Blues

Bullshit self-indulgent whine alert, read no further.

CEO left a few minutes ago. I was trying so hard not to go in there and make an asshole of myself. Playing it cool...  I have been spoiling him, making sure he has what he needs, food, drinks, etc., probably a little too much, so I just waited when he left, to see what he would do.  He came in with a large grin on his face, and gave me a hug.  So sweet.  I will take all the hugs I can.

I am so fucking lame at playing hard to get. I swore I would be a little cooler this time, more reserved, less "how can I kiss your gorgeous ass today" kind of girl.  I failed fucking miserably.  
I have been VERY good at not emailing him about random crap though, I have gone silent there, and only really talk to him when he's in the office now. I think that's best. I have a little more control over the 'send' button than I do over my feet that lead me into the room where he is, and my mouth that burbles about stupid shit, for the sake of a conversation. I hate myself when I get like this. It's so uncool, and so NOT how to win a guy like him over.   

E arrived with awesomely bad timing, just as CEO was leaving, I tried hard not to get annoyed with him, he was a pawn of the Cosmic Joker, just to come fuck with me, I think.. Not his fault.    

Feeling a little odd now. This was a weird couple of days, he's been so busy, he's hardly had time to talk to me at all, I felt a little ignored and unimportant, which is stupid.  So the hug was nice. 

E and I had sex last night.  Or, I fucked him, that's probably more accurate. No orgasms for me, he got there too soon for that. He's not been too bad at that, compared to my ex husband! But he was last night.

I am so torn, I really do care about him, he's not bad company or anything, we had a nice evening, but I am so fucking bored.  I think I would be bored with just about anybody (except Johnny Depp) at the moment though, that's the odd thing, I don't think my feelings are necessarily related to E, in some strange way, I think it's perhaps another phase in the post-divorce blues/recovery. He is just in the way of it, sadly. 

Urgh, I want to crawl under a rock today, and wait for the spring to come.  It's so cold and grey here.  

I should be jumping about like a spring lamb, I have Jupiter on my Ascendant, and Mercury/Sun on my Mercury/MC today.  Not so, I have the blues. Can't wait til Jupiter goes direct, maybe that will help.  I think I always get sad near my birthday too, which is in a few weeks' time. 

Really, none of this is about CEO, or E, is it?  It's my crisis, I am projecting all this onto the both of them, because I don't know what I want.

I had lunch with E today, and told him that I needed a big change, and was bored with life at the moment, and didn't know how to make any significant change happen, because usually, I move house when I get that feeling, or get a tattoo, or something, but there's no obvious outlet for it (Besides him, though didn't say that of course!).
Ohhh, sigh.. I am so confused. And bored of MYSELF and all my whining. When I set out to start this blog, it was supposed to be full of the interesting things I do, my sexual adventures, etc, and here I am, whining about my life, pretty consistently. I would never read my blog, I am a self-indulgent, stupid, boring cunt. I would slap me if I met me.

 I sent out an SOS to my astrology mentor in London today.  Let's see what he comes back with. He's cryptic, I have to decipher what he says, more often than not. Please, just give it to me straight, what do I need to do? It's not as simple as just ditching E, I don't think. 

I often wonder if everybody I knew read this blog, whether I would still have any friends left.