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Independence Day

Fuck.  CEO has called 4 times today. And all I get to do is pass him over to my manager, and listen in, while she sits there and giggles while he chats with her.

Yes, I am jealous.

I found myself getting mildly annoyed with her giggling. She thinks he's hot too. I have no right to be jealous, isn't that absurd? Jealousy has to be the weirdest and sometimes most irrational, of all human emotions. I think I'm slightly jealous also, that she doesn't just clam up like I do, and she can actually talk to him without sounding like a fucking moron.

Had a nice 4th with E. We went to the beach, he cooked bbq, and brought along his entire kitchen. It was sweet, though I'd have been fine with a sandwich.  I had such a hard time having sex with him though. I spent 2 nights there, and we only had sex once, in the morning on the 4th. Fuck, I really don't know what to do, or more likely, when or how to do it.  Regardless of CEO, I think this is just an indication that I need to change my relationship with E somehow, and I don't know what to. I really like spending a Friday night snuggled up on the couch in front of the TV with him, and don't want to give that up.  He is lovely company most of the time, I would be crazy to dump him.
Maybe I will get my head out of my ass sometime soon.  My heart is breaking when I think about it all.  It's so sad, I wish I was really in love with him. I started out falling in love with him, but it's not sticking.  I do LOVE him though, I really do.  Gah, why do human hearts have to be so complicated? 
I know the minute I do anything stupid, I will really regret it, but something in me is just too restless.

It was also 3 years to the day that I spent the weekend with A, while Ex was out of town. Weirdly, he put in an appearance too over the weekend, he emailed Sister, and said to pass on his regards.  Fuck, life can be odd sometimes.  I wonder if he consciously thought about it being the 4th?  
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