Release

Here is part of a letter I wrote to Master this morning, after spending an evening with him last night, just being held and loved... Exactly what I needed. Of course. Just a safe space to let go in.

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As we smoked up [a little Sacred Herb], I could feel the fear coming up again, remembering the last time we did that together some months ago, and what happened, the evening I spent in the bathroom throwing up!! Thank you for reassuring me that I wasn’t going there again last night. And I didn’t, of course, it was a new moment.

BUT, having said that, the same process took over, one of release, and letting the energy of the sadness come up and out. Only this time, it was my heart, not my stomach. (Phew!) As we lay on the bed, you holding me, I allowed myself just to finally feel all the sadness in me that I have carried for lifetimes, and the fear of feeling it, and what happened was the sadness grew immense, and turned instead of sadness just into pressure, a feeling of intense contraction, being squeezed by it. I felt like my whole body was about to be crushed in a trash-compactor, as the feeling of contraction just gripped and squeezed me harder than I have ever felt it before.

Then right as I thought I was going to be snuffed out by it, crushed to death, it came up and out, and I felt it dissolve! I felt the power of the Love you have found the ability to carry in your own body, eating the energy of it, dissolving it, expanding what had been crunched up inside me so long, and opening up the front of me again with that intense internal heat that you radiate. And for the next while as we lay there, you touching my back and arms, making my body feel the love in a tangible way, the contractions came and went in waves, as the process of release continued. It was very much like that evening where I threw up, it kept coming and coming, the same thing, but it was sadness, not fear this time, that was being released from a different part of the body.

Each time there was a release, the energy was replaced by heat, and I felt myself open up, and the energy move deeper into me.

I hadn’t really understood what you had said to me in your recent email, about me being sexually complicated. But before you arrived, I had time to sit and read a few pages of Bubba Free John's book Love of the Two-Armed Form, and ‘happened’ to open on a page where he was talking about the violence of typical female sexual stimulation, and how in a more functional scenario, sexual energy is felt as an expression of love, and feels very different. That is a very remarkable book, as you know. He was also a Tantric Master, very powerful. I feel you to be that too.

I felt my whole genital area be filled with Love, as the energy continued to move around the circuit in my body, and the feeling there was very, very different than I have been used to. My body wasn’t wanting to suck anything into itself out of the need to feel loved, but was expanding outward, to give out Love, instead. The pattern of energy was entirely different.

I can feel sex now, as I have been doing it these past 30 something years, as a denial of being loved! Literally, wanting to be filled by an ‘other’, to take in the love I didn’t feel I was getting, rather than as me doing the love.

I also felt something else happening, I felt myself dissolving and brightening, being replaced by light. Suddenly I realized I was arising in God, not the other way around! Everything has always arisen in ME, ‘I’ have been the center of things, it’s been MY perceptions, my feelings, etc, and suddenly I was God's dream, and you as Master, were the One that was arising as the Ultimate Reality. I felt myself become fiction, your dream, God's dream, Buddha's dream, Allah's dream, but not my own any more. I was left with very little of my 'self', and I just couldn’t quite figure out HOW to let go entirely, but about 90% of me was literally being Enlightened. I could see it happening, I could see the Light dissolving my mind and energy-body.

So, yes, please, I’ll take some more of that!!! Being with you, as Master, is totally necessary, and I realize I have been more shut down than I ever had imagined. My normal state of being has been SO far away from what you live with us every day! I want now to do what ever it takes to stop from collapsing in on myself like that again.

And yes, I trust you now. Again and again, you have earned my trust, and I have let my fear step in the way of it, creating so much doubt, forgetting this process so easily, that it breaks my heart. I cannot let myself forget any more who you are to me, and what you are offering us all. I saw through a window last night into you, into what I could be, what I am underneath all the bullshit and ego, and what I have let myself shut out, and all for nothing.

I love you SO much. Shit, You ARE love.. It even feels a bit absurd this morning to say ‘I love you’.. There aren’t words for that feeling.