Dreamt that I was in bed with E, and his oldest son J got in with us. Well, he's not his biological son, he's his ex wife's son by another guy, but E pretty much raised him. And he's 23. Anyway, it was "nice", it wasn't necessarily sexual, though there was a bit of that, I could feel J had a hard-on, and he was pressing it into my butt cheek. But that wasn't the first thing about the dream. It was just nice, I was sandwiched between them both, all snuggly and warm and loved...
I am feeling all kinds of things this morning, self-doubt, confusion, withdrawal, fuck, the usual turmoil. Fear about where my life is not going, mistakes I have made in work, Jesus, all kinds of fucked up things are going through my head this morning. Please forgive the following stream of consciousness, but I need to write all this shit out of my system, so I can see how ridiculous it looks on the page..
Not least, about CEO. He's a great mirror for my lack of self-worth. Why would a man that awesome want to be with a fuck-up like me? This morning, I really am not good enough. Not just for CEO, but for the Universe, because it gave CEO, who's not even in my league by a mile. The Cosmic Joker is laughing at me.. Then there's the flip side where I am totally good enough, and too arrogant, thinking that he's totally in love with me, and will leave his wife any moment, because I'm hot stuff, and she's a middle-aged 'mom'.
All kinds of thoughts about my being 40+ now, fat, out of shape, and not settled down into a loving, mature relationship with that 'special someone'. Lots of doubt about E, whether or not I should even be with him, whether or not I would die of sadness if we split up, how would I cope with life, without him? Fuck, I have become so co-dependent.. I swore that would never happen again, after my divorce, but here I am again. 2 years later. Same old. The thought of not spending a Friday night on E's couch in front of the TV is a scary thought. I have grown far too used to the comfort of that.
Fuck, I am just a mess of confusion and fear this morning!!
I don't know what sparked all this. Well, probably the withdrawal from the hormonal buzz I had going on yesterday with CEO in town, and I got an email from my manager, I apparently fucked something up yesterday in work, wasn't paying attention. But I think I was, I don't think it WAS my mistake, I didn't have all the damn information. Anyway, that set off a chain reaction of not-good-enough, which spiraled into not good enough for CEO, and blah..
OK, barf over.. Sanity returns. Honestly, it does. I know all that is bullshit. Sartorius, I'm ok, just a little stirred up is all, the silt will settle back down again. CEO has that effect on me, I think that's partly why I'm attracted to him.
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