Done!

Well, I fucked up quite spectacularly.

I sent an email I should never have sent to A, and quite possibly damaged my friendship with Sister, which is the really sad part. I don't know what the fuck possessed me to hit 'send'. It was perhaps one of the most insensitve and stupid things I've said in a long time.

But, it's done. A's response was a little unpleasant, and I can't say I blame him. I have deleted all the emails I had kept, unfriended him on Facebook, Flickr, deleted photos, phone numbers, etc.

Don't know what it was, but A really drew out the worst of me. I have been seeing so much about myself through this relationship that I never wanted to see, but it has really served me.

We're done. And I feel like a total fucking asshole.

One lesson, I guess, is about my potential collapse into the shame, guilt, feeling like an asshole, beating myself up over it all, etc. If what happened the other night is true, then that collapse won't make a difference to my living a more conscious life. And you know, the clean break feels pretty good! I actually don't feel as collapsed as perhaps I would have. It's ok.

I just hope this hasn't fucked up my 7 year friendship with Sister, I love her dearly, that would break my heart.