Mind

Mind. All the Great Ones have taught that mind is not helpful. It's not. I saw how yesterday writing about Mike has made mind active, and where there has only been enjoyment previously, now there is complication and thoughts and wishes and fantasies, etc. And with it the usual emotional complication.
At what point does lust become all the typical female co-dependency complication, the wishing for romance, etc? What utter bullshit.
I was fine until I wrote about him, just appreciating his sexiness every day when he came in, no complication, just enjoyment and a bit of mild flirting...

I was thinking 'what changed?' and all that changed is that I applied a little mind to the situation.

I spent yesterday waiting for my sexy UPS driver to arrive and he didn't, which was useful.. lol

Anyway, I spent last night sitting with Master, and that was beyond sublime. He is pumping out the spiritual force like a motherfucker lately. I could just bathe in that Light, and let go of a bit of mind for the moment at least. Such a blessing. And in my own house, too. I am so blown away to be in the company of such a One. And so intimately.

I was trying to feel last night into why I don't feel sexual attraction to Master. I think it's just that he reminds me of my father a little bit too much, and it feels 'wrong' and slightly incestuous, but one thing I do realize, is that to be free, I should be able to feel that for just about anybody that I love. If not, there is a true limitation on feeling.
I have known some remarkable women in my time, who can go there, and fuck just about anybody. They do it with love. And that's the key. They have owned and taken responsibility for something I have not yet. That your own sexual enjoyment is not ultimately dependent on an 'other'. I really admire that, but have yet to feel the truth of it, honestly.

I sense in myself, the total incapacity for full feeling and love sometimes, and that's what limits my attraction to Husband, too.
Not that I don't love him, I totally do, but you know, the daily patterns of life just get in the way of us feeling full-on attraction. All those day to day worries, etc, are all obstructions to feeling. And they are ultimately, bullshit, and no excuse. And there to be inspected, transcended, and outgrown.

What makes me think I would EVER do anything different than animate those patterns again with my sexy UPS driver after a while if we ever got together? I don't have those patterns yet with him, and that's probably one reason I would fuck him, but you can bet after a while, ego would find a million ways not to feel that love, either.

Still, I would really love to get good and laid by him. ;-)

And that, for now, is what I am trying to stick to feeling, rather than applying all the complication, projection, transference, or whatever other psychobabble terminology we do as egos to complicate our sex lives.
Why can't I just keep it simple in my own head? Why do I add all that bullshit to my feelings of sexual attraction? I think perhaps that's one major difference between men and women. Men aren't taught that love depends on sex, or vice versa. Sex and romance aren't necessarily the same thing at all, but we are told they are. It's a lie I am starting to see.

Something to practice with, I suppose.

Update: UPS delivery this morning was fun.. We had a stack of stuff going out, so he was here a bit longer than usual. Haha. A little flirting, nothing too complicated, I didn't go too much to mind about it, just returned the eye contact, and smiled. I think I did quite well.
I am busted, my coworker totally knows I have a crush now.. lol She reminded me of the scene in Legally Blonde, where she has a crush on her UPS driver and accidentally knocks him out cold... Hope I don't do that!! Although, some mouth to mouth resuscitation would be in order...

Also observing my own addict-nature. I have had my hormonal 'fix' for the day, and am now awaiting the next one tomorrow. Where's the freedom in that?? Where is that going to get me? I mean, what the fuck do I think I am going to get out of this?
Aren't we humans completely fucking barking mad?

On a whole other track, I was thinking about A last night, and how well he (if not entirely intentionally) served me this summer, opening something up in me that would otherwise have remained uninspected and shut down. Bless him.. I will catch up on news on him from Sister tomorrow night, she's coming to dinner with us and some friends. Perhaps I won't ask. I probably shouldn't. Will be nice to see her though. It's been too long.
Saw a Facebook photo of him recently, he posted something on her page, and his profile photo is awful, he looks old, a bit haggard and wrinkly, and I was pleased at how unattractive he looked to me...
(Oh, don't lie. OK, he's still looking pretty hot. Not going there. See, that pattern of mind, ego, addiction, is endless.)