Monday at 10.30 A came by, took us over to Sister's boat. The engine wouldn't start, after a season in the dock, so we went to hers for our lunch in the garden, drank a few beers, and hung out. It was magical.
A took us both home before dinner, and we managed to squeeze in a walk around the lake near my house for an hour alone together. We had invited some other friends around to watch a movie, so A stayed for that, too, and left about 9.30.
I found it hard to end our weekend, and I notice A was more than happy to spend as much time as he could with us (me?), and didn't seem to want to leave either, it was lovely. Both days kept on extending themselves somehow into late evening, with excuses being found to prolong our time together.
Sister said she thought husband had noticed mine and A's glances, and Monday night, husband came up to see me, and said that he was willing to let me go, whether next month if he had to, or in 40 years, but that he recognized that he couldn't hang on to me, and for the sake of both our liberation, would have to let me go sooner or later.
I was heartbroken by that, and by Sister's email about her observations. Yesterday was a sad day, (and terrifying, if I'm honest), as I contemplated that I might well lose husband in this process. It all became very real suddenly.
But, I cannot stop thinking about A, feeling all the love for him that I fell into all the more deeply this weekend, even now, with all that sadness on my heart.
Friend I spent some time with on the phone yesterday, on my lunch break, in a crisis of feeling, and he said it would be so bad for me to get into another relationship right now. I would just repeat my mistakes, make it all conventional all over again, and wind up in this same place, a year, 5 years, down the line.
I have to learn something different. Friend is a wise man. I cannot get into the same old shit, the same conventions of relatedness, the same need and seeking for consolations, that I have suffered my entire life. Time to grow up, but where do I start?
(And how do I fit in my own need, as Friend put it recently, for a good, hard, regular fucking? That will be another post, when I have an answer. Interesting side note, I was masturbating last night, feeling fully charged by all this time alone with A, the afternoon lying next to him on a blanket on the beach, where I just wanted to jump him!! God knows how I didn't. It was pretty intense. I had my first ever multiple orgasm. I could not stop coming, for what seemed like several minutes. I really had only ever thought of them as a myth, before now, and envied all those accounts of them.)
Growing up? By becoming responsible for love, for loving first, rather than waiting for it to be there for me. In Love, what else matters? I am starting to feel the difference between childish want and need, and Love. A is opening my heart, for real, and it's quite beautiful.
I really might not get what I want, and that's ok. I have all I need, if I can feel that Love as genuine, no matter what I get back.
I'm starting to see, that is the real lesson in my current situation.
Be alive as Love only.
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