Addict

Today a friend that I had confessed all this to helped me realize that I'm an addict. The ego is an addict. It was a humbling, painful and embarrassing realization.

I quit smoking earlier this year, and I realize all I did in one sense, was to transfer my addiction into my crush on A, rather than the cigarettes. I wasn't cured when I quit. I just found another secretive thing to give me guilty pleasure, as I feel that lack in myself somehow.

So, I am going cold turkey. No more unnecessary emails to A, no more Facebook wall posts, no more subtle pursuits, (which probably were never as subtle as I'd like to think). I have to just face 2 things. An addict is always drawn to what will destroy her.
And if A was interested, I should rightfully conclude that after almost 2 months, something would have happened by now. I would know, at the very least, if he was attracted to me. I don't. Ouch. In reality, that only says one thing, doesn't it?
Saturday's lunch suggestion hasn't been followed up on.

I have an arrogant streak, (the flip side is my insecurity), as I'm reasonably attractive, and don't have a lot of trouble attracting attention, and I think I assumed he would be attracted to me.

I don't know how successful I will be at my cold-turkey attempt, like most addicts, dignity isn't up there on the list of what I care about at the moment. But, I will do my best. And still probably be looking out, in case I run into him at the grocery store.

I can also feel my bargaining with God. There is a hope there that if I confess, and surrender, let go, that somehow there will be some reward for my effort, and magically, the Universe will reciprocate, and dump him in my lap. I have to let that go, too.

I have to have integrity about what I ultimately know to be the case. Spiritual life demands ultimate and unrelenting sacrifices of us, maybe even as much as deleting all those emails.

Please, just say a prayer tonight for all the heartbroken, that their hearts may heal. We need it.

I need to demonstrate a little love to my husband, remind him, in feeling at least, that in another few months I will have forgotten A, and when I remember, will just be deeply grateful to still have my home and wonderful husband.