Fat

Dreamt a few mornings ago, that there was a large field sown with fresh seeds, corn or wheat or something. There was a line of birds walking up the field in a row, eating all the seeds, and I had to stop them before nothing grew and they ate them all. Kind of birdie-pacman..   Interesting.  I love dreams like that, that don't take a whole lot to interpret.

It's the big Venus Transit today that all the astrologers are getting hyped up about, and all I want to do is curl up in a hole and cry. I think I have PMS today. I jumped on the scales, and I was 139lbs!! FFS.. That's 20lbs over what I was 18 months ago.  This can't go on. I don't fit into any of my clothes any more, and I feel SO unattractive.  I hate my fat face and stomach, and cellulite thighs. Ughh... Ugly.  I just seem to look at food and gain 2lbs overnight lately.
I am really starting to resent E for that. I can't blame him, I know that, I am the one making choices about what I eat, but I can't seem to help it in a way. He doesn't help.  He isn't supportive of my losing any weight or getting fitter. Or traveling, or... or...  I feel so sad, such a dilemma. I love the guy, but.. Lifestyle choices, long term picture, all of that, are all pointing to him not being good for me. It's a constant fight to do anything fun, or not to sit there and eat fried food, etc. I want to be out for a walk, he has the wrong fucking shoes on and doesn't want to go. Or we'll get about 1/2 a mile, and he'll want to go home because he needs to pee. I want to eat a salad, he wants to eat Chinese. It's hard.

We have a natal Jupiter opposition, so we encourage and enable each other's over-indulgences. I have been drinking a lot since we started dating.  It's not a good piece of synastry.   I have back-fat.  Ugh..