice when I pick up the phone.. :)
One of the things I'm sure I've mentioned here before but wanted to say again, is that what stops me from doing all these evil things, is my fear of karma. And I don't necessarily think that's a good thing!! I am acting from fear, not love, you know? I am acting from a sense of limitation, rather than freedom. I'm not saying doing those things is right, far from it, but I'm saying that not doing them because I'm scared, is also not right. Ideally, freedom is not about fear, it's about love. What I'm doing with it is not freedom, not my own conscious choice, it's my fear of reprisal, karma, 'Dad', etc, etc.. Like God is some big parent who will punish me if I fuck up. Well, that's not the right understanding of karma, for one thing.
So there's part of me that thinks I should do something really mean, just to get myself out of that fear. I did that once, I shoplifted a bracelet, which oddly enough, or not, I guess I've been thinking about this for a day or 2, I am wearing today. It's my unlucky bracelet, and I wear it about twice a year, to remind myself of all this. I stole it as exactly that, and experiment in my own fear and what I do with guilt, etc. It's been interesting! I stole it from a store I used to work in, I hated my old boss, and didn't feel too badly about ripping her off, and also knew the security system, ie, there was none. I got away with it, of course. But not in myself, I always feel that sense of weight in my stomach when I put it on, knowing how I got it.
I would probably also feel that if I sent Ex those roses, or did any of the other bad shit I have thought up. Or not. But probably best I don't find out.
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