Rudderless

Having let go of my crush on our CEO, I think quite successfully, it's quite weird to not be 'in love' with anybody.  I notice what an addiction it is. I think I am going cold turkey.  I would like to quit for good. 

Maybe loving somebody, E, as opposed to being 'in love' with somebody, will be the better deal.  Who knows. But it's odd not having that feeling of something being there in my future, something I am hoping will happen, or looking forward to. I feel a little strange about that.  Rudderless, almost.  And in a way, quite excited.  It's not a bad feeling. 
Even when Ex and I split, E was there in the wings, I wasn't going towards nothing.

Maybe, at gone 40, I will finally start to find myself in all this, rather than looking to an 'other' to provide the fun and security, etc.

I am also feeling a little rudderless in my job at the moment, with all these changes. I would not be unhappy if I could afford to quit!  I guess with a boyfriend, it's not so hard to pay your bills if you quit, is it?  I have to keep this damn job, can't just walk out on it.  :-/  
 
Aquarians, it's true what they say about us, we do thrive on change, even if we don't always like it. I find I do go looking for it, if it doesn't come by itself. 

I was talking to a guy on my bus this morning, he's a bit of a pain in the ass, just getting divorced, wants to talk to me about it all the fucking time, the miserable bastard, but I said to him, I would like a part-time bf, just maybe see E on Friday nights or something.  I like my space, I am a bit of a loner, never let anybody in too close. I feel that happen, and I put walls up.  Probably that's what happened with E.  He got to close, I shut things down. 
I am an emotional fucktard, really.