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My Cynicism

Feeling better. Friday lunch time I went and found a quiet place and had a good cry about it all. I hadn't cried in a long time, it did me good. I came back to the office all puffy eyed, and started crying again, so had to tell my manager (she's great, I can trust her, we share a lot, she knows I am crushing on CEO). She was so sweet.  I told her it was ok, I would live.. ;-)  We were laughing about how completely inappropriate it was, and if it wasn't enough already, I shared what new transfer guy told me, and said that just when I thought he was completely unavailable, he became even more so.  I love that about her.

Thankfully I've always at least had the common sense about CEO to realize that most of what I think I 'know' about him is projection, imagination, speculation and fantasy, so the discovery of a reality that wasn't in line with all of that, wasn't too bad. Kind of funny, in a way.

I got to thinking, too, about what a shitty person I must be, if I want CEO to be unhappy in his marriage, and just sort of 'assumed' he was.. Based on my own probably projected picking up of 'signals' between us.  And based on my own fucking cynicism that any relationship can ever succeed or be truly happy. I realized that part of me doesn't even believe that anybody in a long term relationship is truly happy or in love, and that I think they're mostly lying because they don't want to face what's wrong with their lives, and would rather continue in a status-quo type situation than face the truth. What the fuck??  I am projecting my childhood onto the entire world.

Maybe, maybe, CEO IS entirely  happy. I really fucking hope so.  My God, how selfish I can be.

I went for a long walk by myself yesterday morning, E is recovering from a cold. It was good.  I have been here all weekend, and it's ok. I am realizing though, that our sex life has dwindled to virtually nothing.  He's been sick, I know. But..  Well, let's just say I'm not so into it any more, and am not getting what I need, either.  I wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and make it perfectly ok for us to be platonic friends, and still keep what we have. I like sleeping with him at night sometimes, it's comforting.  I like the hugs and the affection. I like the company and his sense of humour, a lot, but..  

Argh..  Fuck knows..

Maybe now I had a reality check about CEO, things might get better.  It's not impossible. That's what happened with Ex, I lost all interest, had a fling, and then started falling back in love with him again, only it was too late, he had already disconnected, and I lost him.

I can't really see the future, just small snapshots, I feel a change coming, and it disturbs me.
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