I woke up feeling a little saner today. I didn't think about CEO too much over the weekend. I think I have realized what an impossible thing that would really be, that the odds are stacked way too far against it. That's good, I am never very good at admitting when I'm beaten and should move the fuck on. I have talked before about how 'magical thinking' and too much optimism lead me to pursue unrealistic goals sometimes, or to not see or want to face the reality of some situations, and to keep on hoping instead, as a means not to feel the hopelessness. Hope is dangerous, and it's taken me a long time to really see why. I think this time around, I might have managed to beat it at it's own game, and give up the fight early on.
I think Sister helped, I emailed her about it, and she wrote back, "Wow, you've really set yourself a tall mountain to climb". Maybe I just don't have the energy nor the will to climb it, being as the odds are so stacked against me.
That's unlike me, usually I would hang on, thinking about miracles, and astrology, and ways to manipulate things, etc..
We'll have this conversation again when CEO visits our office next, I'm sure, but "just for today", I am not going there.
I think the trouble starts when I am in work, and have time to look at the astrology pages, read all the synastry and 'should be's, and think about it all too much.
We had dinner with Sister on Saturday night, and E hit me mid conversation with "will you shut up and let me talk?". I was so shocked, didn't know where to go with that one.. I bottled it up all weekend, then yesterday evening, I told him I was upset about it, and felt really embarrassed that he had shut me up in front of my friends like that.
He was so apologetic.. He genuinely did feel bad, I think. He's used to brothers and fathers that yell at each other all the time like that, and I'm not. I didn't grow up around that. And so we talked about that, and a few other things that had been bugging me lately, and really cleared the air. That, and I just laid on the bed and cried for a while, while he held me. He's great at that. I think I just needed a good cry.
I am not good at talking sometimes, I do tend to bottle things up and not find the courage to really confront things and sort them out.
He calls me "silly girl" sometimes, if I screw something up, and that annoys me. I am 40+ ffs. I told him that. Maybe I am being far too sensitive, but it always feels so fucking patronizing. So hopefully that will stop.
I realized this morning, there would be a lot about E I would really miss. I do care, I do love him, he has a good heart. I don't want to fuck this one up over some stupid crush, like I did with my marriage. I can't go there again. I would be really sad if I lost E.
Had an odd dream this morning, I was using an iPad to log in to some Facebook ap with one of my astrologer friends, I can't remember what it was, but I don't have an iPad, never used one. I have an iPhone though, so I guess it's not a leap. I was in some abandoned building with some old school friends and my old boyfriend Stewart that I never really got over. It was sweet, I felt happy he was there, but it was all slightly spooky, I didn't know what was in the abandoned building. My life, I guess. My secrets, and things about myself I don't want to see. Ghosts of old boyfriends.
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