God Almighty, I don't know, I've been doing a lot of reflecting today.
Awesome party, truly awesome. But what an asshole I am. I spent the entire night ignoring E, and flirting shamelessly with CEO AND CFO!
We were playing a few games at something I'm good at, and CEO kicked my ass, which was fun, as I can usually beat most of the guys I work with. It was quite sexy to be beaten like that.. So he kept saying, "She's reeling me in, she's reeling me in.." I think, meaning I was waiting for him to drop his defenses in the game and then kill him last minute? It just felt like an odd thing for him to say, but maybe, probably, I am reading FAR too much into it.
Poor E, I can only imagine what it must have felt like to be him, left on the sidelines while his drunk-ass girlfriend flirted all evening, in front of all his coworkers, with both his bosses. Nice. I feel like shit today, not just because of the hangover I have.
It was an awesome party.. I did enjoy it, but my God how selfish am I?? Fuck.. I am cringing here.
And when we left, E had had his car broken into and his laptop stolen.
That and something else happened which I am completely ashamed to admit to, because I know my dear friend Sartorius will read this. But here goes. There were little party bags there, one for each of us, and our regular boss had left a $50 in each of them as a small bonus. Now, 4 of the girls at the party took off early on their way to another thing, and I promised to look after their stuff for them, a bottle of wine they each won in the raffle. So I had a paper bag with those in, and some stuff of my own. At the end of the night, I noticed that there were a few of these little gift bags left, so I took another one. More correctly, I stole one. Fuck, I feel so ashamed to even write that.
It was immensely stupid, for several reasons. A) how the fuck do I know nobody saw me take it? I was drunk. There were people there.
B) I know what I"m like, I have this huge, crushing conscience, guilty as all fuck, so I sat there all DAY in work today, trying to figure out how to return it. So what did I do? I sent out an email to the girls whose wine I had been looking after, and cc'd my boss, saying that when I got home, I found an extra, was it one of theirs? Hoping they'd say no, and I could take it upstairs tomorrow.
So far so good. No harm done, I hope, but I wonder if boss suspects me of doing something like that, I feel so paranoid and stupid. Wow, do I feel like an asshole.
I really don't know what got hold of me in that drunken moment. I am not a thief generally speaking. Because I know the weight of the guilt I feel is worse than not owning whatever it is I have stolen. I don't even think that my guilt is a healthy thing in a way, it's probably some early life mother bullshit, trained into me.
That, and quite honestly, I have a huge fear of karma. If I didn't think karma would get me, I would probably be way more of an asshole, too.
Anyway, feeling horrible about myself on lots of levels today. But totally still buzzing on the friendship I really do seem to be forming with CEO. He is totally awesome to hang out and get drunk with. He had had a few himself! ;) He's not such a good boy as I had feared.
And also feeling the bittersweetness of that, that all we ever probably will be, is boss and worker, no matter how well we get on. He lives so far away, I hardly ever see him, and he really does seem to be happily married.
And poor E.. I really must be nicer to him. He's a good man. I am a cunt. And so embarrassed at myself.
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