I think I have to turn and face the strange soon.
CEO arrives in about an hour, he's here for the next 3 days. Work has been strange this week, we are in the middle of a significant office move, which I am not that happy about. I will be moving in with the rest of the herd, which is not a good thing.
Up until now, my space has been relatively private, and it's only really been my manager who sees what is on my screen and what I get up to in my day, and hears my conversations. So no more overly-personal phone calls, which is a real bummer. Everybody will soon hear everything, including the office bitch, who will only be a few desks away, and I will have no fucking privacy.
Anyway, I can enjoy this week at least, I haven't moved yet, and CEO and I will be by ourselves when he's in here with me! My other 2 co-workers have moved already.
When CEO's in town, I never get to take a proper lunch, that tends to be when he needs the extra TLC, with lunch meetings, etc., so I never get to go to lunch with E during that time.
It's so odd how after I went to that Gnostic Mass back in early November, my time with E is really getting cut into. That's exactly what I asked for! Half of it, at least.. With my relative here, we hardly saw each other, and now she's gone, CEO's here immediately, and I realize, I am sort of dreading having to spend a lot of time with E once he's gone. 'Dreading' is much too strong a word for it, but.. It's been nice having an excuse not to hang out with him! I am glad for a few more days' worth.
That's not a good sign, is it.
I think the time is approaching, where I leap off the cliff again, into single life. I love E, I do, I care about him a lot, but I think I just need to be single again, and not in a relationship. I feel too 'complicated' at the moment, and I'm not wanting to have sex (with him, I'd jump CEO in a second!), and I am not wanting to be spending my weekends stuck at E's house out in the middle of nowhere!
I wish I could just have our Friday nights on his couch watching tv, that would be nice. That's about all I want, I think. A home to go to on Friday nights, and the occasional lunch or dinner, would be lovely. I am too scared I am going to miss all that, if I end things. It's comfortable. I need to find a way to keep it friends, but to back out slowly, and create something different for us.
And I have no fucking idea how to do that.
I think the Scientology thing doesn't help either. While I enjoyed the courses I did, and honestly did get a lot out of doing them, I cannot go along with Scientology's basic world-view, it's so paranoid and fucked up! Honestly, the more you get into it, the weirder it gets. I really DON'T subscribe to the notion that we are all being controlled by aliens, and the only way to do anything about it is to buy more time with a Scientologist.
I am fine with the beginning stuff, it's all useful and good, but I think they have done what most religions do, revised the original teachings to be political, and a induce means of controlling people through fear. I love the auditing, too, it brings up some really interesting stuff, I feel the sessions I had were actually useful.
But, I doubt modern Scientology is what LRH would have wanted it to be.
So there's that, too. I can't really go along with the driving force behind E's thinking. He really identifies as a Scientologist, and there's no getting away from that fact, I can't ignore it much longer. He really has those paranoid beliefs, and his undercurrent is generally negative about a lot of things! Anything he talks about has that slight paranoid spin on it, and it's getting me down, to be honest.
And just what the fuck I am hoping for with CEO, I have no idea, that would be from the frying pan into the fire, he's a fucking Catholic!!!
He has some very interesting astrology at the moment though, Mars is mid-way between the Pluto-Uranus square, and it's hitting his moon directly, to the degree. So his Moon is being pulled and pushed by these squares.
I am wondering what state he will be in when he gets here.
I am waiting for news of his personal life, which I will probably never get. But I know I am a good astrologer! He's going through massive internal and emotional changes at the moment. He's also approaching his Uranus opposition, peaking in April for the first hit, then he gets a rerun as Uranus goes retro, and a 3rd hit in December, I think it was. Anyway, big year for him one way or another, I am watching this space..
Is there no hot, smart, kind, intelligent male out there that isn't in some way indoctrinated with some stupid religious crap I don't believe in, but still has some basic core spiritual understanding?? Is that too much to ask?
I think I am starting to despair that I will ever find anybody that shares my strange Aquarian world views, and would be a fabulous fuck, likes to travel, has an IQ above 130, and all of the things I want out of a relationship, at the same time. It seems a bit of an impossible criteria to fulfil. But I keep thinking that there's somebody out there, walking around today, who is my perfect match, and I just haven't met him yet.
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