You're welcome, very welcome. Loving (agape) and serving and being ethical about our relationship is what's required right now. I can't be anything other than what I am.
Thank you for your clarity and openness. I know it took courage. I sensed your attraction for me a while back-you probably felt it returned. Not too long ago, I didn't really know anything about you or Husband or your relationship situation. Only very recently have you shared, and only a little bit. So when you expressed interest in spending time with me alone, and when you asked to join me visiting xxxx Island for a weekend, I felt it was time to talk clearly and openly about these things. From my perspective, those are messages of an interest greater than friendship. Yet, with clarity and openness and mutual understanding, we can do things as friends and nothing 'has to happen.' :-)
I don't feel uncomfortable around you at all. I enjoy our time together--you're a delightful person! And yes, I find you attractive and interesting. I realized/decided quite a while ago that I can only be in a romantic relationship with a woman who is A) actively pursuing spiritual growth, B) not religious and C) at least accepting and understanding of shamanism. There are so few people in my realm like that. You are one of them. And yet, I don't need to be more than friends with you to spend time with you.
It's probably best for us to continue this conversation in person. My life is up in the air too, yet I think things are easier for me since I don't have a significant other. One last thought: it has been my experience that when two people who are fond of each other (and attracted) spend time together, they generally grow more fond and attracted. Something to consider.
See you Friday for talk first, movie second and laughter third. And if we have energy left after all that, well, then we can fuck.
Just kidding. ;-) [Seriously??? He said that... Believe me, that turned me completely inside out last night!!]
A
P.S. Thanks again for being open and honest. It really is the best way to be. :-)))
Friend writes:
Beloved,
I was talking with J last about all the ladies last night and your name came up. Apparently you have been sharing some emails with J regarding your interactions with A. So my question is what is your intention regarding him? The addict always toys with the very thing that will destroy him/her.
You previously mentioned your inability to be intimate with anyone. Well, one question that comes to mind is that Husband continues to be out of the loop on this. You continue to interact with A without just ending it with Husband. This is all about not being intimate.
You need to be clear on what it is you want. You can't say you want God Realization when you really just want to get A. My process with individuals is about transcending patterns. I'm not making a judgement about what you want to do. I am just stating what works and doesn't work via spiritual laws. And I don't want you responding to me as a good girl. Love is not on the line. I will always love you. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions. If you want a relationship with A, do it. Let Robert know ASAP. Before he leaves for his trip. Don't plot behind his back. That is completely out-of-relationship.
So let me know what is really up with you and A and what are your plans. Be straight with Husband and be straight with me. It is so important for your spiritual growth to learn to be straight with everyone. You can't have a secret life.
*****
Yes, I can feel all of this, and it feels terrible and confusing beyond words. And like nothing I didn't get myself into. I guess the thing to do now, is to try to figure out a way to be more honest, more lawful, more open about all of this, and to talk to Husband. ASAP. Friend is right. I am so scared.. It's a lifetime pattern to be fearful, hide what I want, fearful that I will get into trouble, be an addict, liar, secretive, scared, self-protective, out of relationship with those I truly love. And I truly do love all 3 of them.
And I feel like the worse person on earth. They are all so honest and above board, and here I am, lying my ass off...
Damn you A, couldn't we simply just have had some really fantastically hot sex a few times?? Did I have to fall in love with you?? Does all this have to turn into a train-wreck?
Can't I for once get away with something? Being in an intensive spiritual process like I am with Friend, leaves absolutely no room to hide out. I am seeing and feeling the ego like never before. Hopefully this is a sign of the end of it, and the beginning of some kind of Awakening, once you see how fucked up the ego truly is. And I'm seeing that. Feeling like a trapped rat in the corner at the moment, terrified, angry, ashamed, stupid, beating myself up about all this.
All I seem able to do by myself as ego, is fuck things up spectacularly. I need some Divine Intervention.
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