What I like

Melissa at Intelligent Submission wrote a post recently on what she likes. That's a challenge I'd like to take up, I think... :-)
Thanks K, for the suggestion, that's a great blog! I have it bookmarked. And thanks Melissa, Monk and Goose, for having blogs that I can open up in work, with no explicit imagery! I don't have a computer at home, so can only read during work. It helps not to have porn splashed all over your blogs, thanks! (Not that I don't like porn!! I do!!)

Here goes. This is all so new to me, daring to think about what I really want, besides 'vanilla' sex. I am a newly self-discovered submissive. I had no clue, for about the last 36 years of my life... It was a bit of a shock, honestly.

Being restricted. I want to feel physically safe. I have yet to put that one to any real test though, that's just theory for now. I have been cuffed, etc, but I mean really restricted, like suspension or something. Being held, firmly, like a newborn baby or a small child. I think that's the key. I want to feel safe, physically. Feels like that would be very primally healing somehow.

I also don't want to feel safe, physically, either. I want to feel a little scared, a little threatened. No doubt there might or might not be a way of combining the 2. Like I say, much exploration to be done. I feel a bit naive, to be honest. There is so much I don't know, or have no experience with!! A lot of blogs I have read recently come across as very 'pro', very experienced, like they have been into this for years, and know all the terms and things to do or not to do. I don't, I am a total newbie. I am busy learning.

I want to be given no choice. I have too many choices in life sometimes, and there are times when I just want it to be simple. This is what is happening, so go with it.

I saw a guy on Halloween night, cycling down the sidewalk with a mask on, completely covering his face, I found that pretty erotic. I mean, he could have been anybody.. He had a nice fit body, too. The idea of fucking a person, not knowing who they are, not even seeing a face, is very appealing.

In terms of touch, I hate my neck being touched. Hate it. I don't like being bitten, either. Wrong kind of pain. The kind of pain I like is more the sting, or prickle, than a bite. Having said that, vampires are a turn on too. We have one of those little spiked wheel things at home, nothing more fun than being blindfolded, and not knowing where that will land on me, or how much pressure will be applied. I think there's a big element of the unknown in what I find actually turns me on.

I think I have to tell Husband what I don't like. I notice he bites me a lot, on the neck and thighs, and I really don't like it. Hmm.. Interesting. I never really gave that much thought, just put up with it. That's a big part of the exploration for me, feeling safe and loved and accepted, even if I say no to something. Does that go counter to the whole 'submissive' thing? Perhaps. But it should be enjoyable, surely.

I hate receiving oral sex too. Am I a freak? Perhaps hate is too strong a word, but I rarely actually enjoy it. I love to give though, sucking cock is a lot of fun, and one of my more favourite things to do. I think most guys are too insensitive, and don't pay much attention to what I like, they just do what they want to do down there, rather than pay me any attention, they just get lost in a pussy-frenzy. It always feels very much out of relationship. Husband always sucks too hard on my clit, and in the long run, the stimulation usually helps get me off, but in the moment, I don't enjoy that. Too intense. As is an unshaven face. Ouch! Love that across my tits though... Really love it.

You know, I think I need to watch more porn. I'm realising I don't have much of an imagination sometimes. I am so conditioned into the predictable regularity of vanilla sex, that I can't always think outside the box, and am very habitual. Not a good thing.
You know, the usual pattern, missionary, then doggy style, a bit of 69, me on top, etc. I want more than that.

I think what I like when with a partner vs what I like to do to myself are different, too. I had a quick go by myself last night while at Husbands, watching TV. He was in the kitchen making dinner, and I found it a real turn on to jerk off before he came back into the living room with his dinner. I might be a pervert... ;-) A risk taker? (An exhibitionist? Nah, not sure that's it entirely. If I was, I'd have let him know about it.)
I have never been able to masturbate in front of another person, either. I always get very self-conscious. What if I'm doing it wrong? What if I'm not doing what that person expects me to do? Silly, huh? And guys always want yo to do that. Needless to say, I have faked it before now. I don't fake regular orgasms, as a general rule, just that.

I also realize, only having fucked 2 guys in the last 10 years kind of limits what you remember other people did that you liked, too. Fucking A this summer was a revelation in some ways, a rediscovery, and a gift in that sense. Ooh, sex can be different than what I'm so used to!! I like a really big cock, for a start. Not all the time, I can see that would get old, and regular old sex would be awkward and painful sometimes, but for a really good hard fuck with a new person? Dynamite. Wow. Loved it.

I loved that he was so much bigger than me physically, too. Husband is about my height, and about my weight, and there's no real sense that he could overpower me to the degree that I want to be overpowered. OK, just a little, he's a guy, and naturally more muscular, but... I loved A's build. 6ft, slim, muscly and strong as hell. I have the sense he would have had no trouble with certain more adventurous positions, it's a shame he didn't have the balls to match, and was so 'ordinary' about sex. I had high hopes. Particularly as he was a climber, very athletic, amazing arms and legs, and was used to handling ropes.
'Coming out' to him as being into the more kinky side of things, then feeling that massive rejection was pretty painful. Lesson learned.

I had a boyfriend when I was 15 that we used to do a lot of dry-humping on the couch together, I loved that. I still get turned on by the sight or thought of a hard-on in tight jeans pressed against me. I loved the feel of the fabric, and the anticipation of 'real' sex. Anticipation is a real turn on for me, I have to thank A for that, too. This summer waiting to get laid by him was SO much of a fucking turn on. Pity it didn't lead to much, or maybe now my life is looking to be on a bit more of an even keel, perhaps that's a good thing. Perhaps I was spared even more heartbreak.

Dirty talk. My soul-mate and occasional lover S is a great talker, he will use all kinds of bad words and filthy talk to get me going. He's a great fuck on MSN chats. Knows what I want to think about. lol He's a Gemini. Figures. They're the communicators of the zodiac. A lot of sex is mental stimulation, isn't it? If you can fuck a person's mind, mentally seduce them, you're more than half way there. He gets me off, despite being 5,000 miles away, and that we haven't had 'real' sex in 10 years now. I really miss my fuck-buddy sometimes.

LOVE my nipples being squeezed or hurt. There's a direct nerve pathway that runs from nipples to pussy. Mm.. I can take quite a bit of a squeeze, too, and sometimes freak Husband out that he will hurt me. Yes, please do! He's not a natural dom. He's more of a sub himself, I think. Loves to be spanked.. Which can sometimes work, for you both to slap. Ends up in laughter, usually. I love that.
But I would like to be really a bit more scared than I sometimes feel in that situation, fun as it is.

That flesh down the edges of my spine is a good place to start, too. Not my actual spine bones, but the fleshy part, to the sides. Love to have nails dug in really deep there. I don't know how safe that is, and worry that I could get hurt, but it always feels ok. Sometimes if I'm on top, Husband will dig his nails in and hang on with his whole weight. I love that. Makes me yell, but not with pain, it doesn't hurt, it just energizes me.

Looks, what do I like in looks? I have always liked pretty boys, you know, Johnny Depp types. Nice skin, black hair, blue eyes. Recently that is changing a little, I notice. I like goatee beards. Guys with goatees are usually a bit more badass, a bit rock and roll. That's sexy. Black. What is it about black that is sexy? It's the badass thing, I guess. 'Nice' guys don't dress in all black, do they? If the guy from System of a Down had a better looking face, he'd be really hot.

Black hair, blue eyes, has always been a fatal combination for me. S had stunning black curly hair and green/hazel eyes. Now he's got a bit greyer, and cut off the curly hair, but he's still really hot. I'm not into blonds, really. Keifer Sutherland perhaps. He has enough badass to pull off the blonde thing, but Brad Pitt? No way. Joaquin Pheonix? Perfect. Ughh, that slight snarl, that body, and the intense eyes? Hot.

One thing I notice, black guys always smell good. You walk past a black guy on the street, he always smells sexy. White guys could pay some attention to that, I am somewhat nasally oriented, sexually. The way a guy smells will really turn me on sometimes. I hate Old Spice though. Ack. Nasty shit. 'Old Men' smell. BIG turn off.

Voice has a big part in it. I could never fuck a guy who's voice I didn't like. I remember shortly before I met Husband, I had the hots for the barman in a local pub at home in England. He was really cute. My friend convinced him to get up the nerve to ask me out on a date, and as soon as he did, and I heard his thick Bristol accent, it was a total buzz kill. Went right off him, on the spot. Some accents are just not sexy.

I think what I really want, is to be totally out of control, totally have a guy ravish me, have no say in what happens, but to have the trust that I will get what I want. To feel wanted, really wanted. To feel a guy go past that point of having self-control. Or, otherwise, to have total self-control, and tease me like crazy. I want a stranger, and I want intimacy, trust. I want to feel unsafe, and safe, and like most women, I want the unexplainable, the completely paradoxical, which probably frustrates the crap out of most men...

I think what I want sometimes changes so much, too. One day I want one thing, the next something completely different. But what needs to happen is that I can expand my range of possibility. I need a new set of experiences to stretch me a little. I need to find out what it is I really want. I don't really know.

I think that's true in other areas of my life, too. I never knew I had much choice, until recently. I grew up with not a lot of options in life, and for me, discovering I have a choice at all, is a scary thing in some ways. I don't always know what to do with that sense of freedom, and can find it a little overwhelming. So, I have so often settled for what was 'ok', what was acceptable, comfortable, rather than be brave and go exploring, but this new discovery about my sexuality is a little like a jack in the box that I can't put back in again. I have tried, but it's not working.
I need to face that reality, and accept that settling for what is comfortable isn't going to always work.
How do I do that, and not hurt people? I didn't do a very good job of that this summer. It was an emotional holocaust all round. I hurt Husband, A, A's sister (my good friend), my family, all kinds of people that got caught in the fall-out. I really got to see what an emotional mess I am, under the surface. It wasn't pleasant.