Letter

Here is an email I didn't have the courage to send to A, which is probably a good thing. I did send it to his sister to read though.

I post it here, as I feel it is important to understand, that we are all here, doing our thing, as egos, waiting to be loved. I for one, have always been attracted to guys that for whatever reason, aren't available to give me the love I feel I need. So finding that A does actually feel that love, even if only in that one moment, was enough of a shock to break through the activity of ego, and take my heart to another place.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty.
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You know, don’t you, that I have been feeling very attracted to you for the last while? I’m sure that’s not a surprise. Your sister knows all about it. Anyway, I wanted to share that over the weekend, something amazing happened.

It’s always been said that women are afraid of being penetrated, and I never understood what that meant before. Anyway, I got to find out what that really means. It means being penetrated in the heart, allowing ourselves to feel penetrated by love.

Something about this process I’m in at the moment, being around Friend, who is on fire with Love, and the emotional play around feeling so attracted to you, and the dilemma with husband, etc, all sort of allowed me through the intensity of it, to open up, at the weekend, and really feel that perhaps I am loved, and don’t have to seek it. It was the moment when you told me you’d be there for me, it took a few days, but yesterday I realized that I have the love I need, I really felt the sincerity you said that with, and now I can let go of that childish feeling of not having enough, not being loved, as it has always already been there all along.

All my life, I have never allowed myself to feel I was loved, despite obvious signs to the contrary, which is the basis of ego. Well, I dropped that, and now I know that love has been there all along, and it was me who wasn’t available for it, not the other way around.

So this is a happy, need-free email, and a deeply heart-felt and bliss-full thank you. May the love between us, whatever it ends up looking like, friends, lovers, no matter, only deepen… I want you to know that I am available to you as love, given freely, not as need, or seeking to be loved.