I was so sleepless last night, I had to get up and write A an email, and what came out of me was almost like channeled writing, it flowed, like a gift. I suddenly saw what to say, it was just there, clearly, and almost divinely inspired.
I had spent time that evening, in prayer and meditation about the situation. It really feels like a shame to be given this Tantric gift to share with a lover, and not allow that to be given full chance to be put to work magickally. It's a rare thing!!
We'll see what the result is.
A wrote to me yesterday and stated what had caused the drop-off in sexual attraction to me, and it was so silly, I almost started laughing, if it hadn't been so sad and tragic. He had got all complicated about my liking of a good spanking once in a while. That was all it was. His misunderstanding about my slightly 'sub' side. He was scared he could never fulfill that part of me and inflict pain on me. I'm betting though, just one good playful spanking, and he'd see my response and go crazy...
I also had a powerful insight this morning about my own need to feel overpowered sometimes during sex. Husband is only 5'4" and 10lbs heavier than I am!! A is 6'1" and very muscular and athletic, and that sense of being overpowered occurs naturally with him, so I don't even know if I will have the same needs with him that I had with Husband! The physical dynamic is very, very different. I told A that this morning in another email, too.
Here's the email I wrote, I feel it's worth sharing.
***
I couldn't sleep until I had written you something about all this. It would be silly if it wasn't so sad, that there is such an unnecessary and simple misunderstanding going on here between us! Can we 'reboot' this one and start from a way back when? :-)
One thing, our 'differing' sexual desires aren't really differing, that would be like saying I differ from you if I have an apple as well as the 6 oranges you have. I am not 'different' than you, I just have that extra apple, you might also have a grapefruit somewhere I don't know about, but let's find out before we write this one off! And really, that apple makes for a small slice of the whole pie of what my own sexuality is all about. Is that really so important to you? It's really not that important to me. Truly. And that's the heartbreak, that's the wound, that you would give it that importance without asking me how important that was, first, before deciding. Please, ask me!
I had spent time that evening, in prayer and meditation about the situation. It really feels like a shame to be given this Tantric gift to share with a lover, and not allow that to be given full chance to be put to work magickally. It's a rare thing!!
We'll see what the result is.
A wrote to me yesterday and stated what had caused the drop-off in sexual attraction to me, and it was so silly, I almost started laughing, if it hadn't been so sad and tragic. He had got all complicated about my liking of a good spanking once in a while. That was all it was. His misunderstanding about my slightly 'sub' side. He was scared he could never fulfill that part of me and inflict pain on me. I'm betting though, just one good playful spanking, and he'd see my response and go crazy...
I also had a powerful insight this morning about my own need to feel overpowered sometimes during sex. Husband is only 5'4" and 10lbs heavier than I am!! A is 6'1" and very muscular and athletic, and that sense of being overpowered occurs naturally with him, so I don't even know if I will have the same needs with him that I had with Husband! The physical dynamic is very, very different. I told A that this morning in another email, too.
Here's the email I wrote, I feel it's worth sharing.
***
I couldn't sleep until I had written you something about all this. It would be silly if it wasn't so sad, that there is such an unnecessary and simple misunderstanding going on here between us! Can we 'reboot' this one and start from a way back when? :-)
One thing, our 'differing' sexual desires aren't really differing, that would be like saying I differ from you if I have an apple as well as the 6 oranges you have. I am not 'different' than you, I just have that extra apple, you might also have a grapefruit somewhere I don't know about, but let's find out before we write this one off! And really, that apple makes for a small slice of the whole pie of what my own sexuality is all about. Is that really so important to you? It's really not that important to me. Truly. And that's the heartbreak, that's the wound, that you would give it that importance without asking me how important that was, first, before deciding. Please, ask me!
I feel it would be such a sad mistake to give that one piece of me as all that much of a reason for not feeling attracted.
Sexual attraction is based on love, and if you are truly free to fully feel love, then these things are so unimportant, and really only point to a superficial lust, and I felt more than that happening that weekend, and I know you did too!
Pain (not even pain, perhaps just an 'intensification' of physical sensation!) is a shamanic tool I can make use of, during sex. One tool.
I have wildly sensitive buns, and that's a very erogenous zone for me, and I just really love the intensified sensation of a good spanking now and again, and the thrill of feeling slightly out of control with somebody who can 'overpower' me, it's a classic female-male pattern of response. Every woman wants to be a little overpowered, ravished, if she's really in touch with it!! Trust me. Anything less is a reflection of fear, possible past abuse, etc.
But, if that really is the truth of it for you, that that was such a huge turn-off, then that is ok. I can understand that, if that absolutely is the case. But it really needn't be, and that's what I want you to feel into here. Is my overtly responsive erogenous zone such a problem? It's really a lot of fun, and a great way to build trust between lovers.
My experience of that weekend was that it was really something special, I haven't that type of sexual or spiritual combination with any previous lovers, and that, for me, was the real 'juice' and High Magic in what was going on!! I see and feel sex as a powerful potential doorway to something much greater, and far more spiritual than most people experience it as being, and I felt that connection with you, that you are also capable of combining that level of sexual and spiritual feeling. If you weren't, I doubt very much that I would have felt what I was feeling. That kind of energy is built between 2 people who have that special gift together. That is what it would break my heart to throw away. It is a very rare thing. Precious. And a Grace-given gift.
That, and it was really a lot of fun!!
I don't feel it would be in our highest interests to throw out that gift on the basis of such a simple misunderstanding about something so much on the sidelines of my own complete sexual character.
What I am learning about myself lately is that I am a far more powerful and strong person than I had ever realized, and I am capable of moving through things at warp-speed. Can you keep up?? I'm guessing you can. You might kick my as on a mountain, but in this realm, I put up a pretty good fight.. This is my home ground, and I'm not scared to own that. ;-)
We have an awesome Uranus Venus connection, which means lots of things, but one thing that I feel is coming into play here is the 'on again off again' nature of spontaneous feeling, and if you can hang with that, I certainly can. That would be the 'no strings' thing. We are certainly capable of it. It's there in our combined chart. Venus is also the planet of love, and Uranus is the planet of inspiration, sudden feeling, insight, electricity, etc. It's what makes me want to send you roses. And what makes me move through lessons at warp-speed sometimes.
Can you accept that? Our feelings won't stay static, but I don't feel that's a reason to throw out what is there.
My feelings for you are powerful, and I am not scared of that in the least. I feel it as a real blessing, how else is a person going to go beyond the mediocre limitation on conventional relationship that you say you want to also do? How else do hearts really open wide?
I have to say it, I am a rare person in that way, and you'd be an utter fool to ignore it. Likewise me with you. I can't ignore that part of you! I need somebody capable of going into that territory with me! Whatever it looks like in the moment.
So please, just feel the total and unreserved outpouring of love I feel for you, in what ever way you can, and know that whatever occurs is ok. What is given by me is unconditional and total, fearless and whole. I know who I am, with or without you, and I know fully what my ultimate spiritual destiny is, but I would love you along for the journey, whenever we happen to lovingly and freely coincide.
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