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So, I watched Twilight Breaking Dawn last night. Oh yes, I am a Twilight fan..  ;-)  Well, silly vampires and cute mostly naked teen werewolves with hot bods, it's not that bad.. Does that makes me a cougar? Taylor Lautner's pretty hot.

Anyway, yes, it made me cry. No spoilers, but what woman doesn't want a wedding like that? It just made me so sad, Ex and I had such a cheap wedding, nothing special, he didn't spend more than he had to, and a friend did our flowers and cake as a gift. It just made me sad, to think about that. I got married in a dress I bought from a thrift store, for $25.  I hate that.  It just makes me realize what a cheap fucker he was, that even our wedding, he wasn't willing to spend any money on it. Yet Master is probably demanding (and getting) the full deal, and calling it 'sadhana' to 'help' him get over being cheap..I know, I saw him do that when I was there. Probably not much has changed.
Makes me realize how much I loved Ex, I never wanted to take his money, or make him spend anything on me that wasn't necessary. I never asked him for anything. Shit, I didn't take a penny when we got divorced, although I regretted that after the fact, once he emailed me to dump me for bitch.  
Or, perhaps that's just my own upbringing, my guilt, my relationship with my Dad who was also a pretty cheap bastard sometimes.  I don't know, but watching that dream wedding brought up 'stuff'.

Anyway, I realized, E is also somewhat cheap. I don't think he would be as cheap as he is, if he had money, but he doesn't have a pot to piss in.  Ex did.
Somehow I have always manifested either guys with money who were cheap, or guys with no money at all. 

I don't believe in women taking a man's money, I think it's awful, but I would like a man who has some, and isn't cheap, that's different.  I am just tired of having to always 'make do', and tired of nobody buying me gifts once in a while. Ex used to sometimes buy me a gift, pay for a flight if we traveled, something, and I do miss that. E will occasionally buy me a $20 dinner. It's just that money is energy, and symbolic of something, and it would be nice to see a sign of that something once in a while. 
I would like to feel valued.  I think that's what I'm getting at.
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