Awakening

I haven't shared much about the other Big Thing going on in my life, my beloved friend who moved here from down south about 6 weeks ago, and is now living among the dozen or so of us crazy people brave enough to take that massive responsibility on. He is significantly Awake, of that there is no doubt at all, and I spent about 4 hours with him last night, receiving instruction, having mySelf reflected back to me, it was really amazing. Such Grace, to be around such a One.
I took him out to dinner last night, and sat with him until about 10.30 back at home, and just fell into a state of 'Conscious Self-awareness'.
In Thelemic terms, Aleister Crowley's language, 'Knowledge and Conversation with your Holy Guardian Angel'.

In such an intense and demanding circumstance as we have been living together lately, (with all this shit with A going on in the background! It's been so useful in helping me see what the ego does!), there is nothing to do but start taking responsibility for ourselves, as ego. It's not a pleasant process, and has felt like facing death head on, many times this last while, while Husband and I have been going through our 'stuff', throwing all consolation and caution to the wind, but last night there was a long enough moment for me to see mySelf, finally, Awake. Maybe not permanently, I've had my share of moments of Awakening before, and they come and go, but... for now, it's true...

The process, as I am coming to understand it, is one that is sometimes 2 steps forward, one back, or even 2 back.
It's the most ordinary thing there is. Maybe for some lucky few there are fireworks, but my first moments of any kind of real awakening back in 2007, were very simple and almost hilariously ordinary. But from what I am observing about myself and my intimates in this process, it's about learning to use a particular 'muscle' in the psyche, to keep that Awareness open. Spiritual practice.
You learn to feel and use that faculty, develop it, once it has been felt often enough to recognize it, and you find out how to stop it shutting down, under the force of ordinary life. And there is one heck of a force to ordinary life that needs much Grace to help counter it, to keep it alive. The last 2 years have had many lessons about what doesn't serve it. I have been throwing the gift away up until now.

Of course, it ain't worth shit, unless I can live on the basis of that awareness, moment to moment.

One thing I am very grateful for, is my late Guru's repeated insistence on demonstration. OK, how am I living as my understanding?
I have seen so many people go through some kind of awakening, claim it, make like the 'Guru', start and Ashram, write books about it, start a Sangha, then get into trouble when the Awareness isn't supported or maintained, and lands them back on their asses as ordinary egos again, only now, they have more to lose, that whole 'spiritual' persona. Somewhere I've been a lot.
You can't underestimate the value of being humbled again and again by your own idiocy. Trust me. ;-)

That's why I am willing (albeit anonymously), to let my shit hang out in public here. To remind myself.