Vacation

Sister and I are still considering taking a road trip. Her brother, A, (who I had a fling with about 3 years ago ~before you think I'm in to incest, she's my spiritual 'sister', they're not my blood relatives!), has been out of the country, and now has decided to come home for a visit, and it's fucked with our plans, and I am a little mad about that.. (He's all entitlement and loves being the center of everything, and I am SO glad that didn't go anywhere, he is a selfish Aries douchebag, but, oh, try telling me that 3 years ago!!  lol)
Anyway, trying to get Sister out of town for a week, just us girls, is proving difficult.

I am glad E doesn't seem to mind that I am taking a week of my vacation to go with her, and not him.  We didn't get too far last year, we took 10 days, and didn't even leave the damn State. I am not doing that this year. I need to travel. It's like blood or air to me. I feel so stagnant and dead if I stay in one place too long with out at least a break...

 I just have that feeling that the summer is slipping by, and I have done fucking nothing with it.  Frustrating.  Very frustrating. 

I do miss Ex for that, we did have some good adventures together, weekends in California spontaneously, all kinds of trips here and there, we'd jump on a plane and go somewhere, or family get-togethers in exotic locations, (paid for by his Dad).  I think that was one of the hardest aspects of the divorce for me, giving up all of that. Being unmarried, having to rely on myself for everything now, has been pretty hard, and feels like such a limitation.  I have been to scared, I think, to really travel much, because of the money, etc, and have used E as an excuse perhaps.  I am not good at traveling by myself, I get a little freaked out, mainly about my health, I have had numerous panic attacks in my life, and I am ok if I travel with somebody else, but I seem to get them more when I am alone, so travel by myself is not always an option.  I am thinking about taking a trip back to Europe in the fall, and it's scaring the crap out of me.
I think part of that though, is also the emotional ordeal of seeing all my friends and family for one day, and then having to say goodbye again, for another 2 or 3 years until I can afford another visit, it's harrowing.  I hate that.  I want 6 months at home, with my family and friends, and not to have to say goodbye after an afternoon in all that time.  Facebook just is not the same. Skype helps, but..  Urgh, I get so sad when I go home.

I ordered something on line for work the other day, and had to use CEO's credit card. They keep sending me emails now, addressed to him, it's quite odd, and makes me a little sad. 

I have been 'good' lately, not thought about my crush too much, managed to occupy my mind with other things, and have generally not been too obsessive. But, he's coming here next week, and I know I will spiral into it, probably worse than before. 

Been feeling a bit depressed today, though it's nice and sunny. I might have to get myself out of the house tonight, and take a long walk in one of my favourite neighborhoods or something, that's always fun, and cheers me up a little. I think it's hormonal. I am due for my period early next week, and am going to be all covered in zits, fat and full of water and in pain, for CEO's visit.

God, I need a vacation!!!   Sorry, depressing post today.  I try to write something upbeat, but I think this blog sometimes just turns into catharsis.  I just feel a bit directionless, and like life is slipping by, and not quite going in the right direction at the moment.  Saturn still transiting my Moon.   Fuck Saturn.