Response

I got a response from A, on Saturday. I was good, didn't check my email all weekend, even though I knew he'd write sooner rather than later. Sure enough..
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Hi!

No worries about the long time of no-communication. I knew you would reach out when you felt ready. :-) I've had to do similar things in the past.

I'm planning to update Facebook when I travel soon, if you would like to reconnect there, I welcome that. If not, that's OK too. :-)

I'll never forget our experiences together. You're a lot of fun and I hope we can remain friends. I learned things about myself too. If you feel you need more closure of some sort, I'm willing to meet up again. If not, that's OK too. :-)

Love,
A

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Well, that's nice. I feel better. I bet he did learn things about himself, he fucking well needed to.

Yes, a little anger there, and I let go of even more, related to A in a way, but not really, last night.

I have had a lot of self-doubt my entire life, and something happened last night, one fairly innocent comment, not aimed at me directly, but taken by me as somewhat personal anyway, (you know how that is, buttons get pushed sometimes that needn't), and I just had a big cathartic let-go of so much anger I have felt. More about my own self-judgment, which is pretty constant, than about the specifics of feeling judged by other people. I mean, how are they supposed not to, when all I do is judge myself?

Anyway, this big long string of expletives came out, as I let out some of the anger I have at myself for allowing other people to put me down. And it's subtle, isn't it, the way some people do that. Patronizing. Sly. 'Nice' with daggers. I don't think my fried G thinks about me the same way any more, thank God. He heard it pretty straight last night. Though really, like I said, it was about me. My finally standing up and not letting that happen. Not letting people do that sideways patronizing shit, thinking I don't get it.
G is too cool for school sometimes, and that annoys me. Arrogant motherfucker.

It's good to let the anger out. I didn't have my shit together last night, I wasn't composed, wasn't 'mature' about it, or polite, I wasn't on top of things, but fuck it felt good to get it out!

I have one thing to say. And I said it. Ludacris said it better though.