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I was up late last night worrying, thinking about what an ungrateful asshole I am. Really. I have this wonderful guy in my life, E, who takes care of me, loves me, does all kinds of things for me, gives me a home to go to on weekends, never criticizes me, is always there when I need or want him..
And here I am, thinking about fucking another guy. Who, probably, would be an asshole in real life, if I knew him better. He's demanding, a little arrogant, always busy, votes Republican, all kinds of things that would drive me nuts when I stop to think about it.
Thankfully that crush on CEO is abating a little, I am glad to say. I am out of obsessive-mode.  

I should just be happy with E, grateful that I have somebody like that in my life, prepared to be there for me.  That counts for a lot, doesn't it?

here I am, if I had my way, I would repeat every stupid mistake I made with my Ex husband, and find myself in the same hole I dug for myself 3 years ago. History does repeat itself. It's just a damn good job this time around, that CEO isn't interested, or at least has the sense not to show it and encourage me.  Really, all the flirting has been on my end, when I stop and think about it truthfully.  Some people are just nice, and I take that as a sign that he's into me.

Sometimes its a really good job we don't get what we think we want.  I hope I don't.  

Sartorius asked me on the phone earlier, if I knew everything now, that I know about E, would I still get into a relationship with him?  I might well do, though I would make sure I didn't get too bogged down and lose sight of a few things.  I really don't know how to answer that. But I would bear in mind what an asshole I can be.  He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.  He does deserve some talking, some honesty, some kind honesty, not the brutal kind, and some time and attention.  I haven't been giving him much lately.  I do love him. I want to make it better, make sure I don't steamroller over his broken heart, like I have the last 4 or 5 men in my life whose hearts I broke because I wasn't grown up enough to handle a proper relationship where you talk about things, work them out. I usually just run away with another guy, the next victim. 
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