Latest Movie :

Motor Oil

I am annoyed that after quitting drinking for 2+ weeks, I have actually gained another 1/2lb! FFS!  How irritating.  I am now 140lbs, which is about 25lbs over where I am happy, and the most I have weighed since college 20 years ago.  The hypnosis did nothing to help. I really thought it would I have had hypnosis for other issues in the past and it's been amazing! I am sad that it didn't work for the weight. Still, I might have been 145 by now if I hadn't had it. I guess I can always look at it that way, glass half full.  And Spring is coming, I always lose a little in the summer, I am out and active, and eating more veg and salads than I do in winter. There is hope.  

I got together some photos on my Flickr page of me for a friend, and going through all those was interesting. Of course, I have always thought I was fat.  I wasn't.  I looked great, just a little minor muffin-top.  I would give anything to look like that again.  We never appreciate ourselves at the time, do we?  ;) 

Anyway, CEO is in town again this week, and I am not freaking out. I am actually pretty neutral.  IT guy was giving me crap about it this morning, he's hilarious. Perhaps telling him wasn't such a disaster. Cheered me up.  He is sweet. 

I got in early this morning, to prepare CEO's conference room, restock the drinks, etc.  I am looking forward to seeing him, but the emotional edge has definitely come off, it's no longer the crush it was, not even close. That is good.  It's something to suffer, when you're all bent out of shape like that about another imperfect human being, isn't it?  I am free of that.

I was thinking, somewhat sadly this morning, that maybe I will never be able to really, truly fall in love again. Perhaps having a broken heart really means that your heart is broken, doesn't work like it should, and you can't have those feelings again. It feels far safer not to. There's nobody in my life at the moment I could possibly fall in love with anyhow, I can't think of a single guy I find sexually attractive right now, apart from CEO. I don't think I would know where to meet anybody new, either. I don't get out all that much. None of my friends have single guy friends.
I know that's bullshit, really, and when I'm ready, I'm sure the next bus will come along. I am certainly not ready at the moment, that's for sure.   

In other news, my Dad's brother is getting seriously ill, he has 3 types of cancer, and of none of them are improving. He is in a lot of pain at the moment, and is starting to be more and more bedridden, and that's probably not going to change. My Dad is pretty much his sole caretaker, which is a heartbreak for him.  I am also worried that once my Uncle goes, my Dad will lose the fight a little too, and just give up. He's nearly 70 now.  He's alone, doesn't have a wife, his brother is his best friend, they're very close.  I might have to make an emergency trip home to the UK soon and help my Dad out with all that. I need to renew my passport, which runs out in April this year.  I keep forgetting.  I'd rather get home before there's a funeral, seems a bit pointless to get home afterwards, in a way.  I'd like to see my Uncle before he goes, if possible.  And be there afterwards to help my Dad out with all the practical stuff like funerals, etc. 
Though, knowing my uncle, I would not be in the least surprised if he doesn't go ahead and arrange all that before he dies, he's a very practical, thoughtful person. The family joke is that they buy each other a gallon of motor oil for their birthdays. They do, they really do.   

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