What really matters

Thank you, Carnell, for sending me this quote. Those of you who know me are already aware that I like to collect different quotes, especially ones that speak to me in a very personal way. The ones I keep going back to always make me think and I often find new angles each time I read them.

When I read this one, it made me think about how I try sometimes to compare myself to other people, especially people who have qualities I like and sometimes find lacking in me.

 

My friend Ivan sometimes points out how I compare myself to others. He says the only person I need to compare myself to is myself. I have my own values, my own standards, my own life goals, my own dreams, and if I compare myself to anyone, it should be myself. Like, how am I measuring up to what I want to do with my life? How am I measuring up to my own goals and values and standards? He says the only thing that really matters is that I do my best in anything I do and not compare myself to where others are.

 

For example, I may not be as smart as this one kid in my class who seems to have the entire Wikipedia programmed in his head and can do these really fast searches on the spot. But I've already proven to myself that I can handle college-level work. I'm no dummy. And it's a waste of time to compare myself with this kid.

 

Another example is that I may not be as socially outgoing as Matty, but I can learn from him if I want to be less shy. Or, I can see my shyness as a strength and something to be proud of. I can keep doing what I'm learning to do, which is to accept and love myself even if I'm a little more withdrawn and quieter than others. It takes all types, right? Plus Matty loves my shyness. He says it's one of the sexiest things about me.

 

So, yes, like the quote says, it doesn't matter how "the world" sees me. It only matters how I and the people in "my world" see me. I feel like I've been making a little progress in accepting myself and being true to who I am. And the people in my world who really matter? Well, all I can say is Thank you.

 

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Growing Strong

Some people already know this about me.

I like to collect different short "sayings" or "quotes" that help remind me of lessons I've learned about life, or lessons I still need to learn.

When Matty got that hate mail recently, we both tried to remember that the person sending it knows nothing about who we really are as people. He thinks he knows who we are, but it's really just something he made up in his mind.

When Matty received the hate mail, this person wasn't able to see that at the time, Matty didn't tell me anything about getting his message of hate. I had been having a really difficult day remembering some of the bad things that happened when I was growing up. Most of those memories were about people who hated themselves and then dumped their hate on me.

This person wasn't able to see the beauty of the man I love holding me while I was crying. He wasn't able to see that Matty made a decision to protect me from his hate while I was feeling vulnerable. There's some real beauty in that. 

And this person hasn't been able to see how sending us his hate has in some unintended way made us stronger.  

I'm still thrown when I realize how some people have lots of ugly things in their head that keep them from seeing the beauty in the world and other people. I'm actually beginning to believe Matty when he tells me there's some real beauty inside me. He tells me he sees it. Right now I can only see little bits of it.

But one thing is certain: I'm getting there. I am growing stronger.

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Getting hate mail and my unexpected reaction

I joined Goodreads back in early 2009, and during the time I've been a member there, I've never received any hate mail from anyone on that site. That is, until this weekend.

I guess there's a first time for everything.

On Saturday night I got a PM from a Goodreads Librarian I'd never heard of. He told me he had read the four little short stories I posted on my profile page. 

Actually they're just brief first-person accounts of my first kiss, my friendship with a straight buddy, when I got bullied and beaten up in high school because I was gay, and a little something about one time Brad and I held hands walking in the mall.

I wrote each of these little accounts back in the Fall of 2010 before Brad and I even decided to start our blog. To be honest, I wrote them just to see if I had any writing ability and also because I thought some people might enjoy reading them. It never occurred to me they might inspire anyone to spew hatred and direct it towards me. I swear I didn't write those little brief accounts to be provocative.

I don't want to reprint the entire message from this Goodreads Librarian because the whole thing was so awful. In part, this is some of what he wrote:

	Your stories sicken me. Faggots like you are a blister on the face of this Earth...Go to Hell!

Like I said, there was more to it and I just printed the "milder" part.

I flagged the message, blocked this Goodreads Librarian, changed my settings so only friends could send me messages, and sent Goodreads a formal complaint. I told them this piece of hate mail was very upsetting to me and because the entire message made me feel as if a serious threat was being made, I feared for my safety. I let them know I was considering contacting an attorney as well as law enforcement. I have yet to receive anything back from Goodreads about one of their Librarians.

My reaction to getting this message really surprised me. I've been called a "faggot" before and I'm sure I'll hear it again. It's just a fact of life if you're gay and out. You're going to run into people who want to hurt you.

When somebody calls me that to my face, of course I go into defensive mode. I look around and very quickly size up the situation to see if I'm about to be attacked. I need to know whether to get ready to fight, to run the hell away, or to just smile and say, "Hi cutie. I can't believe that ugly word just came out of a pretty boy like you."

When somebody sends me something like the message I got from this Goodreads Librarian, all I can size up are the words and the name and avatar of the sender. This Goodreads Librarian has his profile setting on "Private" so I can't get more information on who he is. There was, however, a polite link I could click if I would like to add him as my friend. I politely declined and moved on.

When I first read the message, it was right in the middle of spending some time caring for Bradley. He had a very rough time emotionally this weekend and I was talking to him and reassuring him about some upsetting things he was feeling and going through.

It was hard to go from holding him, being with him while he cried, hearing about his pain, to getting a message from someone spewing his hate all over me, calling me a faggot, and wishing I would go to hell. And feeling my safety was threatened.

I didn't want to get distracted from the most important thing I was doing right then, which was helping my sweet one, so I just forwarded the message to some friends. I wanted to be there for Bradley as fully as I could and I wanted this out of my brain as much as possible. I knew I would deal with it later, but right then I didn't want to leave Bradley alone.

When I forwarded the hate mail to my friends, my entire message to them was, "I'm not a bad person."

That was the immediate, unexpected reaction I had to this awful mail. "I'm not a bad person."

The next day I had to give a lot of thought to why I had that reaction. Where did that come from?

I fully understand that I can deal better with being attacked verbally and emotionally and to some extent physically, if I know who's attacking me. I can see them with my eyes and mentally size up the situation to try and protect myself from being hurt.

But to be threatened by someone I can't see, who's hiding in the shadows, who might have been "watching" me for some time just waiting to attack me... I don't have any problem saying that scares me.

But where did, "I'm not a bad person" come from? Why did that hate mail make me say that one sentence?

If you ask me, I don't think I'm a bad person. Not at my core. I'm not perfect by a long shot and I screw up sometimes. When I say something impulsively I have to apologize and be man enough to take responsibility. And I take pride in knowng I learn from my mistakes and become a better man, someone I can live with and someone people trust and respect. But I swear to God I never set out to try and make somebody feel bad, or hurt them. I try to do the right thing, but sometimes I still make mistakes.

I would never, ever tell somebody their "stories sicken me," or call them a "faggot," or say they "are a blister on the face of the earth." I don't understand what goes on in the mind of somebody like that. And to be honest? I'm not sure I ever want to understand it. I can only handle a certain amount of human evil before it destroys me.

So, getting back to why I wrote this post. I've been thinking about it and I still can't answer the question I have for myself. Why was my reaction to the hate thrown at me, "I'm not a bad person"?

I'm going to keep thinking about it because my reaction totally surprised me. I think it's a question I have to find the answer to.

As much as I wish I hadn't gotten that hate thrown on me, maybe I can learn more about myself because of it. Who knows, maybe somewhere deep inside me I believe some of the things this Goodreads Librarian said about me. If I do, I've got some work to do.

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I remember when...

One of the things my counselor does to get me to think about how my past has helped shaped me, is to ask, "Brad, when was the first time you remember..."

Lately I've been spending too much time remembering the bad things. I'm not saying that's wrong. He pointed out that we remember the bad things because they often don't fit with how we think things should be, or want to be. The bad things throw us off balance, give us a shock, make us scared or angry or disapointed.

In my last session he pulled a fast one on me. Something I wasn't expecting. And even though it wasn't one of the "bad things" I just mentioned, it still threw me off balance.

We were talking about my self-esteem and my self-confidence and how both those things are a lot lower than I want. He asked me, "What are some of your first memories of good things that have happened to you that helped you feel better about yourself?"

Pretty simple question, huh? Usually when he asks me questions about something, I can come up with a quick answer without too much trouble. I didn't have a ready answer for him on this question.

I both hate and love these kind of questions. Questions I don't have a ready answer for.

I hate them because I think they makes me look stupid. Like I don't take life seriously. Like I'm not on top of things. I start thinking maybe he's asking a trick question that his other clients answer without any problem. And I'm only going to come out of this looking immature and stupid.

Then I also love these kind of questions because they makes me think about things I don't usually think about. Once I get over feeling stupid and immature, I can usually come up with something interesting. Something that sheds light on why I am the way I am. Something that points me in a good direction.

My counselor gave me this as a "homework" assignment: Try to remember at least 10 good things that have happened to me and write a little about those times. Even though he calls this "homework" (which is something you get graded on), I've been having some fun with this.

I'm suppose to picture myself in those situations and remember what was happening, what I was thinking, what I was feeling.

I'm bringing this assignment with me when I meet with him on Friday. Ten good things that have happened to me. I thought I'd share the first one with you:

I remember when my mom would read books to me when I was little. I don't know how old I was the very first time she started this, but I remember sitting in her lap or snuggled up next to her with this really big picture book and she would start telling me a story about what was happening.

I remember thinking she was very smart because she could come up with a story that always matched the pictures! I must have been really little because I honestly don't remember seeing the words she was reading.

There are probably many reasons why this memory has stayed with me. When I think about it now, I feel warm inside because those were times my mom would take me to another world filled with people I had never met before, but felt like I had known forever, or wanted to know forever.

And they were always doing fun and exciting things. Or they were in situations that were scary and unfamiliar and I could hear my mom tell me how they got to their happy ending.

This is one of the reasons I always felt safe with my mom. She was always there with me in these worlds she would take me to. I knew nothing bad would happen to me with her snuggling beside me. I also knew she would return me back to my familiar world all safe and sound.

I know my counselor is going to ask me how this memory has shaped me (I'm on to his methods and techniques by this time!).

I think I learned that I can go to unfamiliar places, sometimes happy ones and sometimes scary ones, and come out unscathed. But it's always better to have someone with you (either real or in your memory) in case you are scathed. Someone who can help you understand the story you're in when you get stuck or scared or unsure what to do. Someone you can trust.

I honestly don't know what I'd be like without this memory of my mom reading to me. I'm so glad I don't have to know that.

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Steering a Horse & Other Lessons in Gay Dating

Matt and I were looking back over some of the comments you guys left on the post before this one and it got us to thinking some about how young gay guys get comfortable with their new identity as "gay" when they decide to come out. And also how they figure out if "dating" another guy is similar to a guy dating a girl.

If you haven't read about our next door neighbor, Jake, you might want to scroll down to get some background. Also, check out the comments people left to see why we started thinking about all this.

We talked to Jake last night and he told us Brady invited him to go riding horses this weekend. Brady's grandfather lives a little ways outside Boston and has some horses that Brady helps take care of and ride.

Jake came over to talk to us about this bit of news and said he told Brady he'd love to. He asked us if this might be considered their "first date." Can you tell Jake is all excited and also a bit nervous?

Jake's never been on a date before, either with a girl or another guy, so this whole thing is completely new to him. Neither Matt nor I have ever dated girls but we feel pretty sure there are some things very much in common. You know, that initial excitement (on the one hand) and nervousness (on the other) when you ask another person out on a date for the first time in your life. 

Oh, and also that same excitement and nervousness when you've been asked out for the very first date in your life. I'm pretty sure all of this excitement and nervousness is similar whether you're gay, straight, bi, or trans.

So we told Jake that in our very extensive and wise life experience, he was most definitely asked out on a date by Brady. It was beyond cute and adorable when he sorta relaxed, let out a sigh, got just a small hint of a smile, and simply said in a quiet, shy voice, "Cool." 

Well, Jake told us he's never been on a horse before and is all nervous he's going to look like a dork. He said he was doing some research on it and found some vids on YouTube that show you how to get on the horse's back and how to hold the reins and how to "steer" it! Oh man, it was so cute to listen to him talk about it. We held in a grin when he talked about "steering" the horse! Such a city boy!

But we also got to thinking later about what some of you were talking about in the comments in the last post. That whole thing about being there for someone who just came out and is new to this identity. About being a "Big Brother" (or "mentor") to someone and helping them feel more comfortable to ask questions they might have about dating another guy, or other stuff that might be on their mind.

When Matt and I were Jake's age (he's in high school), there were always many opportunities to get a sense of how to connect and relate to girls. You got to actually see it happen all around you every day. And I don't know about girls, but guys love talking about their love interests. Some of it is silly and some of it is a little more serious, so we got a pretty good idea about how straight guys thought about dating, love, sex, friendship, etc., with girls.

In addition to all that, all you have to do is turn on TV and see it being played out there also. Oh, and you were always being asked by different family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) if you had a girlfriend. You could tell it was something they really wanted to hear about, so there was lots of encouragement and support for that.

But... where, and how, do young gay guys like Jake learn about dating another guy? It's not something you see happening in school and it's not something you see other teen guys doing on TV. It may sound silly, but if you're a guy, where do you learn how to flirt with another guy? Do you approach a guy differently from how you might approach a girl you're interested in?

If you were the parent or friend of a gay high school teen and he asked you these questions, how would you answer him?

And how do you go about accepting and loving yourself so you don't have to pretend you're something you're not? And how do you deal with people's hatred and disgust of you? Who do you talk to about all this where you won't be judged or made fun of or told you're sick for having these feelings? Where you'll get the support and encouragement you need to feel good about yourself?

I don't think hearing Jake talk about watching a YouTube vid about how to get on a horse or how to steer the animal is anything to laugh at, even though it was more humorous in a cute way. And I don't think doing something like that is different for straight guys or straight girls. That's just about being nervous you might look like a dork in front of the very first person you've ever dated.

So we'll be there for Jake as he gets ready for his very first date, and we'll be there for him after the date. I guess it's really all about finding ways to care about each other. And be there for each other. And support each other.

If Jake was at least 18, we would probably see if he wanted to write a post for us on how to "steer" a horse in case other young gay guys out there get invited to go horse-riding as their very first date ever. I'm sure there would be a lot of important stuff in it, as well as being a lot of fun to read.

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Growing Up

I have a lot of growing up to do and it's a lot harder than I ever thought.

I want to share something that happened this past weekend that was really hard for me to go through while it was happening and is still hard even after everything got all worked out.

Just so you know, Matty saw this post before I put it here and completely supports me in posting it. We made an agreement before we ever started this blog that we would never use the space here to publicly agrue. 

We thought it might be a good idea to share a little of what happened because we're both learning that relationships can get really complicated sometimes and you can't always see what you need to do without the help of friends and people who care enough to be very honest with you.

I'll give a summary of what led up to the problem and then talk about how we worked things out.

Last week Matty had some negative feelings about something that happened between him and a friend of his. He got really worked up about the whole thing and within the span of just a few minutes had decided he never wanted to have anything to do with this friend again. He started saying all kinds of mean and unfair things about this friend -- but not to this friend. He was saying all this to me and a couple of other friends of ours. By the way, we're all friends with this person Matty was so angry at.

Nothing anybody said to Matty about how he was handling this was getting through to him. Everybody was telling Matty he should talk to the friend about what was bothering him and try to work things out. Matty kept getting more and more mad and said some really nasty things about the friend. It was really hard for all of us to be around because he was getting more and more worked up and couldn't see how talking to his friend would help. He just kept saying all these harsh things about his (and our) friend and wouldn't let any of us help him think about what he could do.

After a while he eventually calmed down and contacted his friend and within about five minutes everything was worked out. It had all been a misunderstanding on Matty's part and they're good friends again.

Matty then apologized to me and the other friends he had been talking to for saying all the harsh things he did and making all of us get really upset with him. You could tell the apology was real and genuine. Matty was upset with himself for being so unfair to the friend and was also upset with himself for involving all of us and being so self-centered (his words) that he was taking his feelings out on us.

Well, in addition to feeling good that Matty and his/our friend were okay again, we all accepted his apology, not that he was mad at the friend because that happens sometimes, but that he was taking his feelings out on us and pushing us away while we were truly trying to help.

After he apologized and I (thought) accepted it, I didn't realize at the time that I was still feeling really upset with him. To be completely honest, I had this worry that maybe he didn't really learn anything and it might happen again and the apology was just empty words.

I didn't tell him this because at the time I didn't realize I was still doubting his apology. All I knew was that I was still skeptical of his apology and thought I had to keep some kind of "punishment" going because -- and this is hard to admit -- I sorta felt like I couldn't trust his apology. I kept my distance from him and sorta started this cold war.

Later the next day he was joking around with me and just being his usual silly self. He's actually a lot of fun to be around when he's feeling happy and enjoying being with me. Sometime he likes to pick on me, all in a playful and fun way, and we go back and forth with these really silly jabs and usually end up feeling super close to each other. What Matty didn't know was that I had this "secret cold war" still going on inside of me.

At one point I asked him to stop all his kidding around because I was getting irritated with it, but he thought I was just being playful and kept on and on and on, trying to get me in a better mood. When he wouldn't stop and I had enough, I snapped at him and it sorta startled and confused him. He could tell I was serious and, since he didn't know there was this cold war going on, he snapped back at me. Since we're being honest here, I called him an asshole and he snapped back and said I was being the asshole.

Well, the cold war then became a hot war and I stormed out of the house, got in my car and called my sister. My sister and I have always been really close and I can tell her anything and know she'll listen to me, take me seriously, and be totally honest with me.

I told my sister everything that happened over the past few days including how Matty handled the friend situation, including the fact that he apologized for how he had taken out his feelings on me and the other friends who were only trying to help him out.

I told her I didn't know if Matty would go back to his old ways and do it all over again and I had to keep on him and not cut him any slack because I maybe didn't trust his apology.

Eventually my sister said something like, "You make Matty sound like he's our dad." You see, my dad use to make all these screwups when we were growing up and then he'd apologize and we'd believe him and then he'd start drinking again and being a real asshole. It got to where nobody believed him anymore and we all ended up really hurt and didn't trust his apologies anymore. My sister pointed out that when somebody close to me screws up and then apologizes, I have a hard time believing them.

The other thing I realized was that when Matty gets going with all his kidding around, most of the time he's really fun to be around. He's got a wicked sense on humor and most of the time we have a ball joking back and forth. Then sometimes I start loosing my patience with it and ask him to cut it out. I guess he thinks I'm just kidding and he keeps on with the joking while I'm getting more and more annoyed until I finally snap at him.

I know a lot of it has to do with his ADHD. Up to now I've been putting it all on him to control that. The medication he takes helps a lot, but sometimes he can get really, really hyper and I don't know what to do to make him chill. So, I snap at him. Guess what that does? It only makes it worse and I end up really pissed off at him and he ends up confused and pissed off because he thought he was just being funny.

Two really close friends of mine pointed out to me that this is something Matty was born with it and it's a part of him and if we're in this relationship "in sickness and in health," then I can't just put everything on him to "fix" or "control" his brain and how it works. They said I should have a serious talk with him about it and see if we can't figure out I can help him with it. For example, when I'm getting aggravated and annoyed and irritated, maybe we could work out a signal I could give Matty so he knows I'm not playing around anymore and for him to see if he could take a one minute chill.

So, two big lessons came out of all this for me:

One is to not take out my feelings about my dad on Matty. When Matty does something that makes me mad, like lash out at me when he's really mad with someone else, and then realizes what he did and apologize for it, I have to give him the chance to show he means the apology and not automatically assume he's like my dad and can't be trusted.

The second lesson is about the ADHD. I have to realize that since we're in this relationship together, I have a part to play in helping him understand how it affects me and we both have a part in finding some ways to deal with it when it becomes a problem. That's what being together "in sickness and in health" means to me. You can even change those words to mean, "during problems and good times." It's all the same to me.

So, yeah, like I said at the beginning, growing up is a lot harder and more complicated than I ever thought. I have to trust more (which can be scary because of all that stuff with my dad) and I have to see our relationship as a "partnership" where we work together when we're having problems.

Oh, and the other really, really big thing I learned has to do with how important it is to have true friends in your life. Friends who care about you and aren't afraid to tell you the truth and point out things you don't see. It might strain the friendship because they might be mad at you for being unfair to the person you love, but if friends can't be honest with each other when they care about you, then I guess they're not really friends at all. I'm glad I have some true friends in my life who care about me (and Matty) and help us while we're trying to grow up.

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The New Love Birds

Well, it looks like Brad and I can officially claim the title of "Matchmaker."

If you remember from our post a few days ago, we invited two of our friends to spend Thanksgiving Day with us. My friend, Mark, and Brad's friend, John, are now what my brother would call, "a hot ticket."

They had never met before but we thought they might hit it off, and boy is that an understatement!

My friend, Mark, has been about as happy as I've ever seen him in a long time. He's been calling me, texting me, emailing me, and I'm expecting to see one of those carrier pigeons with a note from him arrive at the front door any moment.

I'm really happy to see how happy he is. He's had some very difficult things to deal with in his life, beginning with being kicked out of his home when he was 16 after telling his parents he was gay.

He's also dated a few guys in the past who treated him badly and is understandably careful about how much he opens himself up to people. We've both been telling him to just take his time and not rush anything, which is always good advice to give, especially when you're first starting to date someone new. But, because you're all excited, it's not always easy advice to follow.

The guy he's dating, John, went to high school with Brad and I met him for the first time about a year ago. He's really sweet and a little shy and the first time I met him he was so nervous I wouldn't like him. He and Brad really understand each other in a lot of ways and have always been the tightest of friends.

Both of John's parents are heavy drinkers and there was a lot of chaos going on at home. He and Brad have always been so supportive of each other since Brad's father was a heavy drinker until about a year and a half ago. From what Brad has told me, when you grow up in that kind of situation at home, it makes you have second thoughts about being open and trusting with other people. We haven't written anything here in the blog about how that's affected our relationship, but Brad's thinking about sharing some of that at some point.

Anyway, all this has made Brad and I think a lot about how important family is. We're all born into a family of some sort, and if you're lucky that family accepts you and loves you and cares about you. No family is perfect, but you always hope there's enough maturity on the parent's part to know how to handle the problems. If that maturity is not there, at some point it's important to find people in your life who you can trust and maybe make your "chosen family."

It feels good to us to see both Mark and John so happy. It's been less than a week since they first met each other but it reminds the two of us how excited and nervous we were during that first week after we met.

It also makes us feel good that both Mark and John trust us enough to talk about their feelings, ask our advice, and want our support. It's an awesome responsibility to be someone's "chosen family," and we feel like ours has just expanded.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I just saw that carrier pigeon fly by the window. It probably has a note from Mark and I need to see what's up. Talk to you guys later. Have a nice day.

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Stepping Up

Before I left for classes this morning (I'm in the library now) I went over to Goodreads to check messages and see what was happening.

There's one person over there I had a little chat with yesterday and I went to her profile page today just to see what books she's reading. I was just planning to spend maybe 2 or 3 minutes there and then log-off and head to campus. Well, I scrolled down a little to where she had posted some of her favorite quotes and read the one I'm going to share with all of you today. Before I even got to the end of the quote, I started getting a lump in my throat. Then I started getting that feeling you always have right before you start crying (you know that feeling I'm talking about, right?). Then I got to the end and just lost it. I started bawling. Not out-of-control bawling, but really crying hard. 

After I got it together, I put just a little comment after the quote saying how I felt like it really spoke to me big-time. It was like somebody put into words something that gave me a boost and courage to "step up" when I face hard things in my life.

And I have been doing a lot of hard things lately. Things that haven't been easy for me. Like apologizing for things I've done wrong. Like quitting my job. Like starting college. Like trying to take some more steps toward adulthood. Like trying to be all I can to the man I love.

I have to keep remembering that I'm nineteen years old. Sometimes think I have myself all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I think I have other people all figured out. Yeah right. 

Sometimes I think I have groups of people all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I think I have the world all figured out. Yeah right.

Sometimes I put more stock in appearances and you would think silly things like how my hair looks really matter in the whole scheme of things. Or whether my clothes are "cool" enough and people are going to like me because of my outward appearance.

Then when I face the real things in life, the hard things, I realize all those outward things don't count for crap. I'm learning that the real things in life are usually hard. And it takes a lot of courage and support when those things happen. But the hard things can be done. It's just that sometimes I have to learn the hard things the hard way.

The quote is from a novel by Ben Monopoli called, The Painting of Porcupine City. I haven't read the book (yet) so I can't put the quote in context. Until I read the book, it's just going to have to suffice that it's a quote "in abstract" that means a lot to me right now. Anyway, I'll be rereading it throughout the day so maybe it will sink in this hard scull of mine:

"It's not about who you sleep with, or whether you know about sports or tools or have a pearl-wearing wife or whether commercials make you cry. [...] it's about whether you step up. When something hard comes along. A man steps up. He doesn't dodge it or run away from it or try to push it onto someone else. He steps up. Even if it isn't his responsibility. And that's why there are so many guys and so few men. Because stepping up is hard."
— Ben Monopoli (The Painting of Porcupine City: A Novel)

Thank you, Mr. Monopoli.

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Toto, I've a Feeling We're Not in Kansas {or high school} Any More

First of all, I'm sitting here so glad I put up the post yesterday about my 2 day personal nuclear meltdown. Every single person who put up a comment, and some several times (*insert big smiley face here*), helped extinguish the fall-out contamination and the world is a safer place now! One thing I've learned is, to paraphrase Dorothy, "We're not in high school any more!" 

I sent someone a message (thanks, Kat for listening) when I got home yesterday. Here's what I said (making just a fee edits because it really is something I want to say to everyone):

"I just got home from class and everything was total smoothness this afternoon. I totally freak out sometimes like this morning and it really did help to write out what I was feeling. Then I get home and Brad is waiting for me and he's dying to show me what everybody wrote on our blog today. I swear you don't know how helpful is was to read what everyone wrote! The best part is knowing that nobody judged me as a fuck-up. I like it when people care enough to be direct and honest and genuine. Now, Brad is taking me out to dinner and promised to sleep over tonight. It's such a great feeling to feel loved, cared for and not judged."

My afternoon class went really well. It's was in a huge hall in one of those amphitheatre-type rooms. I was sitting next to this girl and the prof was going over the syllabus and the reading list, trying to make the case that we're going to cover the history of literature and art from ancient Greece to the 19th century! The girl next to me just muttered under her breath, "Good God!" I looked over to her and she turned her head to me and had these huge bug-eyes. I just gave her my own raised eyebrows and whispered, "No way are we gonna cover all that." She just smiled and shook her head in disbelief at what the prof was saying.

When class was over I introduced myself and she did too. She then chuckled and said, "This is nothing like high school." I said, "That's the most accurate thing I've heard all day." We both laughed and I said, kinda without thinking, "Maybe we could sit together for mutual support next week." Then I was thinking to myself what a dumb thing to say. I mean, how dorky. Or even did she think I was making a pass at her or something. She was nice though and smiled and said, "Yeah, this is all pretty overwhelming." So guess what? We made plans to meet at one of the entrance doors next week and go in together and find seats together!

Pretty cool, huh? Already made one friend who feels like I do, which is something I wasn't expecting. Maybe this is not going to be so bad after all. So, after all the support I got in here yesterday and from Brad and then maybe making my first friend in college, I suppose I can't say I'm a fuck-up or anything like that. All I can say for sure is that I was (and still am) nervous about the whole thing. I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).

I have two classes this afternoon and (wonder of wonders) I'm not freaking out. Yeah, I'm feeling nervous. But I have the campus map and know right where these classes are, so I'm ready to go. I'm almost even afraid to say this out loud 'cause it might jinx it, but I think I'm also feeling a little (just a little) excited today. Can you believe it?

The other little bit of good news is that the one class Brad is taking is also this afternoon. For some reason, just knowing he's going to be on campus at the same time as me feels comforting. My first class gets out at 2:00 and then I have a break until 4:00 when my next class meets. His class starts at 4:00 so we're going to meet at 2:30 and spend time together! How totally cool is that?

He said last night he was also feeling nervous and was asking me all these questions. I got really playful with him telling him stuff like, "Hey, there's nothing to it. Been there, done that. It's a piece of cake. Just stick with me. You'll be fine." He had this totally cute and sweet giggle-sound I had never heard from him before. He just looked at me and said, "God, what am I going to do with you?" I said, "Well, I have some ideas for tonight after we get home." Then he had a different giggle, one that was more sexy. Just the kind of giggle I wanted to hear!

It's still raining and very dreary in Boston today. Normally that kind of thing puts me in a down mood, but that's not what I'm feeling right now. Dreary sky. Rain. And I'm on some kind of high. Or maybe I'm just feeling normal again. Or content. Or happy. But I think the right word I'm looking for is really "hopeful," and all the feelings that go with that word.

Oh, and I told Brad that if it's still raining tonight (which it's suppose to) maybe we could do what we did when we were down in Rhode Island a few weeks back (you can read about it here, in case you missed it). Dancing in the rain. So romantic.

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Odds, Ends and New Beginnings

I just wanted to pop in for a sec and let everybody know we're going to be resuming things here on a more regular basis this week.

There's still a lot going on, especially with Matt starting college this week (YAY!). Then, to add stress on top of stress (good stress, though) we're beginning the whole process of packing things and getting ready to move in together the first of October. Since Matt's going to school full-time, I'm going to be in charge of a lot for a while, like getting all the utilities in our name, arranging for cable, getting our address changed on everything, and on and on and on. It's a lot, but I've got more time than him right now to do all this and I'm really, really looking forward to this new phase of our relationship.

Also, until he gets his feet on the ground in college, I'll probably be posting here more than him, at least for a while. With all his attention problems, I've anointed myself "Boss Bradley." But you can just call me Boss, which is what Matty is doing!

So, the title of this post is Odds, Ends and New Beginnings. The "odd" part of the title refers to some of the "odd" things that have been going on lately. I looked up the word "odd" in Wiktionary and it said "The original meaning is 'left over'." So, I want to write some about what's been happening since we recently took a break from the blog... the "left over" stuff.

The "End" part refers to some of the things that are coming to an end. We're going through huge changes right now and that means some things we're use to are coming to an end. We want to write some about how we're dealing with those endings.

Then "New Beginnings" refers to how we're thinking about our future together and all the new stuff that's happening.

So, the other thing we want to say is a HUGE thank you for all your encouraging and supportive messages while we've been on a break from the blog. We've truly missed you guys and apologize for not responding to all the private messages and emails we've gotten. We hope to be back on track with some normality soon.

Anyway, we're glad to be back. Thanks for bearing with us.

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Thanks Everybody

Just wanted to put up a short post to thank everybody for all your kind words on Monday's post.



Matt starts college next week and that ordeal is more time consuming that you would think!



We've also been going through a lot of stress lately and just need time to work some things out, but we're getting there.



We're going to take the rest of the week off from the blog and concentrate on talking through some issues that need to be dealt with. We're okay and know we'll come out on the other end in a much better place.



All your support means a lot to us, just knowing you're there.

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Thank You From My Heart ♥

I wish I could respond personally to everybody who wrote something to me about running into that guy I was writing about earlier this week.

I just want you, each one of you, to know that I've read and reread everything you've written. In addition to Brad's and my friend's support, all of you helped me sort through everything I did and was feeling. I feel in a much better place with it all now.

I really do feel like something good is going to come out of all this. I still have some anger inside about what that guy did, but confronting him somehow seemed to help. I'm in a much better place with it now.

You support means more to me than you will ever know. I love all of you and send you back the love, concern and support you've given me. ♥

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