I don't know where to start... 5.45pm on Thursday seems logical enough, if I can remember the sequence of events. My brain isn't in it's usual linear state, for various reasons. Not sure if it's my brain that's that way, or the rest of the world, if there is any difference.
A showed up early, and came in the back door, as he had his bike. Took me by surprise a bit, he was early, and I didn't hear the gate go, that was nice! I hate waiting. I had only been in from work 15 minutes myself.
So, dinner to go, and we watched one of my favourite movies, which I don't want to name here, as I also mentioned it on my regular blog, and if by some odd coincidence somebody googles that, (it's a very specific movie), and puts 2 and 2 together, well, the nature of what I write on here, I can't risk that. Let's just say it was a powerful invocation of Lady Babalon, and the title was very apt. That Invocation definitely worked..
A loved it. He had never heard of the director before, but the deliberate act on my part was not lost on him.
He had brought 3 movies over with him, very, very cool movies. A trilogy, images of the earth, from the sublime to the hideous, all set to some very interesting and trance-inducing Philip Glass. The music was staggering, and the whole effect was very powerful. Very much like the movie 'Baraka'.
Koyaanisqatsi, Powaqqatsi, and Naqoyqatsi, by Francis Ford Coppola & Philip Glass
So we took until about 2.30 am to watch all 4. Very highly recommended..
All during that time, A sat next to me on the couch, and sent me into a completely altered state.
He's a Shaman, did I mention that?? And how. Holy fucking shit... He sat there, held my hand, and gently stroked my arm, and that was all it took. He totally guided me into bliss. It was very conscious, I would feel something in my body, some fear some knot that was blocking the bliss, and he would ask, 'ok, what's that?' He talked me through all kinds of emotional 'stuff' that came up in the process, my fear of intimacy, etc, right like he was inside my own head. He was. The feeling of there being another separate person in the room besides myself definitely became very uncertain.
That night has to be one of the most intense and powerful nights of my entire life. I had blisses and ecstasies running through and dissolving my entire body the whole night, in an alchemical vat of feeling. My heart opened, and massive heat radiated in all directions. Suddenly, there it was, all the images of the Earth, in the movies on the screen, and all I could do, was feel that all there was to do was give, give everything. My heart was literally a stream of energy pouring forth, towards the images, the people, the Earth, as I sat and watched, open in every cell of my body with pure love. Agape. Bliss. Ecstasy.
I understood Babalon. She Gives. That's it. That is all there is to do. Give totally of yourself to all life. She gives everything of her self, completely and entirely and always. Nothing held back. Nothing. And when that is truly and completely done, She receives Everything. I found that space, I was able to somehow totally give my entire heart and self over to all that is, beyond the great reservoir of fear in me.
As Her, heart entirely opened, I was royally fucked into Ecstatic Communion by the living God.
What happened next was almost incidental after that. That was the real fucking I got..
So, yes, we did. His cock is gigantic. I mean, HUGE. And I have met a lot of cocks in my time, but nothing like this. Could not get my hand around it, not even close, kind of big. But perfectly not too long. Anything I have been ranting on about imagining on here these last few posts does not come close to the python I encountered. You might laugh, but it was a little scary. I'm not very big, and for a moment, it was a little intimidating.
We finally voiced our desire to spend the night together, through thick voices and much emotion and charge, and tentatively climbed half-dressed into bed, still not sure if we were going to fuck or not, for reasons to do with Husband. When all that was decided, and all clothes removed, we had a bit of a struggle with it. I apparently don't just get 'cotton mouth' when stoned.. Even when feeling a new cock like that, urgently rubbing up against me. And we had no lube. Silly. Didn't think of that, it's really not normally a problem. And with a condom, that sucks. It was a little awkward and painful, and A was having trouble with the condom, and it was not the wildly erotic thing I'd imagined our first time would be, but we managed, until the sky lightened and the birds started singing.
That was the first night. He ended up staying for 3 nights.
We went for breakfast, and bought some more condoms and lube. Came home, and fucked like rabbits. That really was the kind of sex I had imagined... And it just kept getting better. I cannot begin to share what it felt like to really feel a huge cock like that in you, filling you, relentlessly pounding away. The feeling of vaginal stimulation, rather than what is really just clitoris stimulation from husband because of his small size, was phenomenal. The Dude has staying power and energy and stamina, and does not come too soon. He very graciously allowed me and playfully teased me with 2 blinding orgasms, before we finished round 2. And I love a guy that looks into your eyes when giving you the fucking of a lifetime, knowing full well how much you're enjoying it too, and feeling his own sexual power as a man. That was the most erotic thing.. Seeing his total desire, the look on his face, the fire in his eyes, he really didn't hold anything back.
Soul-sister called, about 1/2 hour later, bless her. Her timing was perfect. We went down town, and met her and her husband and his brother, to have dinner and see Transformers. A sister and brother, a sister and soul-sister, wife and husband, 2 lovers, 2 brothers. One happy incestuous family. ;-) She said somewhat mischievously, "You know I'm totally tuned into you, and into my brother, and well, I think I picked up more than I really wanted to!!" Can't hide anything from her. She is infinitely cool.
It was interesting to go out in public with A now as lovers, and observe what happens with our body language, etc. I felt a fear of being seen with him by somebody, for obvious reasons. I also felt very good about it, and getting out of the thing that Husband and I are. It was a very different feeling. Totally and delightfully new and happy. We just kept grinning like idiots over the table at each other, and Sister shot me a few silly looks too... I could almost hear her voice, 'Geez, stop thinking about my brother's dick will ya?' :-)
Got home and fucked some more, until daylight. Never thought I could take a thing like that from that angle... Or from any angle. He laid me on my side and fucked me from behind, one of my favourite positions. I did pretty well! I am surprised to learn just what my pussy can actually handle.
We went out for breakfast after a nice morning of snoozing together, all snuggled up and entangled. A has big muscular heavy athletes legs, it was bliss to lie there trapped under the weight of them. I feel totally and blissfully subdued and pacified underneath him. Interestingly, he said he was moved just to lie on top of me, and I went into total heaven. All my usual hysteria vanishes, and I feel calmed by his physical presence like I never have before.
After breakfast we came back home, and fucked some more. This time we went downstairs in the cool basement room. That was crazy. He threw me on my back, and fucked me hard for about 10 minutes, with no stopping, until he came. And it felt to me like it was pretty intense for him. There was something so erotic about that, I can't tell you. I didn't come myself that time, but that was no problem. Just to lie back like that and get a really intense pounding, then watch the total intensity and focus on his face as he came... Jesus. There are no words. I wish every woman on earth to experience that.
A shared with me that he has had a vasectomy. All my sexual life, there has been such intense fear around getting pregnant. I have always been terrified of that. This weekend we used condoms, as he hasn't had an HIV test since 2003, and has had 3 lovers since then. (One he said for 2 years, and she never came! I cannot believe that!!) I had a test back in 03 too, but have only been with Husband, and I know he's been good. But, we both decided to get tested, to make full use of that vasectomy. I have never really had a man come in me with no condom, only a few times when I was a teenager and on the pill. Husband doesn't use a condom, but pulls out, instead, and there's something dissatisfying about that, and also a little fear-inducing, that causes a feeling of holding back on my part. Women need to be filled with hot come. I think there's a definite body chemistry that happens. I have missed out on that, and that's just plain wrong. Hopefully that will be remedied pretty soon.
Yesterday afternoon we got on a bus and went to the beach together, and had a delicious afternoon lying in the sun on a blanket talking and gently touching. Being close. Being intimate. On the way there, I took my wedding ring off and put it in my purse. A squeezed my hand really tight.
We stopped on the way home for a meal, and all the while over his food he was looking at me like he wanted to fuck me then and there, over the table, on the spot.
We got to the video store and rented out David Lynch's Lost Highway, and Miyazaki's "Castle In the Sky" which was very cute, but not nearly so good as Spirited Away. Stayed up too late watching movies, getting buzzed, but really, just letting the intensity of feeling build up again before going to bed.
And last night was when the intense Kundalini thing really started up. Wow. That was a crazy night. I was arched up on the bed, being thrown about by the energy, my back on fire as the force of it almost broke bones in my spine and hips, it felt like, heart blown open again, balls of flame in my feet and hands, screaming. And all A could do was put his hands on my pussy, and intensify it still further for me. My body hurts this morning from the strain of it all.
A made a twisted comment about the possibility of my suddenly going all 'Spontaneous human combustion' on him, that had us in fits of laughter, despite the obvious reasons why it's not funny at all. "Sorry Husband, I fucked your wife so hard, she burnt your house down, too."
One thing is clear, Husband never could do this, good though our marriage has been, good though the sex has been, albeit conventional and ordinary for the most part, not the yogic fireworks I have with A. I need to be freely and karmically lawfully available for that process of spiritual force to transform me. And then there's the fantastic sex... Icing on the cake.
A is right there with me on the spiritual aspects of this, which is the best part. Possibly even more so. I am in tears, at how beautiful it is, that this has manifested in my life. It's what I have always wanted and never had.
One other thing is clear, that A isn't going to do that conventional boyfriend-girlfriend thing with me. That is both a joy and a total knife-twisting heartbreak. God knows how I will deal with that. All those patterns of need, fear, conditioning, the social pressure and momentum of that. I can feel them all, here today by myself now A has left. And when the shit hits the fan with Husband, all that will come up to the fore even more so, no doubt. I have 5 days before he arrives home again. 3 days before Friend gets into town.
And A's not even sure he isn't going to leave town soon and move away. Isn't that the most fucked up irony?? All I can do is let it go, let him go, let that attachment to relationship be offered up to the fire, along with the rest of it. I stand to lose everything. And ultimately, everything has to go.
I will be reading this blog post again and again, no doubt, as the process unfolds, just to remind myself of the most magical and beautiful and perfect weekend.
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