Alnair

Found out today, that the fixed star Alnair is conjunct my Sun.

Alnair: Retiring, (?) active, proud, watchful, kind, idealistic, devoted, liking for astronomy, "the Bright One" formerly part of Piscis Austrinus, the southern Fish 15° Aqu 54 16° Aqu 02 Fortunate Mercury/Jupiter α (Alpha) Gruis B7 (blue) Mg.1.73

Here's a page with all the fixed stars and their meanings. Watch for the nasty popup ads, but it's interesting stuff!   And yes, I love astronomy!

Had a strange weekend, I drank an entire bottle of wine on Friday night, minus the one glass E had. I have to start cutting down a little. 
We went to visit E's mom, a few hours' drive away on Saturday. She is so neurotic about food! Jesus Fucking Christ!!!  All DAY, she was worried about food, it was absurd and insane and even E had to agree, it was way over the sanity-fence and off into Freakland. All we wanted to do was take her out to lunch! Of course, hers was awful, she hated what they brought, then she spent all afternoon worrying about what leftovers E and I should take home.  She baked me an early birthday cake, bless, that was sweet. She also bought one though, in case I didn't like the one she baked, so I had 2! Not that I'm not grateful, but 2 cakes?? Really??  FFS..  She really doesn't understand what a pain in the ass she is, and how hard it is, to be around that constant worrying.
I did enjoy E's 4 year old neice though, she's at that great age when all you get is "why?"  and I love to give her sane answers, not the weird half-truths adults normally tell kids at that age.  She is pretty adorable. I have always said that I don't like kids, but she's a sweetie, we have bonded. Glad I get to give her back at the end of the day though. She puts my Howard Huges tendencies to the test, with all those sticky fingers in my lunch though.

I am not good with kids.  Understatement.

So, E and I didn't have sex all weekend.  I kept avoiding..  I felt bad.  But, I just couldn't. I don't know why, I feel so bad about that!  Jesus, it's just a fuck, somebody I care about, somebody I have fucked a hundred times already. But.. I just didn't feel a thing, no attraction whatsoever.  Poor E. I hate that I am no longer into it, I wish I was!! He totally deserves me to love him and fuck him, and be there, and I can't, I am so dysfunctional and complicated.  I have shut down too far.

I don't think I want sex with ANYBODY at the moment though. It's not them, it's me.   

I have also somewhat gone off CEO, too, that crush has blown over, I think.  Phew!  That's not a bad thing. I started seeing this time he was here, how totally inappropriate it was and how totally incompatible we'd actually be. Which is odd, because our astrology synastry says we'd be perfect!     Well, he is a perfect boss. Let's leave it at that.  But he's complicated too, which I started seeing last week. Aquarian Moon, would I really want to be with another shut down, emotional fuckwit like myself??  So much for Moon Sun trines.

I am in some kind of crisis, and I can't feel what it's about, really, or what would fix it and make everything ok again.   I think I want to be single again, but I am really not sure that would help me.
I was alone all yesterday, from 2 onwards, and collapsed into a pit of self-pity pretty wide and deep. I don't think being alone is what I need right now.  I am glad of E, I really am.  I just wish I could pull my head out of my ass and get on with it.