E came down to see me a moment ago, and we were talking, and I said something about one aspect of my job. He likes to know things, so I shared with him something about what I do. He said "Ok, now I'm bored to tears". What an asshole.
He was only joking, but you know, to say to somebody something like that, and then say that you're only joking, is still mean. So what if that was only a 'joke', it's still an insult, you still meant it, on some level. Some humor sometimes hides that insult, that act of being an asshole. It's not ok to say things that might hurt people, then cover it up with humor and make like you didn't mean it.
I could feel myself shut down, hurt, feel my heart collapse and close up just a little bit, joke or not. And what's weird, is that in all this time, a year and a half, he's only ever been an asshole and said something mean that's had that effect on me, maybe 2 or 3 times, so it's not a big deal. I probably shut down and got hurt because I'm not used to it!
Master used to emphasize that we are responsible for feeling our own emotions, and people can say what they like, but it's you that chooses to feel insulted or upset or not, and I agree with that to a large extent, but I don't think that it's always fair.
It's a choice, possibly, I would agree, but it's not always a CONSCIOUS choice, is it? It's something our bodies do, our hearts do, out of years of habit, and choosing not to feel hurt isn't always an immediate option, it's not that fucking simple. Your body chemistry has already started that release of sad-chemicals, before your mind even catches up and decides whether or not to feel hurt, or whether it was a 'joke' or not.
Then some asshole like Master comes along with the New Age PC Dharma, and tells you it's your fault you're hurting, when somebody else was being an asshole? I hate that crap.
So now I am undoing my sad-chemistry, and I think that's the point. We can undo our own feeling-chemistry, decide whether to carry it further down the road or not. I think that's where the choice is. It's not in the moment. So, don't be an asshole, sarcasm and comments like that are nearly always hurtful, in those first moments.
I sound like such an uptight asshole, but I have been on the butt-end of so much of that crap, pseudo-Dharma, or using good Dharma to make yourself right and the other wrong, it just irritates me.
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