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Future Me

I was thinking yesterday, which is a really bad habit of mine.  About the future. I think I can't see much of a future with E, and I can with CEO, however imaginary it might be. I don't think I could ever see a future with E, he was never supposed to be 'long term', just an 'in the moment let's see how it goes' type thing. But, I did start to love him, and that's where it got complicated. Our routine set in, I let it, despite my better judgment, because I was needy and weak at the time, and had just been through hell and back, and needed somebody like him, and that sense of 'normality'.  A home to go to on the weekend. Somebody to go grocery shopping with, and watch crappy tv. Somebody to actually care that I existed, and make time in their lives to be with me and appreciate me.

Now why am I so attracted to CEO? He is NEVER going to be there for me like that, no matter what happens. He's one of those super-busy people, and assuming even the best case scenario pans out, he leaves his beautiful wife, he's still going to have a business to run, and 2 kids to spend time with, and he lives in another State. Do I really want that?  I would never be number one.  

At least in E's life, I am if not number one, then I am at least important enough that he makes time for me.  He's reliable, dependable, there. He tries.  I think the best I would probably get from CEO is Don Draper. E and I have been watching Mad Men again lately, which really pushes my buttons. I love it. But I don't want that. 

So fuck, why is he so HOT??  Why do I turn into an incoherent babbling moron on the phone with him? 

This morning I realized, I don't have to make any decisions, there's nothing really to decide, it's not like it's a real choice, is it?
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