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I am having the oddest couple of weeks.
Guys are finding me sexy, and I am not sure what changed. I haven't changed my appearance at all, and there's nothing I can think of that's immediately the cause of that. All when I feel about the least sexy I have ever felt, because of the weight I have gained lately. I feel very self-conscious about how fat I am. I am 140lbs, and have always been about 120 until about 2 years ago. I have cellulite on my ass now, and some serious stomach flab. Ugh, I feel ugly and unlovable.

I have had several men on Fetlife saying in messages that they think I'm hot, and it's nice, but it's odd, and not what I am used to. I find that odd too, because none of them have seen my face. Seriously guys, I could look like a fucking horse for all you know. I feel a little reduced to parts by that, a little dehumanized, even. That's not a complaint, I should add. Just a statement about how we all project what we want onto some random photo of a naked body. I do it too! I am not guiltless of that.

And what's even odder, is my dear friend D, who has been a very close friend for the last 13 years, got drunk of Friday night and texted me to tell me he's nuts about me, and has wanted to fuck me forever.
That was a total shock.. I don't quite know what to do.

I love him very much, but am not attracted to him, and find it a little odd, as I usually tell him all about my latest crush or misadventure, and always have, there's nothing he doesn't know about me or my sex-life.

We had a long chat on the phone last night, and I just didn't know what to say. I tried to accept it, not shut him down or embarrass or reject him, but not give him any hope that he's going to get laid by me any time soon either. I told him I am too complicated for that, which is entirely the truth. I am. I wish I loved him as a lover, but I just don't. Not that I haven't ever wondered what it would be like to fuck him. I have, but I think just because we're animals and we're curious, not because I find him hot, I don't.
He's old and hairy and skinny, and really not my type.

Put that together with our IT guy hitting on me again today, inviting me over to his place to meet his dog next time we go out to drink. No. Not happening. A case of "little girl, would you like to meet my puppy?" I wasn't born yesterday. How do I politely avoid that one?? Feels SO awkward.  Ick.. 

I just want to run and hide at the moment. Sex is scary, and I hear myself saying that and think 'What the fuck?'. That's not me, when did I get scared of sex, for fuck's sake??
But I am having to face that I am, that's exactly what's going on here, I am getting scared. I have had several offers recently on Fetlife, and am just plain freaked out by that, and I have no idea why.. Definitely want to keep my legs shut at the moment, it really makes life simpler.
That's the stupid thing, there I am on Fetlife, which is all about sex, and all I want to do is observe, learn, not DO.
Must be some weird phase of post-divorce trauma or something.

I am stumped, honestly. I don't know where I'm going with this one, just trying to work something out in myself here.

Having said that, if Johnny Depp walked into the room now, I am sure I would have no trouble, all that 'mind' and self-consciousness about it all would go away, and clothes would come off fast... ;)   I think that's what is going on here, in the light of day, thinking about it. I am not attracted to any of these guys. If I was, I would be fine. There's just some small part of me that feels she can't say no to the Male Authority, and has to be polite and go along with it. Wow..  That's really scary. 

I think I just answered my own question.  
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