You know what struck me yesterday, as Venus went direct again, very close to my Ascendant, is that maybe I just don't really want to be in a relationship right now. I don't think it's about E, per se, but just a general thing going on. I am thinking it's been about E, but perhaps not, perhaps I just want some general 'me' time, out of a relationship. I was thinking about that, I am not even sure I would want a conventional relationship with CEO at the moment either. This was a bit of a revelation to myself, I have never not wanted to be in a relationship. The person has changed, the need for A relationship has not. I've always just gone from one to the next. Now, I think I want something different. And I hadn't really figured that out before. I had just thought I was getting restless with E, but perhaps it's a general sense of restlessness, not necessarily about E.
I think that's just the summer though, in the winter I absolutely need company. I hate long lonely winter nights in the house alone. Now how do I pull that one off, exactly?? Excuse me, I just want to date you in the winter, and spend the shitty cold weather on your couch, but screw you, I'm outta here in the summer?
E and I had sex last night, and even though I had been really horny all day, I just couldn't get into it. He hasn't made me come in quite a while now. It still feels nice, I still enjoy it, but my mind has been elsewhere. I start thinking about CEO then get all guilty, and it affects things. I did even get a bit of a spanking last night, too! Not much, but I got some pink butt cheeks out of it. It's a start.
Ugh.. I wish I could sort myself out, uncomplicate my head a little.
I think this is just the next phase in the recovery from the divorce. I was so needy after that, that I jumped right in to the relationship with E, when I shouldn't have.
In November, there's another lunar eclipse right on that point where Venus turned direct yesterday, too, to within a degree.
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