It was one of those reactions I had to think about later because I didn't fully understand it while it was happening. I guess everybody has had something like that happen to them. It's like when you hear a song and immediately have some kind of strong feeling you don't understand at first.
A big part of my counseling has been about how my relationship with my dad has shaped who I am. During some of my sessions the counselor has gotten me to have some imaginary conversations with my dad and they're always heart-wrentching. I get to say some things I feel inside but have never said out loud, and maybe never will.
I think that sign got to me because I never felt my dad saw me as a strong person. As a kid I was always his "girly-boy son." Weak. A sissy.
I always yearned for his approval.
I always wanted him to see me for who I was.
I always wanted him to be proud of me.
I always wanted him to believe in me.
I always wanted him to see how strong I really was.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm now realizing I may never get those things from him. I feel really sad about that but I'm not going to let him, or anyone, define who I am.
Going back to that list of five things above, I'm beginning to get closer to this:
· I am responsible for approving who I am.
· I am responsible for seeing the real me.
· I am responsible for taking pride in myself.
· I am responsible for believing in me.
· I am gradually realizing how very strong I am inside, and I'm starting to like what I see.
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