Let-go

I finally wrote to A. 6 months after I said I would. I said I wanted a month with no contact, and it took 7. But I got there.

Hello,

Long time no email. Thanks for honoring my request for no contact, I really appreciate it.

I was waiting for the right time to get in touch again, knowing that it would come, and I just couldn’t write before I had that feeling, despite my feeling a few times that I ‘should’ write, or it would be polite to, etc. I think last night I finally went through what I needed to go through. My friend J was over, and she was having her own emotional let-go session, and it was so powerful for her, it triggered that response in me, too, and there we were, tears flowing. I hadn’t even realized that I had been hanging on to much, until the let-go happened. I can be pretty out of touch with my emotional state sometimes, as you no doubt noticed. It’s not like it’s been a big deal particularly, but I just didn’t feel ‘ready’ yet.

I got an email from [Sister] the other day, she said you’re heading south and leaving town for a while, so maybe something in me shifted in response to that.

I described myself to her has having a splinter stuck in my foot about you, no pain felt, until I am stupid enough or curious enough to push it once in a while, and see if it still hurts, and I guess up until now, that has been a yes.

So, I’d like to wish you the best, and am glad you’re traveling, that’s great, I know you really love it, and it feeds you. So, get the hell out of town, and I mean that in the nicest way… ;-) Have a great summer!

And thank you. Many lessons learned about myself that I didn’t want to learn, but needed to.

Much love, always.

***

Wow, I feel kind of stupid that getting over A took so damn long. But it feels clean now, that wound, and I think after the let-go last night, the wound is ready to heal. I felt so much energy moving in my body again, afterwards, a lot of heat in my chest, a lightness and huge relief.

I don't think I had really figured out what a wound this all was. It has hurt pretty badly. Time to finally move on.

And perhaps stop putting the weight on. I have put on 12lbs since all that happened. And on my frame, that's a lot. I look like a whale. I have cellulite on my ass now. I could feel that, too last night, as the need to protect myself emotionally, to create a layer of blubber between myself and that hurtful 'other'.

I went out and bought some exercise equipment yesterday, must have felt this coming...

Really, I have just wanted to curl up like a foetus, and sleep in strong arms for a while. I have some now, Master's. I don't need A. A will always be an asshole, and not an answer to anything I felt I was lacking in myself.

But I will always love him. I know that. It's not in the least bit logical, and definitely not the prescribed social remedy for a situation like this, but I can't help my heart. We do have some kind of connection, even if we did both behave like assholes last year.