Sweet nights and tough talks, part 2

Continuing from the last post, this is about the second element in what we think makes for the strong foundation we have together. I want to emphasize that these elements are what we've discovered work for us. Every relationship is different because we're all unique individuals and have different things we bring to the table, so to speak. What works for us may not work for others. We're just offering this as food for thought and to share a little more about us.

By talking about the "strong foundation" we have together, we're definitely not implying we have any kind of "perfect" relationship. We don't. We're not even trying for that. I don't even think there's such a thing as a "perfect relationship" mainly because there are no "perfect individuals" to begin with.
I mean, I might come close.........but moving right along...

A while back we both noticed that we would occasionally have these arguments or misunderstandings or "spats" that seemed to come out of nowhere. Not the kind of arguments you have when the issue is major and crystal clear. I'm talking about the arguments that literally come out of nowhere and seem to be blown all out of proportion.

"Matty, why can't you remember to pick up your underwear and socks and sneakers in the bedroom?"

"But I already told you the other day, Brad, I was planning to stop by for a minute and see Greg after work." 

My older brother calls these Toothpaste Issues. As in, "Why do you squeeze the toothpaste tube that way instead of rolling it?" Nothing that's (hopefully) going to threaten the future of the relationship. More like minor irritants that build up and up over time and are rarely the topic of serious discussion.

We've had our share of major issues like any couple, don't get me wrong. Times when we felt like we needed to sit down and hash some things out. Times when feelings were hurt. Times when we just needed to chill so we could get to the bottom of things. Thankfully those times have been few and far between and we've always come out on the other end much stronger than before.

What I'm talking about is making sure we schedule some time periodically where we sit down and check in with each other about anything on our mind, instead of waiting for something to pop up unexpectedly. Kind of a pre-emptive strike, I guess.

Not because there are any serious issues that threaten our future together, but because we've found it helpful to step out of our normal day-to-day life and routines to just say, "Where are we right now?"

I have to be honest and say when we have this kind of "open" discussion, I always get a little nervous. I won't lie. I've spent a major amount of time in my life trying to always think ahead, anticipate things that people might be thinking or feeling, trying to always be on top of things. Having ADHD starting as a kid, I've spent a lot of time apologizing for my impulsive behavior and "motor mouth." I'm very sensitive to anything that sounds like criticism.

When somebody points out something I've said or done that bothers them, my first reaction is to go into defensive mode. Then I start beating myself up for being a "screw-up." My goal is to always try and stay open to what people say and be objective about it. But it doesn't come easily.

So why would I agree to intentionally put myself in a situation where we might be bringing up issues that will be hard to deal with? Also, what's that saying about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"?

Well, we've learned that if we go into this kind of talk knowing ahead of time that the entire purpose of it is to make the relationship stronger, then it's definitely worth the effort. So far we've learned that it's important to check in with each other about the small things that can do serious damage if they're not talked about and dealt with. And all those "small issues" have a way of snowballing into something big if not dealt with.

Doing something like these talks might not work for every couple. In fact, I can see how they might even be a waste of time or feel too forced or fake for some. So I suppose every couple has to find ways to deal with those small issues that crop up periodically to keep them from snowballing into even bigger things. What works for us might not work for you. And what works for you might not work for us.

Since none of us has a "perfect" relationship, what have been some things you've found helpful in your relationship -- past or current -- that have been helpful in building a strong foundation? We all could use suggestions! 

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Growing Up: What a Balancing Act

I've always been pretty good at balancing different things in my life.

When I was in high school, I was on the soccer team and that required a good chunk of my time going to practice. That was all about team work and learning how to use different playing skills as a member of the team.

It also required a lot of time practicing on my own. For example, trying to get better at juggling the ball is something you can only do on your own. I mean, you can practice juggling (like the guy on the right) with a bunch of other people around, but it's basically something you're doing by yourself. The purpose of this solo practice is to learn about timing and control so you can be a better team player. 

Then I had to balance my soccer practice with studying for my classes and staying on top of my grades. Our coach always said something like, "Your school work always comes first. You fall behind in that and you're off the team." An important lesson in "balancing."

I also had a part-time job when I was in high school. There was a small family-owned grocery store close to where I lived and I was a bagger and stock boy. Now I had to add school work (number one priority) to soccer practice and my job. Another balancing act.

I did a pretty good job of managing all these things. I kept my grades up, I never missed soccer practice, I always made time for my solo soccer practice, and I always made it to work on time. Like I said, I've always been pretty good at balancing different things in my life.

At the time, I felt like all the things I just described required a huge amount of effort to stay on top of it all. Well, now we get to a different phase of my life.

I now feel like I'm taking an advanced course in how to balance my life.

One of the things I've been talking to my therapist about is how to better manage all the important things I'm doing. He asked me to make a list of these things. This is what I came up with:

1. My relationship with Matty
2. My course work in college.
3. My relationship with my dad.
4. Paying for college.
5. Spending time with family.
6. Spending time with friends.
7. Recreation and fun.

Well, one conclusion is that I'm not in high school any more!

My therapist then said he suspected the first four on the list probably involved more than a few emotions.

The next thing he wanted me to do was to identify which specific emotions were involved in each thing. Huh? What was he talking about? All I could come up with at the time was this:

1. Matty - Happy emotions.
2. College classes - Stress emotions.
3. Dad - Confused emotions.
4. Paying for college - Stress emotions.

Well, he tried to get me to elaborate on each emotion, and that was a little harder.

He said, "Are all your emotions with Matty 'happy'?"

"Well, mostly, but sometimes there's stress."

"What kinds of stress?"

"Well, you know."

(He didn't accept that as an answer. He said, "How do you think I would know unless you tell me?")

"Okay. Sometimes I have feelings when he forgets things."

"What kind of feelings?"

"Well.... I don't know. Maybe aggravated. I guess."

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~    

We went through each of the first four things I listed and he asked the same questions. The end result of that is I got an assignment. He gave me a handout listing all the different emotions there are. And it was in fine print. And it went on and on and on. (Not really, but that's what it felt like!)

He suggested I start keeping a "Feelings Journal" where I would keep track of different things I do that make me have a feeling. Then he wanted me to go to the list he gave me and find the feeling that best describes it.

Well, before I had my second session, I decided to rebel against my
therapist. Pretty ballsy, huh? What he wanted me to do with this assignment was making me have all kinds of emotions. These are the words on my handout that matched my emotions about doing this assignment:

Irritated. Annoyed. Upset. Miserable. Ashamed. Pessimistic. Alone. Fatigued. Vulnerable. Frustrated. Anxious. Worried. Restless. Dejected. Humiliated. Sorrowful. Unhappy. Lonely.

Lovely. Just lovely. Definitely not a pretty picture.

We talked about why I was feeling all those things and it all boiled down to me telling him this was making me feel too many things when I just need to concentrate on getting through finals. At least for right now.

"How do you feel right now telling me this assignment is too much?"

(I had the List of Feelings handout in my lap but I didn't want to look down at it. It felt like I might be looking at a cheat sheet, ya know?)

"Well.... I'm feeling like you might think I'm not trying hard enough. That I'm not doing my best."

"Brad, has anybody in your life ever told you, 'Brad, you're not trying hard enough? You're not doing your best.'?"

Well, I started getting teary and all I could say was, "Number three."

"Number three? I don't understand."

"Look at number three on that first list we did earlier."

"Your dad. Your dad use to tell you you're not trying hard enough?"

"Yep"

"Brad, I'm not your dad. You can tell me this assignment is too much and I'll respect that."

Well, if this was a play, the stage directions would say something like, [client breaks down crying].

The good thing about all this is that I feel like my therapist and I are on the same page. He gave me a relaxation CD and wants me to use it twice a day. He also wrote down this list (based on stuff I had already told him) and asked me to read it at least twice a day:

1. My GPA from high school was (__X__) [in the A range].
2. I've maintained an A-range in all my college assignments so far.
3. Even though I may feel I'm not trying hard enough, the reality is that A-range work in college is considered "above-average" performance.

I guess I'm doing a pretty good balancing act, all things considered.

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Growing Up

I have a lot of growing up to do and it's a lot harder than I ever thought.

I want to share something that happened this past weekend that was really hard for me to go through while it was happening and is still hard even after everything got all worked out.

Just so you know, Matty saw this post before I put it here and completely supports me in posting it. We made an agreement before we ever started this blog that we would never use the space here to publicly agrue. 

We thought it might be a good idea to share a little of what happened because we're both learning that relationships can get really complicated sometimes and you can't always see what you need to do without the help of friends and people who care enough to be very honest with you.

I'll give a summary of what led up to the problem and then talk about how we worked things out.

Last week Matty had some negative feelings about something that happened between him and a friend of his. He got really worked up about the whole thing and within the span of just a few minutes had decided he never wanted to have anything to do with this friend again. He started saying all kinds of mean and unfair things about this friend -- but not to this friend. He was saying all this to me and a couple of other friends of ours. By the way, we're all friends with this person Matty was so angry at.

Nothing anybody said to Matty about how he was handling this was getting through to him. Everybody was telling Matty he should talk to the friend about what was bothering him and try to work things out. Matty kept getting more and more mad and said some really nasty things about the friend. It was really hard for all of us to be around because he was getting more and more worked up and couldn't see how talking to his friend would help. He just kept saying all these harsh things about his (and our) friend and wouldn't let any of us help him think about what he could do.

After a while he eventually calmed down and contacted his friend and within about five minutes everything was worked out. It had all been a misunderstanding on Matty's part and they're good friends again.

Matty then apologized to me and the other friends he had been talking to for saying all the harsh things he did and making all of us get really upset with him. You could tell the apology was real and genuine. Matty was upset with himself for being so unfair to the friend and was also upset with himself for involving all of us and being so self-centered (his words) that he was taking his feelings out on us.

Well, in addition to feeling good that Matty and his/our friend were okay again, we all accepted his apology, not that he was mad at the friend because that happens sometimes, but that he was taking his feelings out on us and pushing us away while we were truly trying to help.

After he apologized and I (thought) accepted it, I didn't realize at the time that I was still feeling really upset with him. To be completely honest, I had this worry that maybe he didn't really learn anything and it might happen again and the apology was just empty words.

I didn't tell him this because at the time I didn't realize I was still doubting his apology. All I knew was that I was still skeptical of his apology and thought I had to keep some kind of "punishment" going because -- and this is hard to admit -- I sorta felt like I couldn't trust his apology. I kept my distance from him and sorta started this cold war.

Later the next day he was joking around with me and just being his usual silly self. He's actually a lot of fun to be around when he's feeling happy and enjoying being with me. Sometime he likes to pick on me, all in a playful and fun way, and we go back and forth with these really silly jabs and usually end up feeling super close to each other. What Matty didn't know was that I had this "secret cold war" still going on inside of me.

At one point I asked him to stop all his kidding around because I was getting irritated with it, but he thought I was just being playful and kept on and on and on, trying to get me in a better mood. When he wouldn't stop and I had enough, I snapped at him and it sorta startled and confused him. He could tell I was serious and, since he didn't know there was this cold war going on, he snapped back at me. Since we're being honest here, I called him an asshole and he snapped back and said I was being the asshole.

Well, the cold war then became a hot war and I stormed out of the house, got in my car and called my sister. My sister and I have always been really close and I can tell her anything and know she'll listen to me, take me seriously, and be totally honest with me.

I told my sister everything that happened over the past few days including how Matty handled the friend situation, including the fact that he apologized for how he had taken out his feelings on me and the other friends who were only trying to help him out.

I told her I didn't know if Matty would go back to his old ways and do it all over again and I had to keep on him and not cut him any slack because I maybe didn't trust his apology.

Eventually my sister said something like, "You make Matty sound like he's our dad." You see, my dad use to make all these screwups when we were growing up and then he'd apologize and we'd believe him and then he'd start drinking again and being a real asshole. It got to where nobody believed him anymore and we all ended up really hurt and didn't trust his apologies anymore. My sister pointed out that when somebody close to me screws up and then apologizes, I have a hard time believing them.

The other thing I realized was that when Matty gets going with all his kidding around, most of the time he's really fun to be around. He's got a wicked sense on humor and most of the time we have a ball joking back and forth. Then sometimes I start loosing my patience with it and ask him to cut it out. I guess he thinks I'm just kidding and he keeps on with the joking while I'm getting more and more annoyed until I finally snap at him.

I know a lot of it has to do with his ADHD. Up to now I've been putting it all on him to control that. The medication he takes helps a lot, but sometimes he can get really, really hyper and I don't know what to do to make him chill. So, I snap at him. Guess what that does? It only makes it worse and I end up really pissed off at him and he ends up confused and pissed off because he thought he was just being funny.

Two really close friends of mine pointed out to me that this is something Matty was born with it and it's a part of him and if we're in this relationship "in sickness and in health," then I can't just put everything on him to "fix" or "control" his brain and how it works. They said I should have a serious talk with him about it and see if we can't figure out I can help him with it. For example, when I'm getting aggravated and annoyed and irritated, maybe we could work out a signal I could give Matty so he knows I'm not playing around anymore and for him to see if he could take a one minute chill.

So, two big lessons came out of all this for me:

One is to not take out my feelings about my dad on Matty. When Matty does something that makes me mad, like lash out at me when he's really mad with someone else, and then realizes what he did and apologize for it, I have to give him the chance to show he means the apology and not automatically assume he's like my dad and can't be trusted.

The second lesson is about the ADHD. I have to realize that since we're in this relationship together, I have a part to play in helping him understand how it affects me and we both have a part in finding some ways to deal with it when it becomes a problem. That's what being together "in sickness and in health" means to me. You can even change those words to mean, "during problems and good times." It's all the same to me.

So, yeah, like I said at the beginning, growing up is a lot harder and more complicated than I ever thought. I have to trust more (which can be scary because of all that stuff with my dad) and I have to see our relationship as a "partnership" where we work together when we're having problems.

Oh, and the other really, really big thing I learned has to do with how important it is to have true friends in your life. Friends who care about you and aren't afraid to tell you the truth and point out things you don't see. It might strain the friendship because they might be mad at you for being unfair to the person you love, but if friends can't be honest with each other when they care about you, then I guess they're not really friends at all. I'm glad I have some true friends in my life who care about me (and Matty) and help us while we're trying to grow up.

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Getting Cruised on Campus (part 1.5)

Seems like I'm doing a lot of apologizing lately, more than I hope I ever have to do again in my life. Public apologies, private apologies, internal apologies from myself to myself... It's got to end soon.

So I'm going to add one more apology to all of you. Seems like I'm getting good at saying "I'm sorry" but it never, ever is easy to do.

I really am a good person. At least I can say that and feel good about it and not apologize. 

Sometimes, however, I do and say things without thinking everything all the way through, which I constantly have to be on top of. Sometimes I say things that come out of my mouth the wrong way and I have to apologize. Sometimes my ideas and plans are way too big for any person to follow through with and I have to apologize.

But, I take responsibility for myself and keep trying to do better. And keep trying to be a better person. I really do.

So here's Apology Number 5,462 (at least it feels that many) over the past three-week period:

When I wrote yesterday's post I realized way too late that it was going on longer than I even realized. Sometimes when I start something I loose track of time. So, I had to abruptly end the post and get my ass to school. I said I would finish with the details today.

Well, guess what? This is Thursday and I have an early afternoon class and a late afternoon class. AND I have to get myself to the library early this morning to finish some reading and complete an assignment.

So, I'm getting ready to leave home now and won't be able to finish what I started yesterday. Another example of how I sometimes don't take the time to plan ahead. Another example of how I also loose track of time.

And my apologies to you for not being at my best. I'll have to finish what I was telling you about tomorrow. And, yes, I've checked and my Friday schedule is a whole lot lighter than the others. I've blocked out time to finish what I started.

I hesitate to promise. I'm tired of apologizing. But this is what I can say with absolute certainty: I will do my best.

Thanks for putting up with all this.

Matt

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No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 3

Hey Matty......

You remember when you asked me out for our first date? I had just met you and thought you were the most gorgeous guy I had ever met. And you wanted to go out with me? Me? Why would someone with your good looks want to go out with me, I was thinking. You could have any guy you wanted (or girl for that matter).

When you asked me out, I think my heart was beating so fast and my breathing got so shallow I literally got lightheaded and dizzy. I think all I was able to say was, "Okay." Remember that? I was trying to fight some tears. For a minute it was like being in a dream. It felt so unreal. What was happening to me? It was like I was caught in some spell.

I still can't figure out why you were so nervous on our first date. I remember you couldn't take your eyes off me. You were so totally cute. I mean, here was this really hot, rugged, totally masculine guy sitting across from me at the restaurant, and you had this little boy cuteness about you. I had to fight to keep from melting. And you were trying to keep the conversation going by asking me all these sweet and adorable questions about me. I felt so special that night. I never got the feeling you were trying to impress me. You made me feel lovable, beautiful, smart, witty -- and you had me blushing like every five minutes. I remember thinking something like, "This guy has no ounce of self-conceit in him." You were a little caught off guard when I started asking questions about you, like you were kind of embarrassed to talk about yourself. So totally adorable.

One special memory I have is the first time you kissed me. It was after our third date. You looked so nervous and cute and adorable when you asked me if you could kiss me. I remember giving you this smile and all I could do was nod my head. That first kiss was so full of tenderness. It was like two things were going on inside me at the same time. It felt like this low-zap of electricity flowing through me, and it also felt like I could just melt into you. I mean, literally loose myself.

Every time we go out in public together, I feel totally safe with you. When we hold hands or you put your arm around my shoulder, I get this really safe feeling like we're the only two people on the planet. People sometimes look at us funny or do double takes, or a few times  have thrown some ugly names our way. I absolutely know you would never let anything bad happen to me -- or us. I never thought I would be comfortable holding hands with another guy in public, but with you I always look forward to it.

And how would I have ever gotten through all that stuff I've been going through with my Dad without you? When I first told you all about it, I remember starting to cry. It was the first time I had ever told another person how I was feeling about that. I mean all of it. We stayed up until 3:00 AM that night and I felt you were so there for me. You held me really tight, rubbed my back, sat back and held my hands while I literally poured my heart out. You kept saying things like, "Just let it out, Brad. Let it all out. I'm here, baby." At the time I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel any embarrassment about crying in front of you. And this was kind of early on in our relationship. I could see how you understood the pain I was in. It almost seemed like you were going through the same thing I was, and feeling all that pain. You took really good care of me that night. I think that was the first time I was starting to feel like I loved you. Going through all that with you gave me the courage to start thinking about how I needed to deal with my Dad directly about all this. So, you played a huge role in getting things started there.

When I started meeting your friends, I could always tell how much they respected you. Sure, you and them were always joking around, but I could always tell they saw you as this really solid friend. I remember feeling astonished that you had all these really amazing friends. It was almost like they kind of worshiped you. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it made me think you were the kind of person people could trust and count on and look up to. I think you're very lucky to have the friends you have. I haven't disliked a single one so far. And, they are very lucky to have a friend like you. Totally loyal. One of them told me you never gossipped. He said he had told you extremely personal things and he never had to worry that somebody would hear about it. You really are a man of integrity.

Oh, and that thing about your work party? Man, if you couldn't see how much they like you, then you are truly blind! :) Yeah, maybe some of it has to do with you being the youngest one there, but you dished it all back to them. I watched how they interacted with you. It was like they were all trying to let you know how much they enjoyed you. Maybe they were trying to show off a little for me, but I appreciated how they tried to include me in all their kidding of you. I don't know a whole lot about how straight guys show affection to each other, but, dude, they love you.

So, earlier this week at the restaurant where I work? Those guys you thought were flirting with me? Maybe they were a little. When stuff like that happens, I try to be nice and decent, but flirting back with another guy, in any setting, under any circumstances, is so totally not on my radar. After everything we've created -- our relationship I'm referring to -- which has been based, not on sentiment, but Love (with a capital L), you are the only guy I flirt with. I can't even think about wanting to flirt with anybody else. It would seem so shallow and empty and meaningless and silly.

So, you have nothing to worry about, boy! I made a commitment to you. I'm in this thing all the way. Whatever problems we have, I know we'll get through them. I love you and this is for real, baby. For real.

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No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 2

I'm going to start this off with being very direct and blunt. Brad already knows this, so it's no surprise there.

A few times over the past year we've been together, I have come close to ending our relationship. We haven't written about this because it just seemed too personal. But even more than that, I've always told him what and how I was feeling and we've been able to talk our way through it. We always come out on the other end feeling stronger and closer to each other.

We decided to talk about it in the blog now because it feels like we've reached a major turning point and it really feels like some major issues have been resolved. Brad was not kidding when he said that one of the hardest parts of a relationship is realizing what your fears and insecurities are and facing them head on.

This is the first relationship for both of us. Neither of us has been through anything like this before. All the things that come easy, come very easy. It is very easy to love Brad. It is very easy to play and have fun with him. It is very easy to discover and enjoy all the things that go into making him a very, very special human being. It is very easy to enjoy and immerse myself in his beauty. Every time we have sex, it seems like it's the first time for both of us. For me it seems like each time there's always some little thing that happens I've never noticed before. I often get this feeling that every time we have sex, it's going to be different in some way from the last time.

But as Brad said yesterday, the hard things are very, very hard. I'm beginning to realize that in some ways, that's probably true for any relationship. Two people who have their own backgrounds, their own personalities, their own hopes, dreams and needs are surely going to have their share of difficulties. My older brother, who is one of my best friends ever, told me that it is inevitable for there to be problems or conflicts in any relationship where intimacy is involved.

But then there's the whole business of what we (and here I'm talking about me) do when all these killer emotions rear their ugly head. I pride myself on being a very rational person. When my friends come to me with some problem they're having, they all say I have this ability to step back and analyze it, break it down into all it's different parts, point out what's wrong with some of the logic and give really good advice on how to pull it all together to make sense of it all.

Most of the time I do a pretty good job applying all this to myself. I've written before about how my ADHD can sometimes get in the way and my thinking gets all disorganized for a while. But I'm pretty proud of myself for learning ways to slow myself down and get re-focused.

It's not my thinking getting all disorganized that gets me into trouble. I get myself into real trouble when my emotions get disorganized and all out of whack.

So, getting back to why we're writing all about this here. This past Monday, when me and my younger brother ate lunch at the restaurant where Brad worked, I was already pretty worked up before we got there. Over the  past weekend Brad and I had talked some more about his plans to go to college this Fall. He's been accepted at this college in Vermont and it's something we've both known for a while was coming. We've certainly talked about it from all different angles.

First and foremost, I'm so proud of him for taking his education seriously and I totally support him going. I could go on and on about how awesome it is that he's been taking his future seriously and planning for this for years now. Plus, I have to brag on him for being so smart to make incredibly high grades throughout high school. This is a major positive thing for him to do, and if he ever said he had doubts about going, I would of course listen to those doubts, but I would be relentless in trying to convince him to go. He can write more about his future if he wants to, but I know his future is incredibly important to him.

In fact, I could go on and on about all the different things he has going for him. All my friends have fallen in love with him. My entire family has virtually adopted him. My parents see him as their son-in-law. My two brothers see him as their brother-in-law (in fact, my younger brother said he would drop the "in-law" part because he thinks of Brad as his full brother). I think if Brad and I ever broke up, my family would probably disown me and never forgive me. My younger brother said if that ever happened, I could move out and Brad could move in!

Every time we go some place together it's obvious that people are drawn to him. He's got this low-key presence about him and when you combine his natural beauty and his kind personality, it seems like everybody likes him and wants to be around him. When we went to Maine on that vacation after he graduated from high school (paid for my my aunt, who also dearly loves him!), he had such natural charm with the other guests at the B & B, he virtually was the center of attention while we were there. And he wasn't trying to be anything other than himself. I think he was kind of surprised at the attention he got and a little embarrassed by it all. One thing about Brad is that he is not a "put-on." I don't think he would know how to fake being a charmer. What charm he has is very low-key, innocent and genuine.

So, on Monday at the restaurant I was still thinking about him moving to Vermont to go to college. Then seeing how the customers in the restaurant were relating to him got me to thinking not only about how I was going to miss him this Fall, but I was feeling incredibly insecure about what his life will be like when I'm not there to be a part of it with him, like now. And you can guess all the stories my mind was telling me about that table of four college guys who seemed to be fawning all over him -- at least that's what it looked like from where I was sitting.

When we went to my work party this past weekend, nobody had actually met Brad before then, but he really was a hit. Not only with the women there (who really seemed to lay on a lot of attention), but also with some of the guys I work with. They found out he's really into soccer and they were all seemed to be competing for time arguing with him about different world teams, which Brad knows a lot about.

So, when I went to Brad's house Monday night to talk I was scared shitless about what he would say to me about how I acted earlier that day. Walking out of the restaurant without acknowledging him or saying anything was the height of rudeness and immaturity on my part. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Before going to his house I was at home in my room beating myself up for being a fucking asshole. I was so angry and miserable at myself for realizing I had all this jealously in me. Even more than that, I was angry that I didn't seem to know how to deal with it.

Then all that anger moved into this deep, deep incredible sadness. Then it went into the most intense fear I've ever felt. I knew Brad was going to see the core of all this ugliness inside me. I knew he was thinking about how he was going to tell me he didn't think things were going to work out between us, and we should think about ending things. I mean, dealing with all this stuff from me is more than anybody should have to handle. I knew I had crossed the line with the rudeness and immaturity at the restaurant.

So, when I got to his house, he saw I was in bad shape. He didn't actually say anything, but just held the front door open to let me in. We went to his room and closed the door, and all he said was, "So?"

I started off apologizing for how I had acted at the restaurant. I went over everything I had been thinking and feeling -- all the stuff I am writing about here. I was talking for about 30 minutes and he hadn't said a word. When I finished, he took about a minute to think, and just said, "This is all about trust, Matt. We either trust each other or we don't. There's no in between. I think that's all I have to say."

Without going into all the details, cause this post is too long as it is, we stayed up talking about another two hours. I think we worked out a lot of stuff. I told him I wanted us to talk some more after we thought about everything we had been discussing. We're getting together tonight to talk again.

This monster called "jealously" is a fucking son of a bitch. I don't think it gets slayed with one talk. For me it's a lot about my own insecurities and I have to do that work myself. That might take some time. In the meantime, Brad said we have over a year invested in this relationship. He said he loves me. Pure and simple. He wants to take whatever time we need to work this all the way through. I'm totally on board with that.

So, yeah, love at it's best is both easy and hard. Damn easy and damn hard. For me it's worth it. There's a lot at stake when you love someone. Knowing myself -- all of me -- has been really hard. Loving someone as incredible as Brad is making it all worthwhile.

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No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 1

This is one of those posts Matt and I weren't sure we would put up. It's a hard thing to write about something that is very personal and in some ways doesn't show you in your best light.

After talking about it all the way through, we decided we'd go ahead with it. One of the best things about being in love is the intense joy and happiness you get to experience with someone special. One of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface and it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them.

I'm in the second week of my summer job as a waiter (no, strike that. We're called "Servers" now!). I'm actually enjoying the job a lot better than I thought I would. I'm working the lunch shift and so far really enjoy the other people working there.

One of the other "Servers" came out to me after the first day while we were talking about a movie he saw recently. He just worked it into the conversation that he went with his boyfriend. So, in turn, I said I had been wanting to see the same movie and Matt and I were talking about going. He sorta smiled when I mentioned Matt's name, so I clarified that I was referring to my boyfriend. Without missing a beat, he said maybe he and Jeff and Matt and I could double up sometime and go out. I said cool and told Matt about it later that day, and we talked about going to see X Men: First Class.

Matt had already stopped by for lunch by himself one other time and was seated at one of the tables I work. It was all a lot of fun as we pretended not to know each other and did this role play thing where we started flirting with each other. Since I had only started working there we had to be careful and secretive about it, which actually made the whole role play thing a lot more fun. It's so funny when things like this happen, even after being together for over a year now. I mean, even after a year, I still get a hard-on when we do stuff like this. And then there's the whole thing about how you hide that since you're in this really public setting and I'm walking back and forth as horny as hell! Matt was sitting down and got a tablecloth to cover up his "evidence."

Well, Monday this week, Matt and his younger brother popped in for lunch. Matt didn't have to work and he and his brother were planning on meeting up with some friends later that afternoon. He and his brother got seated at one of the tables I don't work, so he got another server. We were pretty busy that day and I was running all over the place, but I did stop at their table for a sec to say hi.

The restaurant is in this relatively small suburb of Boston -- it's actually in the category of a "town" which I guess means they don't have large enough population to earn the title of "city" or something. It has a kind of "artsy" look to it. There's some art galleries, small high-end clothing stores, some coffee shops and two independent bookstores. Plus, there's this medium-size private college campus about 5 blocks away from the restaurant, so we get a lot of student and faculty customers (or "Guests" as we call them!).

So, while Matt and his brother are there eating lunch, this group of four young guys come in and are seated at one of my tables. I had seen two of them in there before and knew they were students at the college. I would say all four of them were probably about 19, maybe 20 years old. It was pretty obvious that the two who had been there before were at the very least boyfriends or dating or something. I had seen them reach across the table and had their hands on top of each other. And you could tell by the way they had been looking at each other (you know, doing the "eye thing" and smiling) that they were they were definitely enjoying each other's company. 

The other two guys with them this time were obviously close friends of theirs and my gaydar was beeping on high alert! And I have to say they were all incredibly cute and friendly.

Well, since I had already served two of them previously, they were acting like we were all good friends, or something. They introduced me to the two guys they were with this time, and you would have thought we had all known each other from childhood.

It was sorta weird in a way. That's one thing I'm learning about being a server. Once you wait on someone the first time, it's like they think you're best friends from there on out. It's kinda nice in a way, because it makes the work enjoyable, but there's still something a little off-putting about it -- like there's this "fake intimacy" that's parading as close friendship. But, overall it's totally harmless. In a way, it's another example of some kind of role playing going on.

So, when I brought them their lunch, one of the guys shows me this piece of paper they're looking at that's about this dance they're having at school. There's this LGBTQ organization they're all apparently a part of and they're inviting me to go. They said I could go as a guest of theirs if I was interested. So, I lingered at the table probably for a little longer than I should have looking at the announcement. Luckily I was called away by one of my other tables asking me for their check.

Before these four guys left they asked me again if I wanted to go to the party. I just told them I already had other plans that night and thanked them for the invitation. They were totally cool and nice about it and then left. They did, thankfully, leave me a nice tip, which I appreciated!

So, Matt and his brother were finishing up their lunch about this time and were leaving. I tried to get over to them once more to say bye, but Matt was almost already out the door. His brother just looked at me with this sympathetic look and walked over to say bye. I asked him what was wrong with Matt, and he just said he thought he was jealous. Well, I didn't have time to talk more with his brother about it and by this time Matt was already out the door. No goodbye, no wave, no nod. Nothing. Just got up from the table and left. Need I say I was pissed? I mean, WTF is going on?

I still had two hours left before my shift was over, but I felt like I was getting physically sick or something. And I was still pissed. And confused. I wanted to walk out on my shift and find Matt to have it out with him. I mean, this is the first time he's ever done something like this. I felt totally misunderstood, mistreated and frankly disrespected. I have always had a very low tolerance for rudness and this felt over the top. I couldn't believe it.

Then I started feeling scared -- or terrified is more like it. My thoughts started spinning that he was going to break up with me. I knew rationally I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but it was hell to be stuck at work, put on a smile and be courteous to everybody eating lunch there.

After I got off my shift, I headed to my car. I wanted to find Matt to talk about all this, but I didn't know exactly where he was. All I knew was he and his brother were going to be hanging out with some friends. About that time, my phone buzzed and I got a text from him that just said, We need to talk. 8 tonight? I wrote him back and asked where. He said at my house. I said OK.

Great, I'm gonna get dumped. And worse it was gonna happen at my house and then he's leaving. My mind was totally spinning out of control. Matt can be stubborn at times (like I can, too), but for some reason this felt more serious. What am I suppose to do between now and 8:00? All I could think of was to replay in my mind everything that happened at the restaurant earlier. Was he pissed because I had ignored him and his brother? That I could explain. Was he pissed because he thought I was flirting with those guys? That I could explain also. The real fear was, Would he believe me and give me the chance to explain and be rational about the whole thing? Or, was something else bothering him? Or, had he made some kind of decision about us and he just wanted to let me know?

Like I said at the beginning, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface. That's when it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them. It felt like there was a lot at stake with this whole thing. What if we couldn't work out whatever it was that had happened? What if he was ending the relationship? What would I do then? I think it's the scaredest I've ever been in our relationship, and it seemed like 8:00 would never get here. It did though and when Matt arrived, it looked like he had been crying. The other look on his face I can't even describe. He looked totally shut down.

He'll finish what happened tomorrow.

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Sex Anyone?

Well, we've safely arrived back home from our vacation in Maine! There were a few things about the vacation we want to write about, so we hope to have that up shortly.

We also want to get back to something we wrote about a while back. You know, in so many ways our relationship and love is growing, but it's not all been "smooth sailing," which I suppose is typical of any relationship. I mean, you grow through all the good times you share AND also the "hard stuff" can also make you stronger if you know how to work through it.

We've had some minor arguments and a few major ones over the past year. Thankfully we've been able to clear things up and work some stuff out. We think it's made us stronger in many ways. Some of it has been easy to work out and other things have been very hard and scary. I mean, there's a lot at stake, right?

So, we're talking about how we're going to write about it. One of our readers sent us a message about whether we ever argue (short answer: yes!), and if so, how is "making up." We guess it's pretty normal after spending a lot of time talking about an argument, expressing our feelings, including anger, disappointment, feeling hurt, etc., that once you get things worked out and clear the air, you have all these pent-up feelings going on afterwards that need a release. And, yes, we're talking here about some pretty intense lovemaking.

We've talked about how much detail to include in the "making up" part. We don't want to turn things into a major porn site {sly grin}, so we're not sure how everybody feels about hearing about that stuff. Like, how much is Too Much Information? We never wanted our blog to be so serious that we never had any fun, and, well, maybe writing about the "making up" might fit in the "having fun" category.

So, we were wondering how all of you feel about hearing about that? How much is Too Much Information? We're going to ultimately decide that for ourselves, of course, but we thought we'd ask for your feedback. So, give it some thought and maybe use the comment section for this post to leave us your thoughts. If we make it too racy, would you be inclined to think less of us? Would you prefer we keep things kinda like they've been going, or would it be fun to hear more of the "down and dirty" details? Let us know.

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"Motor Mouth" or Something Serious? part 2

To say that I was scared shitless about bringing all this up would be an understatement. But I had a choice, which was to stuff my pissed feelings and just concentrate on everything that was going unbelievably well and hope for the best, or, to find out what the hell was going on so we could either talk about it and work it out or, worse-case, figure out whether we had a future together. I didn't want to end up getting really hurt even harder later on if it was something I couldn't deal with. And the whole drug possibility was totally freaking me out.

So, I got up my courage and told him we needed to have a serious talk. We were already planning to go on this picnic hike on a State wildlife reservation north of Boston on Saturday a few days ahead. Matt had been before and he said it was never crowded with lots of people. And there were these really cool secluded areas in the woods just off the trail.

He asked me what I wanted to talk about (fair question). I didn't want to get into it then so all I said was something like, "I just want to tell you how I feel about you -- and us. You know, our future together and where we go from here." He looked relieved but I could also tell he was a little confused. This would be the first time in the month we had been dating we had ever had a "sit down serious talk." I think he could also tell I had this serious look on my face. He asked if I could give him a hint, and I just grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze and repeated what I had just said. He raised our hands to his lips and kissed my hand. All he said was, "Well, anything having to do with you is worth the wait."

I tried  to make everything normal until Saturday, so we got back into our usual flow, even though I felt like we were both a little more chill than usual.

When we got to the reservation on Saturday, Matt led us to the trail he said would lead to this little clearing in the woods that was kinda private. Luckily when we got there, nobody was around.

Matt had packed this really cool picnic lunch. He knew I loved these "subway" sandwiches with lots of lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and peppered ham. Plus he brought some lemonade (which I love) and -- most importantly -- plenty of your good ol' junk food (every teenager's delight!), such as potato chips, chocolate chip cookies and some kind of moist cake made mostly of chocolate!

We spread out our picnic and began eating and talking about how beautiful the place was. I felt like it wouldn't do any good to delay our talk, plus, even though I was scared as hell, I couldn't just pretend this was "just another walk in the woods," so to speak.

So, I just said something like, "So, I guess you're wondering why I called you here?" Matt smiled but had this worried and freaked look on his face and I just said, "Well, I want to tell you some stuff I've been thinking about and before you respond, I need you to let me get everything out and then we can talk about it. No questions, no interruptions, no discussing till it's all out. Okay?" He kinda smiled and said, "Sure. No problem. It might be kinda hard to not say anything till you're finished, but, sure, I can do that." I told him, "Well, that's kinda what I wanted to talk about."

I won't go into a detailed transcript of what I said, but I basically summarized how happy and lucky I felt to be boyfriends. I gave some examples of what our relationship meant to me and how happy I've been over the past 4 or 5 weeks.

Then I told him I wanted to know him even better but said I had been finding that hard to do. I said not to take this wrong, but, "sometimes you come on kinda strong. I mean I always want to soak up everything you say and have these great talks and everything. But sometimes, you know, it's hard for me to take it all in. Maybe you're just a lot smarter than me or something, but I don't feel like I have a whole lot of time to run everything you say through my brain. And then you just keep going and before I know it, I feel like I've been left behind."

So far Matt had just been sitting there listening to me, like I asked him to. He was looking right in my eyes and it seemed to to be going in. So I just said, "You know how we joke with each other a lot. Well, I don't know whether to give you a pet name like "Motor Mouth Matt" or if there's something else going on. I guess I'm confused sometimes because I don't know how to think about it. Sometimes you're fun to watch like you're this excited little kid and you just want to tell me everything that's going on in your head. And then other times I start getting kinda pissed cause you're words fall all over me and I don't feel like I have a chance to jump in. Does any of this make any sense or am I just being overly sensitive?

At this point, Matt looked down at the ground like he was thinking how to respond. Then he looked up and I swear to God his face was pale, and, oh shit, his eyes had all these tears in them. I thought he was going to start crying and felt scared like I'd hurt his feelings. He looked crushed and I didn't know what to do.

He then said something along the lines of, "Brad, I am so sorry I've put you through this. I totally apologize for making you feel all this. The last thing I want is to hurt you or make you pissed or anything like that." He had some tears going down his face and I wanted to take back everything I said. I had never seen him like this and it was killing me. But he went on...

"I've been called 'Motor Mouth' so many times it's not funny. Sometimes I feel like I can't control it like something gets control of my brain and I can't stop talking."

Then he said, "I want to tell you something that's hard for me to talk about. It's always been embarrassing for me. I'm not saying this is an excuse, but it is what it is."

Then he explained that when he was a little kid, he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I knew a little bit about it but he went through a step-by-step explanation. He said he sometimes took this medication and even though the doctor said he might outgrow the "hyperactive" part of it, it was still there but not as bad as when he was little. He said he had learned ways to control it on his own, but he still needed the medication at times.

He explained that when he got "revved up" or overexcited about something it was like his brain was hard to control. Then he said that meeting me had been the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.

He also said he was still ashamed or something about having it. When he was a little kid, before it was diagnosed, teachers would get so frustrated with him because he couldn't sit still or stay focused on his work. He said he got called all kinds of names like "troublemaker," "brat," and yes, "motor mouth." One teacher even said he would probably end up in juvie because he was always talking back and getting in trouble. Plus the other kids didn't like being around him.

Well, by this time I was crying. I felt like I had just added to all his troubles. He could tell it and held my hands and then put his arms around me and told me I did the right thing by bringing all this up. The difference, he said, in me bringing it up and all this teachers when he was a kid, was that he knew I cared about him.

We talked and cried a little bit more and he said he didn't want to loose me. All I said was, "I want this to work."

On the way back home I told him I had been worried he was doing drugs or something. He assured me the only "coke" he had ever done was "Diet Coke" and he had no interest in doing drugs and had never tried any. I mentioned the thing about him going to the bathroom a lot when we were snuggling on the sofa watching movies. He laughed and said that was because he probably drank too much soda and had to pee a lot, and, well he always wore boxers instead of tighter undies when we snuggled and he had to, well, go adjust himself.

Anyway, there you have it. Our first "crisis" in our first month together. I felt drained and relieved and, well, good that we had the talk. It seemed like we might have a chance after all.

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"Motor Mouth" or Something Serious? part 1

As you might remember from some of the first things I wrote about meeting Matt that first time, this was not one of those relationships you hear about that go at a slow pace and take time to develop. A few minutes after meeting him that first time I was so turned on that I wanted to reach out and hold his face with both my hands and pull him in to kiss those lips, then take his clothes off and make passionate love to him the rest of the day. Only problem was, I met him at his eighteenth birthday party and there were maybe 20 or 30 other people there! Plus, I was only seventeen then and had never kissed another boy much less had sex and made love to one. But, whew, I was speeding inside with all kinds of feelings that I started getting lightheaded. As you recall from what I wrote, I played it cool and probably came across as super shy.

Soon after we met at his party he asked me out on a date for the following weekend. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. Very romantic indeed! During that first week before the date we talked on the phone every day.

Well, that first date sealed the deal for me, and maybe I'll write about that at some point. All I knew after that date was I wanted to see this guy every chance I could. But I really had to slow myself down. I mean, we had only known each other a week. Plus, I had never dated before and didn't know exactly how all this worked. I didn't want Matt to think I was lonely or needy or somehow pathetic. All I knew was that I wanted to find a balance between jumping his bones every time I saw him and just trying to be my natural low-key self.

Matt, however, was a different story. I mean he never came across as needy or anything, but whenever he was around, he always looked so eager and engaged -- a little anxious even. I always felt like there was this energy coming out of him that he sometimes had a hard time controlling. It was very easy for me to get swept up in all that energy, and, to be honest, it made me feel good. Being on the receiving end made me feel special and attractive. When he was around I felt like we were the only two people on the planet.

After about a month into the relationship, I started feeling like I couldn't keep up with him. He was always talking about different things we could do together like going to the beach, going sailing, going backpacking and camping. He was always talking about various plans he had for his future and a wide array of beliefs and philosophy about life. On the more relaxed side of things, I liked that he wanted to show me some of his favorite special spots where he liked to go to be by himself when he needed to think.

And, dear God, Matt always had ideas and thoughts and plans he couldn't wait to tell me about. All this was totally exciting and I remember thinking he was the most intelligent, exciting and interesting person I'd ever met. But sometimes he couldn't stop talking. It was like there was this engine inside him that was always on overdrive.

Sometimes he would be telling me about something and it was almost like all his sentences ran together. Or I would be telling him something and every now and then he would jump right in the middle of my sentence and take off running. In the beginning I just thought it was nervous energy and tried to be patient. As time went on I started getting seriously pissed. It was like he was sucking all the air out of the room. Sometimes he had trouble staying on one topic and his thoughts would go bouncing all over the place.

In that first month I was a little nervous about bringing it up to him. Everything else was going seriously great, but I didn't know how to talk to him about it. I decided to talk to two friends of mine about it. One of them said just to make a joke about it and use humor, like maybe call him "Motor Mouth Matt." Maybe he would get the hint and chill.

The other friend asked me if I thought Matt was doing drugs, like some heavy-duty speed or something. That might explain a lot. And I did notice he would go to the bathroom a lot while we were watching a movie at his or my house. Was he doing lines of coke or something?

Oh shit, please God, not that! Whatever it was, I was getting super nervous and worked up. I wanted to think he was just your run-of-the-mill "motor mouth" cause I could work with that. But if it was some shit about drugs -- man, I didn't even want to think about that. One of my cousins got into some serious trouble big-time with that crap and that was something I knew I didn't want to deal with. I would definitely not put up with that.

I felt like I had to be honest and just put it on the table and tell Matt what I was feeling. I would see how he responded, and if I needed to I would ask him about whether he was doing drugs. Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? Is this something I'm gonna have to get out of?

So when I finally brought it up to him, he leveled with me. And it was not what I expected. We had a hell of a lot of talking to do after he laid it out.

I'm still thinking about how I'm gonna explain and write about this so I'll be up tonight finishing it and letting Matt read it before it goes up tomorrow. Right now I'm totally exhausted.

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