Latest Movie :


I had dinner with my girlfriend J last night. She is an old devotee of previous Master's. It was helpful. She played me an old audio talk of his, about letting go of things.  That helped a lot, as did the 3 glasses of wine I drank. Not good on a work night.. I feel a bit hung over today. But more relaxed about all this business with Ex. 
And I got a helpful, practical email about it all from an old friend of mine in London who's pretty smart, emotionally.
Both of them said to me, "You're just not ready yet".  I'm not. I was a wreck all week, a sure sign that if Ex had of got in touch with me, I would not have been in a good place to handle it right. So maybe this is for the best, in the long term. J said that last night. It will get resolved, just not yet, perhaps.  That was a comfort to hear, that she also thought I'd get another shot at healing our wounds.
She also said that she'd spoken to a mutual friend of all of ours, and he had said that Ex is so over me. He got over it a long time ago. That, was NOT so helpful. That upset me. I tried not to let it, but it did. She didn't need to say that.  Still smarting from that one a bit.   But you know, that's guy-talk.  Guys say that shit to each other, don't admit that they're still hurting over things.  I can see Ex trying to look like the mature person, saying "yes, I'm over all that, I know how to practice", etc.

Anyway, who the fuck really knows, except me, and him. This is the trap I fall into, listening too much to what other people have to say about it all.  I am ok with it most of the time, when I just listen to my own gut. All throughout this, I have listened to other people far too much, done too much talking about it, too much analyzing, too much letting other people's sometimes bad judgment, get in the way. 

I feel like crap this morning. Hung over, sad, apathetic, but something has shifted back into place again, that got thrown out of place last week.

I need to loosen the bonds a little, between me and E, I think, too. I can see more lately, about how I'm holding myself back from doing a lot of the things I want to do, and then starting to blame E for that. He lives too far away, I feel like I have to stay there all weekend, to save gas, or whatever. We carpool on weekends, I catch the bus in, so I am kind of stuck there.. It's ridiculous.  We have lunch together every day. We always have a date night in the week. Basically, the only time I ever have to myself any more, to get MY stuff done, is Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights. It's not enough.  I need, once in a while at least, to not spend the whole weekend there.  I feel like I am losing sight of my life a little.
I have been too scared to be alone this winter though. Long, lonely evenings and silent weekends with no human contact. I am not good at 'lonely'.  E has filled some of that time up nicely, and I am very grateful for that. It's got me through the worst of times. 

Who knows, maybe E feels like that too, and wants his space a little more.  Perhaps we need to have that talk, and perhaps I need to face some of my loneliness.
Share this article :

Post a Comment

Support : Copyright © 2011. horney paper storms - All Rights Reserved
Proudly powered by Blogger