I spent the weekend at E's as usual. Sunday afternoon's rain and 2 kids at home, just about drove me nuts. I had a bit of a meltdown. I needed to get the hell out of the house on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Youngest had a cold, and was making all kinds of disgusting bodily sounds, and all 3 were glued to various computer screens.. I wanted to be outdoors, even in the rain. E doesn't like rain at all. I love it sometimes.
I need a break. I need a weekend away from all that, and a bit of freedom, and I'm not quite sure how to put that without hurting E's feelings. I feel like I need an excuse, which is bullshit really. I just need to say, "hey, I need to get shit done, have some me time, can we skip a weekend?" Simple.
He's also taken to wanting to stay at mine on Sunday night now too, as it saves him a drive home, and a commute in the morning. Not good. Not always. Sometimes, maybe.
That and it's all exacerbated by my crush on CEO. Anyway, he's out of town for at least another 2 weeks. Good job. Maybe I can put my mind elsewhere than on the content of his pants.
In other news, I joined Fetlife recently, and had an invitation from some guy in my city to 'play'. He offered me a good spanking.. Uh, no thanks. Not into saying yes to total strangers, the guy didn't even send a photo. ;-) It was interesting to consider it, anyway. Cheered me up somewhat. Maybe I need to specify that I'm just curious at this point, and not looking for play partners. Too much complication already!
Some guy leaned out of a car window on Saturnday and yelled "Nice tits!" at me too, that cheered me up, it's been a while since that happened.
E is so damn Vanilla though. Really, really Vanilla. And Vanilla is nice, I just would like something else once in a while. He has got as far as occasionally smacking my butt hard when we're out in public somewhere, which is fun, but not enough.
Not sure what I'd do if I got what I wanted from CEO. He's safely unobtainable, which I'm sure is a large part of my attraction. I did a slightly stupid thing when I was drunk on Friday night, I emailed him to wish him a good vacation. Nothing more than that, I kept it very simple and impersonal, just friendly. "Have a great vacation, say hello to London for me". But I'm sure it translated as "I'm thinking about you on Friday night when I'm drunk, and I probably shouldn't be". I got an email 20 minutes later. "Will do, regards". I thought he'd pick that up when he got back to the office, I thought he was flying out Friday night. :)
Am feeling happier about myself a little, after buying some new jeans that actually fit. I don't look quite so bulgy in all the wrong places now, even though I was pissed at what size I had to buy! Ah well.
I feel change coming. I can be ok for now, knowing that it's coming soon. Not sure what that is, or how it will manifest, but that's ok too. I need some quiet me-time to sit and meditate, feel where I'm really at with some of this stuff. I create so many distractions for myself. Occupy my time with anything else I can find.
Friday evening was fun, my fave 2 bosses invited me into the conference room at 3.30, and there were 2 bottles of wine, 4 bottles of beer, 2 coworkers and my manager there. I was quite happy by the time 5 came around. E was there. It was nice. Lots of jokes at mine and E's expense, which I don't mind. Not from them, from some people, yes, but not from them. We are fair game, I think. E has a great sense of humor when he is in a situation he feels he wants to open up in. :)
I am stopping myself from doing so much that I say I want to do. At what cost is this relationship to my longer term bigger picture life? Travel, sexual needs, photography, mental stimulation, all kinds of things... I am not blaming him though, and that's the difference I think. I know it's on me this time. I don't know why I struggle to free myself up a bit, and always get stuck in these kinds of relationships, wouldn't be the first time.
I think that's another reason I like CEO, he's very dynamic, never sits still, I don't feel we'd stagnate too much.
Fuck, I would so miss E's consoling stability and routine if it all goes south though. That's the stupid thing, and the paradox. I am not ready to end it, I just want to find a way to make it work for us both. Courage, courage.. I need to handle this radically differently than I have with previous exes. Why does it all have to get so complicated? Let me rephrase, why do I always have to get so complicated?
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