Marriage

I think I want to get married again.

It was a bit of a shock to figure that out. But I think I do.  Only it canNOT be to anybody like any of my previous relationships.  That's a tall order.  And I sound insane. But it's so ingrained in me to want to be in some kind of relationship, and for 8 years, I was, I thought, pretty happily married. The last 2 years sucked, but that's besides the point. That's not marriage, that's who I was married to.
I think that what I'm getting at, is that the parameters of what I am looking for and attracted to in a guy have changed, and that what I am looking for, is now a stable, marry-able person. I am over 40 now. I think that's part of it, I am feeling my age a little more than I'd like to admit to. 

Trouble is, I haven't found the guy I want to do that with yet. I think I have, but that's all a pile of crap from out of my own head, not based on anything in reality. So I haven't, really.

I have been having all these fantasies about CEO getting down on one knee and offering me a large diamond.  I think maybe it's as much that I want somebody to actually care enough to marry me, (and buy me a large diamond), rather than just 'date' me. And I sound so old fashioned when that comes out of my mouth. It's not moral, it's more about security and feeling wanted, which are lessons you'd think I would have learned already.  I know that they're illusions, but for many people, they are not. I can't see why I can't be one of those people, and find somebody I could really spend the rest of my days with.
I saw 2 women in a restaurant a few evenings ago, one was rubbing her empty wedding finger, like I sometimes do when I miss my wedding ring. I could tell it was still a new feeling for her, too. I almost started crying when I saw her doing that, it was so sad. 

Well, I think it was just helpful to write that down, hit the publish button, and let it go. Sometimes this blog is just a means to catharsis of something, and a way to surrender it into the ethers.  There. It's out. Universe, go do with that, what you Will. I want to find somebody I could marry and be happy with forever, but I guess it's not really my decision.