Hhmm.. The ugly issue of respect has surfaced. Husband and I had a call when I was away at the weekend, and it got difficult. He was asking me a question, and I don't know why, but I hedged a little, feeling a bit defensive, and took a moment to answer. He got all snappy with me.
Friend overheard the conversation, and asked did he have any respect for me? So I asked him last night. His immediate answer was that he had come to respect me more over time. Well, I asked for that, I guess. That's not 'Yes, of course, I have always had a deep respect for you', is it? It's a 'I still don't respect you entirely'. And that's ok, it will have to be, until it is washed in the spiritual process by Grace. I'm not ruling out a miracle, but I am being realistic in realizing and understanding what is going on.
Husband has a basic pattern of disrespecting women. That isn't unknown about. Plenty of women he has disrespected over the years have made their feelings known. Not a lot, he isn't a total monster, I don't want to give that impression, he's very lovely, but the basic energy pattern that he falls into by tendency, when pressed, is one of disrespect, and women feel that from him sometimes. He doesn't respect his mother. I think it's really that simple.
I don't respect myself much. I don't want to go into why not, as I'm not sure I understand why not. Other than saying my Dad had no respect for my mother, and she has no self-respect either. So it's probably a learned response. (Just look at how I typed that! Capitalized 'Dad' and not 'mother'! I was going to correct it, but decided to leave it.)
I have of course, attracted a guy who doesn't really respect women all that much either. A perfect match.
Would it be out of the question to ask A about his respect issues with women? I know already that he has a difficult relationship with his mother, she is a fundamentalist Christian, he is a Pagan.
I had a dream last night, I was with my dear friend and mentor B, in his beat-up old VW camper, and we were out collecting firewood. He drove me to meet A in some old abandoned industrial yard, and A was late. We were waiting. B was impatient. I woke up really sad, and wondering if A would ever show up.
B has always been there for me, in all kinds of weather, and has always given me great guidance and shown no judgment. I am so lucky with my friends.
Something new emerged last night on my way home from work. I had the revelation that perhaps I really do actually love A.
I am scared to be in a relationship with him, I realize, and have held back sharing my feelings. Normally I wouldn't do that, I'm not shy, and have been the one to initiate a lot of my previous sexual relationships.
And why? Because I think I can see how far I have to go, to reach a place of being capable of real functional loving relationship, past all the minefield of 'mom and dad', and my early life conditioning.
Always, relationships with men have been about my own neediness and fear. What I can get out of them for myself, not what love can I bring into the relationship. Not very consciously, and I never would have said that if asked, I didn't even really realize that was what was going on. But it has always been there. "How will this guy care for me? What security is there for me? What hole in my heart will this guy fill? What doesn't he provide me with?", when things go wrong. It's all always been about me.
And all this last while, I realize that I don't want that with A. I care about him. I want to know what I can bring to the (potential) relationship. Even if that means not being in a relationship if I'm not mentally healthy enough to do him enough honor. And that's new for me. And it freaks me out.
I don't clearly know why I don't really feel that same thing for husband. I guess I just didn't know any better when we got involved 9 years ago.
Friend overheard the conversation, and asked did he have any respect for me? So I asked him last night. His immediate answer was that he had come to respect me more over time. Well, I asked for that, I guess. That's not 'Yes, of course, I have always had a deep respect for you', is it? It's a 'I still don't respect you entirely'. And that's ok, it will have to be, until it is washed in the spiritual process by Grace. I'm not ruling out a miracle, but I am being realistic in realizing and understanding what is going on.
Husband has a basic pattern of disrespecting women. That isn't unknown about. Plenty of women he has disrespected over the years have made their feelings known. Not a lot, he isn't a total monster, I don't want to give that impression, he's very lovely, but the basic energy pattern that he falls into by tendency, when pressed, is one of disrespect, and women feel that from him sometimes. He doesn't respect his mother. I think it's really that simple.
I don't respect myself much. I don't want to go into why not, as I'm not sure I understand why not. Other than saying my Dad had no respect for my mother, and she has no self-respect either. So it's probably a learned response. (Just look at how I typed that! Capitalized 'Dad' and not 'mother'! I was going to correct it, but decided to leave it.)
I have of course, attracted a guy who doesn't really respect women all that much either. A perfect match.
Would it be out of the question to ask A about his respect issues with women? I know already that he has a difficult relationship with his mother, she is a fundamentalist Christian, he is a Pagan.
I had a dream last night, I was with my dear friend and mentor B, in his beat-up old VW camper, and we were out collecting firewood. He drove me to meet A in some old abandoned industrial yard, and A was late. We were waiting. B was impatient. I woke up really sad, and wondering if A would ever show up.
B has always been there for me, in all kinds of weather, and has always given me great guidance and shown no judgment. I am so lucky with my friends.
Something new emerged last night on my way home from work. I had the revelation that perhaps I really do actually love A.
I am scared to be in a relationship with him, I realize, and have held back sharing my feelings. Normally I wouldn't do that, I'm not shy, and have been the one to initiate a lot of my previous sexual relationships.
And why? Because I think I can see how far I have to go, to reach a place of being capable of real functional loving relationship, past all the minefield of 'mom and dad', and my early life conditioning.
Always, relationships with men have been about my own neediness and fear. What I can get out of them for myself, not what love can I bring into the relationship. Not very consciously, and I never would have said that if asked, I didn't even really realize that was what was going on. But it has always been there. "How will this guy care for me? What security is there for me? What hole in my heart will this guy fill? What doesn't he provide me with?", when things go wrong. It's all always been about me.
And all this last while, I realize that I don't want that with A. I care about him. I want to know what I can bring to the (potential) relationship. Even if that means not being in a relationship if I'm not mentally healthy enough to do him enough honor. And that's new for me. And it freaks me out.
I don't clearly know why I don't really feel that same thing for husband. I guess I just didn't know any better when we got involved 9 years ago.
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