Ouch.. ?

I don't know what to say this morning. I am feeling all stirred up again, after a week of good equilibrium. The last day has been really bad for missing A. Really bad. I really want to see him again, this last few weeks has felt like forfuckingever.

I caved in. I sent him a text this morning, to see if he wanted to come out to play next week. "I'll get back to you on that", was the reply I got. Feeling a little bit "Ouch" about that. Probably for no good reason.
He's been awfully quiet since his trip down south. I am feeling the knife twist a little this morning, and I know I'm the one holding the handle. I know he has a lot of emotional stuff going on in his life at the moment. He has gone into the mancave a little.
Though in the email I got earlier, he did suggest I "expect a big hug next we meet". That was in response to my laying things out a little more unsubtly about my feelings for him. I can feel how my own fear leads to my maybe not sending the clearest signals about that. I am sort of expecting him to be a mind reader. Shit, you're psychic, can't you SEE how I feel?? Uh, apparently not. Fear. All this fear of rejection... And/or consequences. So silly.

Is this an invitation? Did I miss something? "Saturday is Summer Solstice and I don't have anything planned. Got any ideas?" Yes, yes I do, a million, mostly of the very-hot-and-kinky-tie-me-up-sex variety. Sadly, I couldn't respond with a return invitation.

Things with husband are still the same. We are taking a weekend away to be together, we haven't had ANY time alone together in forever, we are making sure we don't, on some level. Manifesting all kinds of other busyness to go do, instead. No doubt it will make a difference, and at least shed more light on what is going on between us. And I confess some resentment about not being able to meet A this weekend.

Ugh, the human ego is disgusting. My ego is so disgusting.

Other than that, things are going well, I have had a very spiritually 'productive' week. My own trip to see Friend, and a meeting with another extraordinary friend yesterday, has left the general equilibrium levels pretty good. My life otherwise, feels very simplified. I made a Big Move in another area of my life yesterday. The ripples in the pond no doubt will affect all areas of my being eventually. Lots of dead wood cut free.

God-damn, this must be the most boring blog ever, if you're not me. Far too much mind.. Not enough sex.