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I'm getting there...

Just recently when I came across the little sign above, I immediately started crying.

It was one of those reactions I had to think about later because I didn't fully understand it while it was happening. I guess everybody has had something like that happen to them. It's like when you hear a song and immediately have some kind of strong feeling you don't understand at first.

A big part of my counseling has been about how my relationship with my dad has shaped who I am. During some of my sessions the counselor has gotten me to have some imaginary conversations with my dad and they're always heart-wrentching. I get to say some things I feel inside but have never said out loud, and maybe never will.

I think that sign got to me because I never felt my dad saw me as a strong person. As a kid I was always his "girly-boy son." Weak. A sissy.

I always yearned for his approval.

I always wanted him to see me for who I was.

I always wanted him to be proud of me.

I always wanted him to believe in me.

I always wanted him to see how strong I really was.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

I'm now realizing I may never get those things from him. I feel really sad about that but I'm not going to let him, or anyone, define who I am.

Going back to that list of five things above, I'm beginning to get closer to this:

·         I am responsible for approving who I am.

·         I am responsible for seeing the real me.

·         I am responsible for taking pride in myself.

·         I am responsible for believing in me.

·         I am gradually realizing how very strong I am inside, and I'm starting to like what I see.
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