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August 2nd

Just found out that CEO is booking a flight to come visit on August 2nd.. Which is the Full Moon, pretty much conjunct my Aquarian Sun/Mercury/North Node. Mercury will also be retrograde directly on my IC on that date too. Oh joy. I am in for a fun week that week then. Disruption, emotionalism, feeling unsettled.  AND I will be about due on the rag. So will be fat and bloaty-looking, covered in zits, and all PMSy. That's awesome. That's still 2 weeks away though.
I haven't been doing too badly today, not thinking much about things I shouldn't think about, at least until CEO called, and I stopped him for a quick inquiry into his plans to visit. I have been trying so hard not to be overly chatty with him on the phone, and just to stay ordinary and professional, but couldn't resist asking about his plans today. I hope it came across as ordinary and polite. I think I heard my manager snigger, and she forwarded me an email from him confirming the dates, a few minutes later. 

I am still processing the news of E's son's pregnancy. That is really going to affect our relationship in ways I do not welcome. Selfishly, that was not what I signed up for. E asked me to talk to both the 'kids' at the weekend, about their soda consumption, too. Why? I am not their mother, they are 20 and 23. That's his fucking job. WTF?  He gives them NO visible signs of parenting.  My God, if they were mine, I would whip their little butts into shape. I worry that I am too harsh, too judgmental, too uptight with them, but they both drive me nuts. And now one is going to be a Dad? Hell no. 

Had a lovely dinner with Sister and her man last night, and 2 friends of ours, this adorable old lesbian couple. Love them both to bits.  Also had my hair done last night at J's, he is 35, gay, total sweetheart. He was saying how much he loves older lesbians too.  :)  They really are awesome.  I know a bunch of older ladies, and they have been through so much usually, being a woman, being gay, and all that the double whammy of that throws up as life challenges along the way, makes them a bit more compassionate and down to earth than a lot of people, generally speaking.

I am feeling so far away from my own fantasy life today, like it exists in a vacuum, not related to reality at all, which doesn't feel too good today. CEO feels a million miles and 5 lifetimes away.  Not physically, but emotionally.  I just can't see how any of this is going to work out, with him, E and the new baby, or any of it. Feeling a bit depressed about it all, honestly. I feel like I am staring into the Void.
That will pass. I am too much of an optimist for my own good, for it to last too long, anyway.

Date night with E tonight. I have been out too many evenings in a row now, and I would rather go home and get an early night, to be honest.   I am exhausted. Still, at least my hair looks nice.
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