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So am I

Dreamt there was a plane crash in a violent thunderstorm. The sky was black. I had to investigate, and somehow I was on a bus. I got off, and started jogging along the sidewalk.
Ex was cycling down the hill towards me from the right, and we ran into each other so we had to talk, it was hard, I didn't want to. I was trying to ignore him, I was angry, and I was late for work.
I asked him if he was really happy, being with bitch? He said "No not really", so I said "Ok then, dump her". He said "But she's having a hard time right now". Something about some older woman giving her a hard time. (Probably for being a cunt).  I said "so am I, Ex, so am I".
I was climbing up a really rickety rusty old ladder made of random pieces of metal. It was on a footpath besides a stream. I had been walking on a wooden boardwalk, also made of odd-shaped bits of wood.
The rungs on the ladder kept slipping, but I made it.

Sigh..   I just want him to want to talk to me that badly in real life, to overcome my anger, and persist. He never did persist with me. He just let me go.  Too easily.
But I don't think I'd dump E, if Ex asked me to. Fuck, I don't really know what I'd do, but I will never have to face that decision, will I? 

Had a lovely weekend. Friday I got a pedicure with Master's friend D, and when he left, I spent the rest of the afternoon out in the garden with the neighbor's cats for company.  Neighbor has shared his wifi password with me, so I don't have to give corporate America more of my hard-earned.  I offered to give him $10 a month, I don't use internet at home that much.  It's a good connection, too.

Saturday E went out of town to visit family for a birthday. I didn't go, I wasn't feeling so hot.  I went for a walk to one of my local parks by myself, it was nice. He picked me up on the way back home, I spent the night. Teenage son decided to do laundry at 2.30am. WTF?  I got up and turned the machine off. I was so annoyed.  I couldn't sleep the rest of the night, after that.
I have been getting some bad sleep lately again.  I go through phases. Most of my life I have slept really well, but not the last few years.  I am sleeping better in my new place though. It's quiet, generally. Except Saturday morning at 9, when upstairs decided to vacuum above my head.  I'll forgive her, I'm not usually there on weekends.
Grouchy. I feel like Oscar the Grouch today.  Monday morning, and I'm sleep deprived.

It was nice to spend time with Master's friend. We called a friend of mine in Canada on Friday night, another Realizer. I can't believe I am saying that, I really have the most amazing friends. Holy Men. We talked for an hour, he invited me up to stay over the summer. It's quite a journey, but I would have him all to myself for a long weekend. Precious. I adore his lady, too. She's a trip.. 
He is so different than Master. SO much kinder, sweeter, more compassionate, everything I wanted Master to be but wasn't.  More my idea of a Holy Man than Master's behind the scenes manipulations, (if S is to be believed).
My Realizer-friend is about 3 or 4 years younger than me, too, I always find that humbling. 

I hate dreaming about Ex. I have asked myself not to dream about him, which worked for a little while, but here I am again, probably a dream 3 or 4 times a week at the moment. Maybe I should ask to dream what it is I am not understanding, what I need, to be able to move on and let go.

E and I only had sex once this weekend, on Sunday morning, mainly because I wasn't feeling well.
I need to be ravished. I need to be on the receiving end for once. Not going to happen, is it?  E is just too damn lazy, I think. I put in all the work. Sigh..  E is generally too lazy. I hate to say it.  I love him to bits, we get on great, but he's not a mover and shaker. He prefers his computer to a day outside or a walk in the park, and prefers me on top.  I don't know what to do. Or if I should do anything at all.     I would really miss him if we split. 
But I really need more stimulation, in all senses of the word. 
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