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Wake-up Call

Had a dream of my Ex bf, the occultist, and his best friend on Saturday morning. We were reading an old newspaper article about Tim Leary, I can’t remember what it said, but then we switched on the tv, and there was a documentary about TL on tv too! We were all a little shocked to see him on TV for some reason. We had to pay attention to TL.
Then, we walked down a long underground passage, with corrugated walls and ceiling, it was very odd, and not a little bit Dr Who-like. It had been there for years. It led to an underground house where Crowley had spent a lot of time, written and practiced a lot of magick there. Not my normal dream.

This morning, I had flown to Romania with Ex husband, and when I got there, I found I had to sleep in a stone sarcophagus, and there was a HUGE grizzly bear that was going to eat me, and somehow I tamed it instead. It came over, and I was so scared, but it didn't eat me, and slowly, I managed to make a relationship with it.
I was also walking across a crumbling dam with my mom, water was seeping through, I was scared it would collapse. I had to run across a really narrow bit of sidewalk to get across. I stopped at the end, to pick up a chocolate coin I found, and shared it with my mom. I saw Ex, and he kept walking right past us. I felt so sad.  

A very weird weekend’s worth of dream life!!

I had the day to myself yesterday, E left early, and I took off for down town, to shop, and walk, and sight-see. It was nice, but I felt really kind of lonely and sad. I don't normally, I love to have a day to myself, but I felt kind of lost yesterday, like I had nowhere to go, nobody to really be with.

I tried some clothes on, and saw myself naked from behind in the mirror, and was honestly shocked at how fat I am. I have serious rolls of back-flab, poking out from under my bra. It was disgusting. I have decided to quit drinking, for now, and see what difference that makes to my weight! So many people say "Yeah, I lost a bunch of weight when I quit drinking". 

I just didn't see myself in that mirror, it was somebody I don't recognize any more, there's no other way to put it. I was shocked by what I saw. 

I also feel very uncomfortable about the other night with our IT guy. I don't want to ever find myself in that place again, I felt very weird, I got a case of the ickys after that..  shudder..  Didn't feel good to be that drunk with what is essentially a stranger, he hasn't worked for us for that long. I didn't like that I blabbed all my secrets out to him about my crush on CEO, either.

It was a wake-up call.   I have let myself get out of hand. I felt a little violated by our IT guy, even though nothing happened.

Anyway, I didn't have a drink all weekend. I am feeling quite determined about quitting, which is good.  I have been worried lately that I am drinking far too much. I feel like an addict. I have been drinking almost every night, even if that's "only one", it's still a drink, and it's still too regular, and it's not always "only one". Thursday I had 4 glasses of wine, and almost got into trouble, and felt really sick and hung over for most of Friday.
It's starting to affect my life in ways I don't like. Not least is the weight I have gained. 

It's not helping my self-image, either. I see myself now as a fat alcoholic.  That's not who I am.
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