Where the HELL do I start?
A feels the same way I do.
Maybe not to the same degree of obsessive behaviour and craziness, but.. I'll take it.
We had a wonderful, sweet, loving, sexy chat on the phone last night. I found something out about my psychic powers, I can give my lover a gigantic hard on, (how gigantic? I want exact measurements...) when he's over 2,400 miles away. Seriously, there was one night when he was away down south recently, geographically speaking, that I sent him some Reiki. I just happened to also be feeling extremely turned on at the time, too, and experimented a little with seeing if I could transmit that energy. A little 'off' perhaps, in some ethics textbook somewhere, I'm sure, but.. It worked! He said he was lying in bed falling asleep, and felt this blast of energy literally hit him below the belt, and give him a huge hard on. And he somehow just 'knew' it was me. And he enjoyed it.. :D Hmm. Astral lovers... How perfectly dirty and kinky for 2 freaks like us. I will be experimenting...
And now for something more serious...
Because of my need for clarity, and the process I'm in with Husband, A and I decided, agonisingly, to stop seeing each other for the immediate period of time, in the flesh, at least. What a heartbreak.
To feel that all on one day, that all this time, A has indeed felt like I do, and that that love (and lust) was there all along, and then to have it suddenly stop short, in the living of it.
But, being as we're both far too fucking conscientious for our own goods, we decided that now, we couldn't trust each other not to rip our clothes off and engage in total carnal knowledge... Hmm..
Which would be total fun, and totally needed right now, except for the emotional devastation it would leave in it's wake.
So, for now... But that doesn't stop me fucking him, if 2,400 miles doesn't... ~We only live about 4 miles apart. :-)
I told Husband. Not everything, obviously, but more than enough. The shit hit the fan. I don't even know why, it probably wasn't even necessary.. A sadistic/masochistic act of the wrong kind, where instead of pleasantly bruised bottoms, we ended up with badly damaged hearts and egos.
We have agreed to stay together, and try to fix things, for now, at least until Friend comes up to stay this summer, and helps us through things. I don't know, maybe it is fixable.. I can't allow myself to rule that out just yet either.
Friend will provide the necessary circumstances and advice, I know for sure... I think we're really just deluding ourselves if we think this will all work out, but for now, let's at least do some damage control, hey? And live some kind of reasonable life together, until then.
I do love him. And that's what has been so hard about all this. It's not like we don't get on, or like our lives together are hell, it's not like that. Until I met A, I would genuinely have said that everything was good. I don't want to leave him. But, things are realistically, just not going to 'work out', are they? Not now this has all happened. I think we just lived in denial for 9 years, about a lot of things, which we can no longer do.
We are both engaged in such an intensive spiritual process with Friend right now, that I haven't even written the half of, on here, and that is a huge contributing factor in all this, too.
It's about us both breaking out of living the conventional exoteric householder kind of life, and all the burdens that puts on a person, with all the contracts, expectations, etc. It's like A said, marriage isn't a spiritual thing.
And I had a sweet email from A this morning, 'well, if you feel you want to, perhaps we could meet at a restaurant on Friday, for a chat.' Yes, let's. I need that, I think. Let's mend at least 2 of the 3 broken hearts here...
A, just don't sit within 2o feet of me, as I will immediately tear your clothes off and throw you on the table in front of everybody, like the red-blooded woman I am.
And you know it.
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